Stagnation

[Michelle.]

So, why do you put up with this guy?
What does he bring to the table?

[Cindy]

All the flags are on alert. If you have never met his wife how do you know she has Dementia? He controls access to her, and he is controlling access to you. He wants to get his jollies off with you whenever HE wants, he doesn't allow you to meet and interact with people your age and interests. He wants you available for him at any time, and as Tekla said you aren't even getting the joys of being the mistress.

I would be saying bye bye, change the locks, change the phone number and get a new internet account, and hope he doesn't stalk you.

I think you have found a guy who is a true predator, and you are the game.

Take care and be careful

Cindy

[Mahsa Tezani]

I would be saying bye bye, change the locks, change the phone number and get a new internet account, and hope he doesn't stalk you.

I think you have found a guy who is a true predator, and you are the game.

I dumped him once and he convinced me to come back... Yeah, I know what he is capable of.

[Cindy]

I dumped him once and he convinced me to come back... Yeah, I know what he is capable of.

You need to plan an escape strategy, even if it needs restraining orders etc. I have no idea what that involves in the USA, I'm in Australia. But you have your life to live, and by the sounds of it, a life that is fun and doing stuff you want to do. You are being prevented from doing that. That is unfair.  No one has the right to use you, and please don't take offence, as an unpaid prostitute, by either intimidation or coercion. The fundamentals we want and have as woman in the Western world is that we have equal rights to men. OK sexually boys and girls have a spectrum of sexual interests, and many woman want and enjoy a dominant sexual partner. But for me that's where is stops. I'm his equal in every way. He is my sexual partner when I want him to be. And he had better damn well do what I want him to ; Ahmm maybe a like a dominant partner but I'm not very submissive .

I'm very sorry but I really do think you are being used, and for your future happiness you need to think through the issues and get help. You own your sexuality, he doesn't. And, my apologies for being long winded, you have Gay friends and are have DQ friends, he purports not to like that scene, he then says he is homophobic?  But how can he love you without accepting your friends? Do you think you can have a long term relationship with someone who doesn't like your friends, and people you hang out with?

I'm an old cow, but my relationships are with men who respect me for being me. They and I like to spend time together doing what we both like. OK we both make exceptions, I'll watch a movie I dislike because he wants to see it. He'll watch Modern Dance Theatre that I enjoy and he hates. But we make the compromise, because we respect each other. I have not got close the 'love' word. We respect each other and without that there cannot be love (IMO).

Please see what you can do to get out of this mess. I really do not want to see you hurt.

Cindy

[Mahsa Tezani]

I'm very sorry but I really do think you are being used, and for your future happiness you need to think through the issues and get help. You own your sexuality, he doesn't. And, my apologies for being long winded, you have Gay friends and are have DQ friends, he purports not to like that scene, he then says he is homophobic?  But how can he love you without accepting your friends? Do you think you can have a long term relationship with someone who doesn't like your friends, and people you hang out with?

I don't know about that, the downside is that a lot of straight men who date transsexuals have their own sexual issues to deal with. He was attracted to me as a boy...Yes, I was a feminine boy. He is really into my part though and that kind of bothers me. Yes I understand there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't mind if their girlfriend had a penis(and I have no intentions for srs)... But I've thought for the longest time I was merely his step stone into gay culture and he was my stepping stone into straight culture. Up until 6 months ago, I was fawning over gay boys instead of straight boys.

Now due to my drag mom coaching me, I've perfected my look. It's just a matter of getting some ffs(nose and lips) so I won't have to rely on makeup as much. I can land any man who wants me at this point... But he has done a lot for me.

So I think to a certain degree, I am a suroggate for his wife and someone for him to further explore his sexuality with.

[Akashiya Moka]

~Hmmm, so he doesn't trust you or respect your choice of friends.... Cut the strings, seriously! You're obviously unhappy, so ditch him for a man (or woman) that will make you feel alive, and who won't try to run your life. You can do better than a married jerk.

[Abstract]

I love my boyfriend. Yes, he is 23 yrs older than me. Yeah, he's a married man. But I enjoy the time I spend with him. Yesterday, he came to see me. We went out to Fresh Choice, went to Target, out to a nature walk, and back home to make love. I felt bored, and I kept wondering, "why am I doing this?" I wasn't in the mood for sex and lately I haven't been in the mood for him. He kept trying to force me to have sex and was kissing me the entire time... I told him, 'stop" and he got pissed off.

My boyfriend has been married for 23 yrs. His wife is suffering from onset Alzheimers and they both live with his 98 yr old mother in her house. He is the polar opposite of me. He is a film show organizer and an A/V installer. He has a 23 yr old daughter.

But I felt the term that signified what I am going through is "stagnation". The last two years of my transition have been that. I can't go out to the City or San Jo without my boyfriend questioning me and having drama created. So as a result, I've became very lazy. I can't ever go out with friends, because he'll text me and ask me why I am not on AIM.

It is somewhat disappointing to transition and then spend the next 2 years at home on the computer. I hate it. I hate being on the computer talking to him when I should be doing stuff around the house, meeting my friends, etc.

My boyfriend is also jealous of any man who is attracted to me on fb. I meet a ton of guys IRL and on fb. Guys who I've dated, who are now on my fb. My boyfriend has issues with my gay guy friends paying attention to me, much less straight guys. It's caused a lot of drama as he's told me he will beat the crap out of my friends if they come over to my house.

Yesterday I showed him a Chris Crocker(One of the new ones, when he is looking/acting like a boy) video and he told me, "If that kid was my son, I'd disown him" and I was like why, then he said "He's a gay sissy". This kind of stuff bothers me, since he knew me transition when I was the gayest boy ever... That combined with his controlling behavior is driving me ->-bleeped-<-ing insane. His homophobia is the worst.

I don't know what to do. I miss being social, but I love him.

I hate to say this because i can understand the understanding nature of such as perhaps you, that seems common especially amongst the transgendered, but I just don't feel that this is the sort of person for you... I imagine you may try to keep it going but it is going to end that seems apparent... you might as well end it now... you cannot have someone holding you under what you can be... the only relation ship worth having is with those who accelerate you not those who stagnate you...this stagnation is not of any bit you but of him... this relationship does not seem healthy but perhaps there are other considerations... i would take it slow though and simply step outside the bound let that break it off rather then direct attempt... go out with your friends and if he moves away from your relationship then so be it... that is all that it can be at such a point... I have seen what those sort of relationships can turn into and it can be severely detrimental to you, I feel, if you hold to tight to his strictions.

[Cindy]

I don't know about that, the downside is that a lot of straight men who date transsexuals have their own sexual issues to deal with. He was attracted to me as a boy...Yes, I was a feminine boy. He is really into my part though and that kind of bothers me. Yes I understand there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't mind if their girlfriend had a penis(and I have no intentions for srs)... But I've thought for the longest time I was merely his step stone into gay culture and he was my stepping stone into straight culture. Up until 6 months ago, I was fawning over gay boys instead of straight boys.

Now due to my drag mom coaching me, I've perfected my look. It's just a matter of getting some ffs(nose and lips) so I won't have to rely on makeup as much. I can land any man who wants me at this point... But he has done a lot for me.

So I think to a certain degree, I am a suroggate for his wife and someone for him to further explore his sexuality with.

I'm not sure of the semantics, but straight guys don't date gay guys. Straight guys with gay tendencies may, but I think they would be called gay?

Cindy

[Abstract]

I don't know about that, the downside is that a lot of straight men who date transsexuals have their own sexual issues to deal with. He was attracted to me as a boy...Yes, I was a feminine boy. He is really into my part though and that kind of bothers me. Yes I understand there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't mind if their girlfriend had a penis(and I have no intentions for srs)... But I've thought for the longest time I was merely his step stone into gay culture and he was my stepping stone into straight culture. Up until 6 months ago, I was fawning over gay boys instead of straight boys.

Now due to my drag mom coaching me, I've perfected my look. It's just a matter of getting some ffs(nose and lips) so I won't have to rely on makeup as much. I can land any man who wants me at this point... But he has done a lot for me.

So I think to a certain degree, I am a suroggate for his wife and someone for him to further explore his sexuality with.

From your avatar you seem female to me...

To be honest though I worry about that perspective in my own relationships I am a cis male.. but i am bisexual... not afraid of gay relations ships but ...i don't know the female body is more ingrained to me... largely though I find and attraction to transgendered mainly as a result of their experience in understanding universal psychology..or i mean both perspectives... perhaps that is as i personally identify non-gendered...or bi-gendered... maybe he is the same... but then from what you have said it seems plausible that his homophobic expression especially considering they were seeming ly inconsiderately expressed around you may be a result of attempt to disguise yet excepted interests...

[Mahsa Tezani]

I'm not sure of the semantics, but straight guys don't date gay guys. Straight guys with gay tendencies may, but I think they would be called gay?

Cindy

Dresden_Doll coined the term, "Heteroflexible" I think that applies here.

[Mahsa Tezani]

From your avatar you seem female to me...

To be honest though I worry about that perspective in my own relationships I am a cis male.. but i am bisexual... not afraid of gay relations ships but ...i don't know the female body is more ingrained to me... largely though I find and attraction to transgendered mainly as a result of their experience in understanding universal psychology..or i mean both perspectives... perhaps that is as i personally identify non-gendered...or bi-gendered... maybe he is the same... but then from what you have said it seems plausible that his homophobic expression especially considering they were seeming ly inconsiderately expressed around you may be a result of attempt to disguise yet excepted interests...

Well the whole disowning his gay son type stuff and not wanting me to be around gay men bothers me. But he's 51 and is too old to change.

But he isn't into my duality. He wants me to completely embrace the femininity and shut off my rainbow connections. But not letting me out, controlling and watching everything I do takes the relationship to a different level.

In the past 15 months, we've spent the night together...ONCE.

[Dana_H]

I cannot agree strongly enough with Cindy James. I have a friend who once spent ten years in an abusive relationship before finally breaking free. He was a very controlling individual. He isolated her from her friends and family, "strongly encouraged" her to do things his way all the time, made her feel inferior, and eventually started making threats of violence. Yet, he somehow also convinced her that he loved her and planned to marry her "someday".

His typical behavior was to become more and more overbearing until she either blew up at him or had a melt-down, after which he would "become nice" again for a while...but the negative behavior always came back, usually stronger than ever. It eventually took a near-intervention on the part of a trusted and worried friend to break her free of him. Sadly, she developed PTSD from all the abuse. Not a good thing.

Be very wary of anyone who tries to control what you do or who you are, especially if you find yourself spending less and less time with your family and friends; these are signs of possible bad juju. If he tries to minimize your access to his life (such as his own mother) that is also not a good sign.

[Abstract]

Well the whole disowning his gay son type stuff and not wanting me to be around gay men bothers me. But he's 51 and is too old to change.

But he isn't into my duality. He wants me to completely embrace the femininity and shut off my rainbow connections. But not letting me out, controlling and watching everything I do takes the relationship to a different level.

In the past 15 months, we've spent the night together...ONCE.

I don't see that continuing then...you should let it go...

[Keaira]

Girl, I KNOW you can do better than that!  Btw, Ive seen the other side of this. My mum cheated on my Dad. And it just totally destroyed the family. And I'm not exaggerating. I'm here in the US, my Dad lives in Scotland, my Mum, Germany and my brother lives in England. Break it off and enjoy your freedom.
*hugs*

[Fighter]

I'm not going to say that you shouldn't love him, and I'm not going to tell you to necessarily break up with him. I am going to say, though, that you shouldn't let him push you around, control you, or imprison you. You have to lay down the hammer on this one, one way or another. He doesn't control you, YOU control you. You have every right to live your life the way you want. Live how you want to live, not how he wants you to live!

[Colleen Ireland]

Fwb?

FWB = Friend With Benefits

And I'll repeat my question:  Don't you think your present situation bears much resemblance to his wife's, and could worsen to be EXACTLY like that?  He does sound like a control freak at least, abuser (long-term) at worst.  I'm concerned for you, hon...

[jennifer6]

Mahsa, it sounds like maybe you can do better outside of your current situation, but I'm sure as hell not going to judge you. If it's not fun anymore then you'll find the strength to move on.  Or you can keep taking the good and bad and we're here to listen!

Dare I ask who else here has stayed in a doomed relationship for the sake of the sex or the ease of being in a comfortable situation?  It's a little harsh judging someone else's life situation if we're not in it ourselves.  We've all been through (or are in) rough places and what makes us happy doesn't always make sense to the outside world. 

Jenn

[Jen61]

You're saying I look 40 something?

Way to be insulting... I didn't even read the rest of what you had to say.

Honey,

When you post in public and ask opinions you should expect to hear opinions you may not like. As far as appearances it is all perceptions, and witout the benefit of fully know you all I can go is by your appearance. I look at the bags under your eyes and the skin in your neck and well, to me you look like you are in your late 30's or early 40's. No offense intended !

As far as dating a married man, he is braking the law, adultery, and you are knowingly part of it. Immoral in my opinion. So that you know where I am coming from, let me  tell you I was at the other end, the receiving end. It is very hurtful to be betrayed by your spause. In my case, i filed for divorce based in adultery, and in said document I named the other party involved in the adultery. MY adulterous ex-spause "boyfriend" name and her name are now in the public record as adulterous !  I hope you reconsider your position.

Sincerely,

Jen61

[Jen61]

Girl, I KNOW you can do better than that!  Btw, Ive seen the other side of this. My mum cheated on my Dad. And it just totally destroyed the family. And I'm not exaggerating. I'm here in the US, my Dad lives in Scotland, my Mum, Germany and my brother lives in England. Break it off and enjoy your freedom.
*hugs*

It was devastating on my 6 kids. The oldest is boy with her, the youngest girl sort of talks to her, the rest (3 boys +1 girl) do not want to hear her name mentioned. BTW all live with me; I have sole custody and the house and everything. I won nothing, after 5 years, I still cry about her loss. I think I Will always love her and miss her, but I cannot and will not forgive her for the pain she inflicted to the kids.

Masha:

Sorry for the drama, I do not mean to hijack your thread, but you have stirred my soul.

Jen61

[AbraCadabra]

It might be news to you, - but there is learning in stagnation, um.

It's also called at times: "Enjoy your stuckness..."

The other bit of wisdom I come often across says: "You obviously have not been hurt enough yet.."

It may sound a like tough love - and yes it is. You will not be able to do much with all the advice given here - until you KNOW and FEEL you ready.

Honey, if you ready - you WILL make a move.
In the meantime... enjoy your stuckness..., because that is what you have decided to do for now.

Ponderous,
Axelle