I am so happy this place exists! I am female-bodied, and I've always been okay with that... except those times I haven't. I ignored those times though and wrote them off as being part of being bisexual.
I've always struggled with gender roles, though. I like a lot of things that are traditionally "male"... I tend to identify more with men, am more comfortable with my male friends, etc.... except that I also will identify with women in fiction, say. Sometimes. Not always. "Do I identify with this person or not?" seems less gender-based for me than generally personality-based. I like clothing of both genders, I tend to dress in a mix. I really loved going out with my ex-girlfriend and playing the "male" role, but I really love going out with my husband and playing the "female" role. My ideal work is in a heavily male-dominated area (astronomy) and almost every "person I look up to" is male but I identify far more with my mother than my father.
What I'm getting at here is that through my life I've always felt like I was somewhere... in between, not quite fitting with men or women. But I'm not bigender, really. I don't feel like "both," really, I feel like "neither" or "somewhere in between." In the fiction I write there are a lot of people who are fluid in gender and the societies I make up are far less rigid on gender roles than ours. I seem to get along best with people who are somewhere in between--whether femme gay men or butch lesbians, trans* folks, genderqueer, etc. When I don't have to be "one or the other" I can just relax and be me.
For a while I thought this was all just a product of the fact that I am on the autism spectrum--a lot of autistics don't fit neatly into the gender binary, especially autistic females because of social blindness females aren't "supposed" to have. But then I've been having fantasies about being male recently... but I'm comfortable being in the body I'm in... most of the time, like I said. And all the discourse I'd heard about gender identity was around FtM or MtF so I went desperately looking to see if I was just crazy or what.
I don't quite know what to do at the moment, or what I need to do, but I'm glad somebody else in the world is in some sort of similar place. I'm lucky in a way that I have a very accepting family and a name that could be either male or female (my parents were going to give me the same name regardless of my sex), but this is all extremely new so I'm... feeling it out.
Sorry to ramble; I'm prone to that. I don't know how much I'll post but I felt like I needed to say something to somebody.
And as accepting as people are I have a lot of social fears that I know are unfounded--what's going through my head right now is "what do I tell my husband?" Logically I know it'll probably be fine but emotionally I'm terrified of rejection or mis-communication. I think it's time to go looking for topics on that to see what others have done...
