Hello,
Some of you might recognize me from when I introduced myself as a supportive spouse to someone going through at MTF transition. Things have changed and this is kind of my story.
"You act so manly, are you sure you're not a man?" She, my fiancée, stated to me as she brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face. My pulse raced, my heart was pounding in my ears, and my mind was already trying to explain all my actions and justify everything quicker than I could speak. I was reeling. She pushed me to look towards FTM transitioning, hoping that I would be better with myself, happier.
I went to sleep crying, barely slept as I thought on it and texted my good friend.
In the morning she, my good friend, and I discussed it. Was I FTM and in denile? Was I just really butch? What did this all mean? Pages upon pages, minutes turned to hours, and I'm pretty sure google thinks I can't decide what gender I want to be. I just didn't 'fit' the mould quiet right. I didn't want to lose my woman parts, and it distressed me to think that I could have them gone...forever. What if I didn't like having a penis? I mean penises are awesome, you can urinate standing up, and then there's all the things you can do sexually. Plus part of me always wanted to know what it felt like to get a blow job (sorry NSFW?), but in the reality, when I closed my eyes and thought of myself 20, 40, 60 years down the road?
I was an old grey haired woman appearing woman. Though with masculine clothes. Sometimes with fancy womanly clothing. I love sparklies. I love clothing that I can get dirty in, when it doesn't matter if I get full of saw dust, and grass shavings, and whatever else. What the heck?
I wasn't convinced, I was convinced I was struggling in the middle. I was a tom boy, as a child I never wore dresses or skirts, my mother pleaded with me and there were a few occassions, but I loved pants OH SO MUCH. I also hated have a shirt on, especially in the summer cause it was hot and it simply wasn't fair that little Johnny down the street could run around in his swim shorts, why'd I have to a have a shirt on?!
I have always found it more fun and easier to be friend men. I love being 'one of the guys' I'm totally okay with them not looking at me in a sexual way and considering me just another of the dudes. I love making women friends, I love being around women and speaking about hair and make up, doing nails, gossiping about what every little thing our partners said, and over analysing it.
My mtf friend helped me greatly. She asked how I felt right at that moment, what did I feel my gender was. There was a long pause, words in my head couldn't describe it, and finally sobbing I wailed "I FEEL LIKE NO GENDER, I FEEL LIKE A DITTO! (For those who don't know what a ditto is, its a pokemon that can turn into any other pokemon and basically is a shapeshifter)."
She paused, and began to explain gender fluid to me. Suddenly the horrible confusion lifted. It fit so right. So often I feel neutral, gender as no real role in my day to day things. That cuppboard needs to be rescrewed on? Lets do that
>-bleeped-<. I wanna paint my nails? What colour am I feeling? I don't wanna shave my legs and wanna be like chewbacca? Hell yes rock that European look!
As I became more aware of it I noticed a tendancy. If I was a pie chart...I'd say I spend a majority of the delicious pie, as androgynous gender has no true role, I'm human I'm me. For a precent I'd say 50% of the time I'm just nothing more than a human. My clothing isn't overtly feminine nor is it mascule. It just is a reflection of my personality.
That is how I feel right now. Will it change? Yeup. I bounce easily from one 'assigned' gender to the next. Sometimes I'm feeling so masculine that I get dysphoric when I look down and go 'oh right I have breasts...and a vagina." I get annoyed at them, I dont' feel like a woman dammit but I have that woman part!
Other times I'm feeling so feminine I'm happy to wear nice frilly and pretty tops, showing off my assets, make up and hair included. I feel pretty and nothing can bring me down! Those heels look killer on me and I know it yo!
And then I drift listless between being feminine yet masculine at the same time. Its even been noticed when I'm feeling more masculine my voice drops naturally, my stance changes, I sit different.
I'm 'coming' out in a sense.
I'm genderfluid, though I do hover around the tomboy/masculine female/feminine male area quiet a lot. Hormone therapy? I've given it thought. Though currently I'm more looking into a breast reduction (from a DD+ to a more manageable size, between B-C) and a hysterectomy. I notice when I'm on my period the dysphoria is unreal. I hate my body, because during that time of month, its hard to maintain the feeling of being male when my uterus is pissed off that I didn't get it all pregnant. I've hated it since I had the damn thing.
I know there are those out there that frown on the gender fluid. But I'm not bi gendered, I don't want to transition to one set of body just to be happier.
I'm posting this, with hopes there are others like me.
My pronouns I'm playing with is co (he/she), cos (his/her), coself (herself/himself) and my name? Who knows.
Thanks for listening.
Kay
