Hi Erin,
I am a single parent as well and transitioned with my children, who were all elementary school age at the time. I feel like we made it through quite well, all things considered. What seemed to work:
1. Getting a good therapist, preferably one who has family therapy experience. If you see your children are not doing well or struggling at any time, getting them into therapy is critical. It also shows you are willing to do what you can to help your children.
2. Be honest, clear, and up-front with your children, but make it gradual. I started buying more female items I liked, did more of my female interests, and slowly started dressing more feminine. Why children would ask questions from time to time. I also frequently asked them questions, like: how do you feel about me becoming a girl, are you scared of what people will think, what do you think we should do about such and such situation, does it make you sad to see me change, etc. My children in the long run were and became my greatest advocates.
3. My biggest worry and struggle (still is) my ex. Our divorce was terrible, mainly because of her behavior, resulting in me becoming the primarily custodial parent. I worried ad nauseum about how my ex would react and whether she would attempt to turn my children against me. She tried, but it was too late. She was one of the very last to be told and I feel it helped my situation. I did not ask my children to hide it from her, but they also knew the ramifications and what might occur. I always told my children to be honest about things I she asked, which she didn't unit over a year into transition. We had some scares at times, which we laugh about. The thing is, by the time she realized what was going on it was too late for her to change things. My children saw me as a female whenever we weren't around her and when I had to be around her I was male. This gave my children time to see me, accept me, and realize things were okay with me being female before she had a chance to change them. When my transition was discovered it was too late and my children saw things for what they were. It was only a slow and gradual transition which allowed this to occur and living the "double life" simply to save myself and my children. Some experts advise to come out to the other parent early in transition. Unless you absolutely know your ex will be accepting, let your children adjust to knowing you as female first.
4. Get a good lawyer who is familiar with transgender family issues. LAMBDA legal and NCLR are excellent resources. I was referred to my lawyer by NCLR. Even if there are no issues it is good to have someone legally on your side if you ever need them. A good lawyer is worth the cost. This is not somewhere you want to skimp on money.
5. Meet with someone who is an expert in child development for ideas or tips on how to help your children. Again, this shows you are an advocate for your children and trying to help them through this process.
6. Again, the best thing I found is to be slow, gradual, understanding, caring, willing to listen, but also very careful.
7. I went very slow with work as well. It was the easy part of my transition and still work in the same job I did before transition. I am a very high demand job and could have gone anywhere to my benefit.
I pray your transition is successful and brings happiness to you and your children. I am here to discuss any concerns you have and share my experiences. You can PM me anytime. Live your life, live your dream, be you.
Megan
