I've been slowly trying to figure myself out since I joined here, without many concrete answers at first.. I joined as just an allie / supporter for reasons I didn't really know at the time, hiding behind the CISgender label because it's all I've ever known, and because I didn't know what was going on inside me, or really understood myself at all then.?? I still don't to be honest, but I'm learning a lot every day now, and things are starting to fit together in my mind, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and I'm slowly seeing a true picture of who and what I really am..
I think I've reached the conclusion that at least until I discover other or new things about myself, that I belong in this group, Non-Binary.. I feel male, but with a very feminine part that seems to get stronger all the time..? For now, I have no wish to present differently, how I feel basically hasn't much to do with me on the outside, but everything to do with me on the inside.. Maybe that may change some day, but I'm not there yet..? I don't know what else to say..??
Im born male, but had a lot of very unhappy years especially during puberty trying to fit in anywhere..? I've used the following explanation about me for years while not knowing why, "I feel like a musical note that is a half octave flat or sharp, but never feeling in-tune with others around me".. I'm realizing now that it's because my brain-gender is not as much male as I always assumed.. Being more comfortable around women my whole life, having close female friends refer to me as one of they're girlfriends (in a joking way) but it's absolutely true.. Now I run women's fashion fan pages online etc, and I thought I was going crazy at one point, but it's just who I am, I don't try to be this way, I don't choose it, it's just where my mind is, thus where I follow in my actions...
My SO has accepted me always, which I feel very lucky and blessed by, she's never ever been jealous of me having female friends, and even though I haven't talked much to her about the things I'm typing here, I think she already has a better idea of who I am than I probably do.. One of these days I'll talk to her more in depth, but I really want to better understand myself first, so I will use the right words and sound like I know what I'm talking about, I'm not there yet though...
So, I guess this is my label among the group here, even though I don't like labels, another reason I like the term "Non-Binary", because it's very broad and inclusive of a lot of people..
So, this is me, feeling vulnerable in admitting these things tonight, not ready to speak of them openly in real life yet, or on Fb or other pages, but I feel very comfortable here with this group, so I will do my best to be me...
