couples outing etiquette

[gillian]

HI Everyone,
I am a significant other.. but thought this place was better to post in cooz i could get opinions from transitioning people, rather than other other's..I have used this site as a resource, and have read a bunch of posts over the last year or so. I think you are all awesome, hey! And you have already helped me without knowing it!! But this time I kind of feel I need some direct help... 
I need a few perspectives on this...
my live in partner of five years has felt gender disphoric since way before I met him. I was told before our relationship really took off, and it was not a problem for me..he is hoping to visit a gender specalist and get therapy and feminine hormones and everything. but that isn't possible right now because of where we live...so while I understand that he is she, she is very rarely she outide the house, and 99 percent of the people we spend time with as a couple don't know anything about her plans.
From early on I have been basically forbidden to tell anyone.. which in theory I  respect completely.. understanding at that time that it's not my thing to tell, and no-one wants people talking about you when you are not there and stuff.. so over the years whenever questions have arisen I have complied with this request, and avoided the question, been really close to downright lying to people, (lying is not something I do well at all, or feel good about at all).. it has been pretty hard, becasue it has meant there is no-one, even my closest friends that I can talk to about it...but it has always been okay because my partner is my best friend anyway... and as he hasnt transitioned yet it was an okay secret to keep.
but recently some things have happened...
a few months ago, my sister, who I am not super-duper close to, came to visit. one night when both she and my partner were drunk, and I wasnt home, he thinks he came out to her. but he cant remember exactly what he said.. and she hasnt mentioned it to me, and as we arent that close I dont really wanna ask.. thought i would love to know if she knows or not....
then several nights ago, at a house cooling party we had to try to get rid of the extra stuff that accumulates when you live in the same house for ages, he, again drunk, started giving away some of his dresses and skirts and stuff. this was at least to people that had seen us out at a drag club once, but the very same people i had misled with evasive answers, so i felt like a big liar when all the dresses came out of the closet...
and i realised that while it is for the most part my partner who will one day come out to everyone in the gender most fitting for her.. it is my coming out too. Through her eventual coming out, everyone who knows us will know that I am bi-sexual and in a relationship with another woman.
I would like to bring this up with my sisiter, and other members of my family, and my friends. I don't need big oprah style discussions of my feeling to all and sundry, but i do need to be able to be more open about it all. I need to not be border-line lying to people who could otherwise be good friends to us. I want permission from my partner to discuss these very personal things about her to people she doesn't know real well.. not for the sake of talking about her, but to be truthful with them about me and my relationship.
But I don't know if I am being selfish, unsympathetic to how hard it would be to come out.. I dont want to force anything..
But I wonder do you think I am being unreasonable to want to change our "don't tell anyone" rule, especially as my partner after a few drinks cannot even keep it. 
I really thankyou in advance for your input..
sorry.. this was kinda long..
love gillian.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Gillian,

Welcome to Susan's.  From your post it's obvious thatyou are quite comfortable here, and know your way around the site.  Please be sure to read the rules, and relax you're among friends.

It seems that you are very committed to this relationship and as such you have vested rights into how your relationship progresses.  Your's is a partnership that requires both honesty and a candid approach from you both when it comes to dealing with mutual friends.

You have to sit down and discuss this with her.  You are keeping your side of the agreement by being discret, and so must your partner dispite her drunken revelations.  You have to explain how this is making you feel, how you feel you are being decietful.  You both are equals and although technically it's up to her to come out, in all fairness she shouldn't hold you to the rules while she breaks them when she has been drinking - fair's fair.

Just my thoughts.

Steph

[KelliTGirl]

Gillian,

Steph beat me to the welcome...but Welcome!

I can definatly understand what you've been saying. It's hard having an "elephant in the house"(only a metaphor) and not being about to say "THere's an elephant in my living room and I like her there, thank you!" These are my thoughts, for what they are worth...

You sound very committed and very supportive. There are many of us out there who would kill to have a wife like you. I'm fortunate, my female partner is very supportive. 

To the point, while it goes without saying that your wife gave you her complete confidence, you also have to honor your own inner spirit. When we lie...we die. Beleive me..I know. I've lied alot in my life. So, how do you honor your spirit, but still keep your wife's confidence? My suggestion would be to ask yourself gut level "Who can I share these thoughts and feelings with...who can I trust?" If you listen to your GUT...you'll find the answer.

Take care, and stick around!

--Kelli

[Dennis]

I think that wanting someone to discuss this with other than your partner is a perfectly reasonable feeling. Your life is changing as well. I think, too, that talking to your partner about needing someone else to talk to would be respectful of your relationship and her feelings.

Dennis

[Debtv]

Hi gillian,

Well I'll be your SO wants to come out and be free and honest too, but is afraid of the rejection. I use to feel that way too. I remeber thinking my life would end as I knew it.

But it did not...it even is much better now...but there is a price to pay. Maybe the job huh?

I bet all you need to do is talk about and both of you will realize things are different now...and telling a few people would be cool. But, I found its hard to pick who...because you never really know who will be accepting or not and trustworthy...to know someone is a TG is pretty juicy gossip to hold in. lol Sad but true.

Good luck to you both!
DebTV

[gillian]

Thanks everone for your answers.. I value all your advice.....  i guess talking to you was  the first step.. i'm heeding the advice of listening to my gut, and hoping that we can be a bit more open.
it hink it is also true my partner is afraid.. i think she thinks if people saw 'her' she would be rejected.. she is certainly a very beautiful and popular man...she is far more scared than i am  becasue i can see from the outside perhaps more clearly that people love her as a person, regardless. and we move in pretty openminded circles.... i think we are both impatient for transition to begin, and i have discussed in the last few days both talking to others more honestly, and being more pro-active in making her transformation possible. i think we will both sleep easier when it begins 'for real'. 

[Shelley]

Hi Gillian,

I think your post says a lot about how you fel and that you need to be able to share more of the shared experience. You may want to show your post to her. I think sometimes the written word is easier to understand.

Good luck and welcome to Susans

Shelley