parental issues

[Jessica M]

So I came out to my parents last night, It went well enough but left me a little frustrated.

For context, I had been trying to come out to them all week before my 3rd Psych session and diagnosis (which I got today yay me!).
While I was in work I texted my mother that I had something to tell her when I got home. Then she started getting worried and demanded I tell her so eventually I did. I told her also that I would prefer to continue the conversation in person so she picked me up from work and we talked on the drive home.

The good news is that I'm not being disowned or evicted (i still live with them) and she used the tried and tested "We love you no matter what" line. The flip side is that she said she would prefer I not do this (ideally at all, in reality for the next year or so) because it's too much for the family to deal with over a short period like a year. She said she was worried about the affect it would have on my brothers, particularly the one sitting state exams (school leaving exam) this year.

My reality is, however, that not moving forward with this would crush me. The feeling of progress I have had in the last month or so has been incredible. I'm more focused and happier than I can remember being ever. To sacrifice my ambition for the comfort of a home I will probably be leaving within 12 months anyway seems so pointless. I am in my final year of university and hope to go on to do a PhD. after. This will require me to leave home and maybe the country, something my mother seems in denial about too.

While I understand her concern for everyones feelings at home I can't justify to myself not grasping every opportunity to make this transition as soon as possible and still feel like I'm doing whats right for myself.

I know this might seem selfish to give them all a number of months to deal with what it took me 20 years to do something about but at the end of the day the only person I am definitely going to spend every day of my life with is ME! and I can't continue hating myself like I used to.

My mam has always been anti-change, I think she feels powerless when people or things change and she doesn't like that. I think she is going to say she supports my decision while fighting me on every action I take for the next while at least. My dad meanwhile I havent had a chance to speak to properly about this but I get the feeling he doesn't quite understand.

I just want this process to be over 5 years ago!! I know it is going to be difficult and awkward but I was planning on moving out in the next year anyway and if it comes to it I can go earlier if it is more beneficial for everyone.

This was a huge weight off my shoulders but I get the feeling there is going to be a struggle ahead to have my desires heard above concerns for other peoples opinions.

Thanks for taking the time to read my largely rambling unexplained post and any advice or just empathy you ca=ould share would be very welcome.

Thanks,
Claire xoxo

[Lynne]

Congratulations on the coming out. I'm in a similar situation with my mother. When I told her she said almost exactly the same things as your mother.

Due to number of reasons I couldn't really start transitioning right away after my coming out, just made small steps. And now I know what a mistake that was.
I should have pushed it with full force. Because I don't talk often with my mother and because I don't mention transition in every other sentence, she thinks I may not be serious about it.
So now my mother is just sinking into denial about it, she saw my clothes, she saw how feminine I look, she is even willing to wash my women's clothing and she still calls me her son after almost a year. She can't see the girl in me yet, but who know me as a girl, can't see the man in me.. Strange situation.

I need to step up my efforts, and you shouldn't wait either, because most probably she will think it was just a phase, she can even dismiss official diagnosis saying that the doctors are incompetent.

You need to provide your parents with all the information about transsexualism you can. They need to understand it is not just a phase, it is not easy for you, it is not their fault, and it is absolutely vital to your well-being to move forward with your transition.

[Lynne]

It's not 'my' thread, but I thought it could help someone if I share what happened after I talked to my mother again.

I told her I have an appointment for a psychologist to give me my first evaluation for the name and gender marker change. At first she tried to convince me there has to be a better way to deal with this, but I told her again that this is not a new thing for me. I told her that I had the past 16 years to think about it and I analyzed the situation from every angle I can think of and the verdict is always the same, I have to do this.

After a quite lengthy conversation she seemed to accept that nothing can change my mind and I will be happier that way and at the end of the day that is the most important thing for her. It will be a long journey but I can see the change in her, she is willing to help me in my transition.