Spouse wants stability from me

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

It has been 6 months of her being on hormones. She asks me how long will it be till I can finally be happy and positive consistantly. It is like I am on a time constraint. I almost can not stand this!!!! I want to have some understanding and do this in my own time!!! I am adapting to being married to a woman and she is feeling like I am playing with her until something better comes along!! I AM NOT DOING THAT!!!! We have been going to counsling for a bit and well I can not wait to get this out!!!! I am super frustrated and feel I have nowhere to turn!!! Spouse feels they need stability, will so do I. I want to stay with her but it feels like we are getting nowhere together. We are happy when we go out and at times I get negative and she gets mad....

[Cindy]

This is sad when you have been so supportive. I know you gave away the chance of a baby as well. I think she is the one who is not being supportive, but I don't know what to suggests to make her see that.
I know that people have said give it time for her to find herself, but it seems a bit prolonged. A lot of use are on HRT and OK I've had mood swings and can be a lot more emotional than I was  before HRT, but I'm still a functional person, who interacts with other people. And I have to look after my disabled wife, at least part time.

I think it might be time to have a sit down and a heart to heart talk.

Hugs to you

Cindy

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

I have been trying to have a heart to heart talk with her. But for some reason, she has a hard time understanding what I am saying. I am very broken right now!!!! When we go out I am usually happy and positive, but once I get negative or agitated towards her, she feels extremely overwhelmed and embarrassed. I understand she does not want any additional attention on her, that she feels she already gets. I try to be as supportive as I can be, BUT this is hard for me too!!!!!!! I am at a loss. Our communication is breaking down on this subject and I do not know how to proceed. I told her if she does put limits on how long I am to adapt to these changes I will leave!!! She gets mad. I do not have her support.

[jillian]

When we decided to give up the baby, it was a mutual decision. I didnt beg her to do it, it was a decision we came to together based of the perceived struggles that we may encounter. 
I will not be guilted into the idea that a life was sacrificed for me.
I forced no ones hand and in fact share the pain and grief of that loss.

I love my spouse, more than most think, and while she has been supportive, its come to a point where me being trans is an excuse for whatever shortcomings may be displayed.
Its never okay to be rude topeople, its never okay to be a bitch, and its never okay to justify your actions simply because of anothers existence.

I understand that we are both transitioning, however I will not become the crutch for everyones negative behavior. Especially when that behavior is directed towards me. Its one thing to come on to a message board and make yourself look like gods gioft to the trans community, its another to treat people with compassion and dignity, and I dont believe airing your  personal buisness in a resteraunt where people are already all up in your buisness is respectful, compassionate, or supportive.

So I can be the bad girl, thats fine, but its up for individuals to take responsibility for their own actions and stop using others as excuses.

For the record quirky queen, I love you more than anything, but last weekend when I was ready, and convinced that suicide was my only option I had an awakening, and this showed me the only way to live was to persist, and so I am. I will live, I will do my best to be positive, and those who want to judge me, chastize me, or bring me down, much like my mother did when she called me the devil and told me to ->-bleeped-<- myself, will have to no longer be apart of my life. Its not because I dont love her, its because her actions and words do not convey love towards me. Its not that I dont care, its that she doesnt.  So people like my sister can turn this around and say I am not accepting her, but for her, its not life or death.

[SilvermanUK]

I didnt really know your situation to comment, so I read a few of your posts and got the general gist. To be honest I am appalled. Why is it that your making all the sacrifices and your the one who is having to change who they are in order to stay with your partner. Yet when you require a little time and understanding, she seems unwilling/not capable of giving that. There are an awful lot of double standards going on here.

Partners go through transition as well, we fall in love with our partners only to have them become someone else. Some dont make it, and some do, but it takes patience, communication, support and understanding from both sides. It simply can not be one sided!

We SO's have fears and insecurities and confusion and mind blowing stuff going on, just as they do. What are we supposed to do, bottle it all up and not share with our partners how were feeling? Because that will not work, and if she is unwilling to listen or understand what YOU are going through, its never going to work. The world quite simply does not revolve around her transition, there are two of you in this relationship!!

If she is not willing to work on what is going on in your own head, if she is so self absorbed that the world revolves around how she feels and what she is dealing with, and she is refusing to see your side of how your dealing or not dealing with it, then really if I was you, I'd walk away. Because my sweet, you deserve better, you have already given so much of yourself, and sometimes loving a person is not enough. Just my opinion though.

[SilvermanUK]

When we decided to give up the baby, it was a mutual decision. I didnt beg her to do it, it was a decision we came to together based of the perceived struggles that we may encounter. 
I will not be guilted into the idea that a life was sacrificed for me.
I forced no ones hand and in fact share the pain and grief of that loss.

I love my spouse, more than most think, and while she has been supportive, its come to a point where me being trans is an excuse for whatever shortcomings may be displayed.
Its never okay to be rude topeople, its never okay to be a bitch, and its never okay to justify your actions simply because of anothers existence.

I understand that we are both transitioning, however I will not become the crutch for everyones negative behavior. Especially when that behavior is directed towards me. Its one thing to come on to a message board and make yourself look like gods gioft to the trans community, its another to treat people with compassion and dignity, and I dont believe airing your  personal buisness in a resteraunt where people are already all up in your buisness is respectful, compassionate, or supportive.

So I can be the bad girl, thats fine, but its up for individuals to take responsibility for their own actions and stop using others as excuses.

For the record quirky queen, I love you more than anything, but last weekend when I was ready, and convinced that suicide was my only option I had an awakening, and this showed me the only way to live was to persist, and so I am. I will live, I will do my best to be positive, and those who want to judge me, chastize me, or bring me down, much like my mother did when she called me the devil and told me to <not allowed> myself, will have to no longer be apart of my life. Its not because I dont love her, its because her actions and words do not convey love towards me. Its not that I dont care, its that she doesnt.  So people like my sister can turn this around and say I am not accepting her, but for her, its not life or death.

Your right your both transitioning, but perhaps you guys have a massive communication breakdown here. Expectations may be too high.

An example of this is with my own relationship, I gender identify as a lesbian and have been a lesbian for 10 years, I met and fell in love with my partner, and then he told me he wanted to transition. I do have a big issue with 'the penis' and so this has been a hard journey for me to go through.

I don't see myself a straight, or Bi,  and feel sometimes almost rebellious of, "why should I change who I am just because he is" ...  but I love him and dont want to lose him. So I am working on it with him.

Sometimes I have all this negativity going on in my head, I almost feel like I am drowning in my own fears and insecurities, so overwhelmed in them, that I could lose myself. So I talk with them about it. He felt bad about it and at first saw my negative feelings as a criticism or me being non supportive, when in reality all i wanted was for him to acknowledge my fears and insecurities, and support me and help me work on them.

I think if had hadnt have done that, which luckily for me he didn't, we wouldn't have survived.

He has been awesome and has got past the stage of feeling like I was being negative towards him, because it really wasn't that. I was just scared, of so many things, I had to voice them.

He is going to become masculine and I fell in love with him as a woman, and so for me that is a MASSIVE deal. Its like I will have to learn to love the new him and there are so many feelings and fears surrounding that. I mean how am I supposed to react if he asks me about his changes, when in the past I have felt so against being in a relationships with a man. I still dont know 100%. I was kinda grossed out when he grew out his armpit hair, but over time I adjusted, and am fine about it, along with his hairy legs. Sounds silly, but just even these small things have all meant a change in the way I think about how he looks. I have had to look at him differently. I have grown to feel attracted to him in a different way.

Your expecting her to react when she is even sure about how she feels with being with a WOMAN. She hasnt even adjusted to your being female yet, its still all a massive deal to her. I think your expecting a little bit too much too soon. This is going to take time.

I have to feel like I can voice everything I feel, I have to have the freedom to do that, or I will go nuts. Its no different for him, I support him in the same way I expect him to support me, its got to come from both of us. He has fears and insecurities too. We have had to learn to be far more effective at communication that we ever were before.

If your both not willing or able to do that though, you'll just end up damaging each other.

Both you and your partner have valid reasons for being upset with each other, but at the moment your not working together, your almost working against each other. Maybe the counselling needs to be increased??

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Thank you for your comments. I am glad that Jill has given her comment to this as well. It was a mutual choose to terminate. I am taking it much harder then she is. But I have come a long way genuinely in my heart since then.  I have a tendency to not want to hurt her feelings and tell her what she wants to hear. That is lieing, I know this. I am wrong for doing so. I just want to see her happy and not hurt but in the end she does not trust my opinion and we are working on trying to rebuild this. We are trying to work together on this and I have a hard time explaining stuff so she can understand them. She indeed loves me very much and I do her as well. I agreed to be totally honest with her from now on, and learn to not broadcast our relationship or be as negative in the future. We will defiantly talk with our therapist about this on Sat... I do feel tightly wond at the moment and am trying to feel more relaxed. Jill is doing well for the most part, I understand she has faced death really closely and for me to act in the ways I have been she does not understand, sure I am insecure and it can come off on our outings.

[SilvermanUK]

Thank you for your comments. I am glad that Jill has given her comment to this as well. It was a mutual choose to terminate. I am taking it much harder then she is. But I have come a long way genuinely in my heart since then.  I have a tendency to not want to hurt her feelings and tell her what she wants to hear. That is lieing, I know this. I am wrong for doing so. I just want to see her happy and not hurt but in the end she does not trust my opinion and we are working on trying to rebuild this. We are trying to work together on this and I have a hard time explaining stuff so she can understand them. She indeed loves me very much and I do her as well. I agreed to be totally honest with her from now on, and learn to not broadcast our relationship or be as negative in the future. We will defiantly talk with our therapist about this on Sat... I do feel tightly wond at the moment and am trying to feel more relaxed. Jill is doing well for the most part, I understand she has faced death really closely and for me to act in the ways I have been she does not understand, sure I am insecure and it can come off on our outings.

The fact that you have stated on several occasions that you have given up a child for her shows me that it was not as mutual as you think. Of course you are going to take it harder than her, you carried the child, that is only natural, and I am sure you will feel a multitude of feelings surrounding it, guilt , anger, sadness etc, and again they are all natural. It can take years to get over the loss of a child even if it was a decision you took, its still a loss that you have to get over, and that will not happen overnight. You need to give yourself that time and you need to be honest about how you really feel about it.

Being honest with her means that sometimes you will have to tell her your negative feelings and thoughts. To not do that, means your lying to her and yourself.

If you feel negative, its because there is a reason, and you need to feel that you are secure enough with her, to voice that feeling and she needs to realise that its not always about her per se ...  its about how you feel, and your need to articulate it, so you can work through that feeling, and come out the other side.

Sometimes a negative can be worked through, to become a positive, and then move on from it. To 'not be so negative' means that your then not going to deal with it, and all that will happen is that it will fester and you'll end up exploding it all in in one go, which will cause more damage than if you just worked on it in the first place.

Your going to feel strange about her transition to a woman ...  about how she looks, smells and feels, and that is ALL NORMAL. You might feel negative about different aspects of the changes, I mean you were attracted to her as a man, and now your finding your way in the dark, to be attracted to her as a woman, and thats an awful lot to deal with, and your going to feel strange about it, freaked out about it, etc, thats all NORMAL!

You might even decide at some stage that you cant cope with all the changes, because its just not who you are. Its asking a lot of us SO's to change fundamentally who we are to stay with our partners, and its just not always possible for us to do it. We have to be extremely open minded about our own gender and sexual identities. Its a very complex thing to have to go through and you seriously need to give yourself a break. Your being far to hard on yourself.

Everything your feeling is NORMAL, your partner is asking a lot of you, and if the shoe was on the other foot would they be so understanding??

I understand that she is going through a lot also, and that must be hard for her to face as well, but she isnt the only one, and you both need to acknowledge each others problems, and be able to feel secure that you can do so, without anger or being defensive with each other, because its just not helpful in the slightest.

I wish you both the best xx

[LilDevilOfPrada]

she ain't being fair to you hon your both transitioning it really sounds like she hasn't grasped that yet and i am worried about that maybe you should try find a support group she can go to so she can find out about the stuff she hasn't grasped i  think your doing more than most ppl would do to be honest most would give up where you don't you should congratulated for you supportive skills Jills just being a selfish i remember her threads and she does love you but i think she just isn't grasping your also having a hard time maybe ask her to read your threads her just to see how much she is hurting you

hugs i really hope it gets betta and this is its worst because i would hate for you two to do something you will regret

[jillian]

I am certainly not being selfish.

I love my partner, I do everything for us. Cook, clean work, everything that I can.
I was ready to die last weekend and My partner told me that this is a process and I had to be patient and happy and that she wanted me to be confident again.
I didnt think I could be, and then I had a revelation.
This weekend was awesome, we put up halloween decorations, we went shopping, we went to dinner and laughed and played, then we went to sushi, and someone started complaining about everything.
Thats how this started. I simply communicated through the spoken word that there was really no reason to complain so much, and that it would be nice if we could enjoy the night, and all hell broke loose.

So the way I see it. When I am weak and suicidal, my partner loves me and is supportive.
When I am happy and confident, it is irritating.

So just because others have left their partners I should just be happy that she is with me? 
I dont understand that, every relationship is different, and aside from being trans we both offer each other quite a bit in this relationship.

Sometimes this place is crap, kind of why I havent been on here lately.

The whole point in life is to be happy and live.
Well I am happy, and I am living, and I want karin to be right there with me, if you choose not to sweetie, I will always be your friend. Ill give you the house, Ill pay for it until you cant, Ill screen potential husbands if you need me too, Ill still do your laundry while you take tests and Ill still cook while you study and play facebook.

Whatever you want, and whatever it takes for you to be happy.  I love you. These people dont know us. They know our extremes, but they dont know us.
I love you, and I know you love me. 
I understand its not easy to watch the man of your dreams turn into a woman, but this didnt happen overnight.
There has to come a point in time where you accept it, or not. 

I hope you choose to stay
I think about you ALL the time. Im either thinking about you, or work, or my body (lol)

I love being near you, and going places and having fun even while people look all weird at us.
I love walking the dogs with you and both of us almost tripping on trigger
I love when in the morning I ask you how I look and you always say your blind
I love the enormous amount of texts we send each other about mostly irrelevant things.
I even love your blue tooth look robogirl.

Why should it matter if I am trans? you fell in love with me, not my penis, there is plenty of men who had bigger ones and nicer bodies, you fell in love with me because of how we meshed, why does that change? Why should I be (according to some) grateful that you havent left yet?

What we have, most people only dream of having, trans or not. You see how miserable "normal" people are. Day in day out, they complain, they bitch, they take it out on their co workers and those who inhabitate the municipalities with them. We are happy, more than not.

I know the past few months have been rough. I know I took it hard when my family rejected me, and we lost our friends because of whatever ignorant reason they thought was justified,  but really I want to live, and I want to live with you. We are best friends, and that should count for something.

I know you think I am not taking the abortion hard, but I cant mourn forever, it will eat me up like it is you. We did what we thought was right. We both discussed it as human beings living in a ->-bleeped-<-ed up world surrounded by ->-bleeped-<-ed up people. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to think about, and there are times when I think about its little halo and I start to cry, but I cant dwell in it. Its done, we did what we thought we had to do, and its okay.  I know it sucks, especially since Jess is pregnant, but she has a different life, and if you focused on her rather than your resentments, you'd probably see that she is miserable, which sucks because I love her, but she didnt want to get pregnant.

I am extremely grateful for you. You are my angel.
I think by time you read this, everything will be back to normal...oops: "normal"    I love you quirky, dont let these people tell you what to think. This is our life, if anyone should be teling us what to think it should be each other.  At least we know where each other is coming from.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Thank you sweetie I LOVE YOU just as much as you love me!!! You summed up everything!!! I am right here with you. We can get through our stuff together!!! oooxxxxooooxxx

[SilvermanUK]

I certainly dont think your selfish Jill not at all but transitioning can make you look at things in a very insular towards yourself kind of way, and tbh that perfect;y normal, and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting or needing that. However on the other foot Quirky shouldn't feel bad for wanting or needing to have a whinge ,and a moan either. Perhaps she could have chosen a better place, or time, to voice her complaints, but it does not make it any less valid or irrelevant.

Its great that you do so much to help her in a physical sense, but she needs help in an emotional sense, and its obvious she isnt coping as well ,emotionally, as you would hope her to. Its great that you also can draw a line under things with regards to the baby, but its obvious that she cant do that, and isnt ready to do that,  quite yet, and you do need to acknowledge and support her with that ,because obviously she is finding that hard. Its ok that you draw a line under it, but you cant expect her to do that.

Your right she fell in love with you, but she fell in love with all of you, your 'penis' and 'maleness', was also a part of the 'physical' attraction as well, as there being an emotional attraction. Its not very realistic to expect that she just deal with your changes, because your 'still you', because yes your still 'you' in the sense of the soul of you is still there, but the shell is changing to female, which is to help you feel complete, but she is having to change her feelings, and her physical attraction, towards you...kinda like what the heart feels and the mind see's.  Changing how she perceives you through thought , touch, smell, sight. Its a massive shift.

You have been on hormones what...6 months? From what I read... you cant expect her to accept it or not, after such a short time. You have known each other 9 years, (from what quirky said)  and in that time you have evolved your relationship, and that certainly did not happen in 6 months. Even if you were thinking of transitioning for years, your physical changes have only been happening a short time. Talking about it, and the actual reality of what is actually happening to your body, in front of her very eyes, is very different. Anybody would feel panicked, freaked, shocked etc. She needs to be able to articulate everything she feels. Even if its not something you may want to hear. Otherwise she will internalise everything, and turn it in on herself, and make how she feels, her fault, which simply put, it isnt. Which will cause more problems in the long run.

My OH and I have been together over 2 years and he has terrible dyphoria and how he feels affects me in positive and negative ways and he certainly wouldn't expect me to just get on with it, or draw a line under it. Its going to take time and it could take years for me to adapt fully. We have an open dialogue and we accept that the negative and the positives are very much going to be a part of our journey together, its not all going to be chocolate and roses and smiles and laughter. There is going to be dredging in poop along the way. I am gonna have moments where I cry and stomp my feet and throw  my toys out the pram, and that is totally normal. Thats the reality of it, but we know this, and accept that we will have to work on that. It will make us stronger in the long run.  I wish transitioning could be more positive, but sadly thats not the reality of it, there are things that will make us unhappy, just as they can make both of you unhappy.

Your right we dont know you guys and we dont live your lives, but I do understand where Quirky is coming from, in many ways, that you cannot see, cos your to close to the situation. I do think your expectations of how things should happen, are way too high, and I do feel your 'timeframes' of how things should be, are not realistic. You may have been together years, but your relationship is changing completely. Which takes time, not moments.  thin its great you love her and I do wish you both luck on your journey. xx

[jillian]

Thank you silverman, I think you made a lot of sense.

She is my everything, and she needs to go through what she needs to go through in the time she needs, it just is scary wondering if when she goes through it if there will still be an us.

I dont mean to sound aggressive but I spent last weekend on the verge of suicide, and if it wasnt for her Id be gone.  This week came with a revelation and an insistence on my part to be positive and stop going into the darkness where nothing constructive or beneficial to anyone would be found. So part of my dialogue was a result of my ego, albeit one I need at this time.  Its definetley not my male ego, but it is taking the place of my confidence, and in some ways it is helping me build it.

I wasnt expecting what took place at sushi to take place. Its easy for me to look past her feelings when I am so absorbed in mine to the point where I contemplate taking my own life. Especially when she is the one being strong, its hard for me to consider just how much she could be hurting. 

I love her, so much. I love her enough to let go, which is what I did today. I cried, and cried and shook, but not once did I think of killing myself, rather how much I love her and miss her.  She came back and I am grateful for it. She is my soulmate in every sense of the word. I apologize if I came off as a complete bitch, but I desperately needed her to hear me, so that I could hear her.  In hindsight, thank you all for being here not only for me, but especially for qUiRkY. 

[Cindy]

Nice to see and hear the kiss and make up

My love to you both and may the Goddess look after you.

Hugs
Cindy

[SilvermanUK]

Thank you silverman, I think you made a lot of sense.

She is my everything, and she needs to go through what she needs to go through in the time she needs, it just is scary wondering if when she goes through it if there will still be an us.

I dont mean to sound aggressive but I spent last weekend on the verge of suicide, and if it wasnt for her Id be gone.  This week came with a revelation and an insistence on my part to be positive and stop going into the darkness where nothing constructive or beneficial to anyone would be found. So part of my dialogue was a result of my ego, albeit one I need at this time.  Its definetley not my male ego, but it is taking the place of my confidence, and in some ways it is helping me build it.

I wasnt expecting what took place at sushi to take place. Its easy for me to look past her feelings when I am so absorbed in mine to the point where I contemplate taking my own life. Especially when she is the one being strong, its hard for me to consider just how much she could be hurting. 

I love her, so much. I love her enough to let go, which is what I did today. I cried, and cried and shook, but not once did I think of killing myself, rather how much I love her and miss her.  She came back and I am grateful for it. She is my soulmate in every sense of the word. I apologize if I came off as a complete bitch, but I desperately needed her to hear me, so that I could hear her.  In hindsight, thank you all for being here not only for me, but especially for qUiRkY.

Its totally fine to be scared of the outcome of your transition on your relationship, I'd be worried if you weren't.

How you deal with your transition TOGETHER is really the building blocks of your new relationship, that will be born out of your transition.

I know its hard to sometimes see past your own feelings and pain, and thoughts, and fears etc, but as you have said, she is there for you and you need to share everything.

Its got to come from both of you. Help each other. Take your time.

My OH is fond of saying, what will be, will be, and he is right to a certain extent, I do agree that if your destined to be together, then it will happen, but it sure helps if your both on the same page with how you deal with each others thoughts, feelings, and fears.

A lot of her reactions are based on her own fears and insecurities, she is in a very very scary place right now, she is just as scared of losing you, as well as losing herself, she is having to evolve at a faster pace, than most people would do, its no wonder she is all over the place. Its a bit like being in a tornado of emotions.

Its so its very useful to try and teach yourself to pause before you react, and just try to see it from her point of view before you react. The biggest thing you can both learn to do is listen objectively, and that is incredibly hard to do when your wrapped up in all these emotions, but its a very useful thing to help you guys. Its just not helpful to react with your emotions (which I know is easier said than done), because you just don't hear each other if you do.

Take Care xx

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Thank you everyone for your kind words!!