Nervous about SRS!!

[israchick]

Firstly, I'm putting this thread here to get as many responses as possible from post-srs girls. If this is a problem, mods, please let me know!

So, I have my surgery scheduled for the end of November (it's currently the end of October) with Suporn. I scheduled it months ago and now, a month from surgery, I'm suddenly/finally getting nervous! First I started freaking out about dilation (will I keep up with it, etc) and then, while googling about it I came across the "Suporn's Failure" thread, which freaked me out even more.

I've heard from lots of folks that they suffered after surgery due to expectations- they expected life to change, relationships to improve, sex to be fulfilling et cetera. Well, I'm not too worried about that - I love my life the way it is. I love my job, I really love being single (and have for years), I'm not that interested in sex. So, I'm also not too concerned about depth (lesbian and not very sexual) or even about ability to orgasm (I currently get aroused once every few weeks, and even then I could take it or leave it - though I really would prefer to be sensate!)

My real concern has always been whether SRS will effect my daily life. Problems like incontinence, pains etc would really be bad for me. Reading in "Suporn's Failure" about the labia majora rubbing against the leg when walking really freaked me out. Chronic pain really scares me. Basically, I don't need the ability to have mind blowing penetrative sex - I need the ability to live a normal life with female genitalia.

And now I'm all scared. I know it's probably pre-surgical jitters, but I even looked at what the procedure is to cancel surgery. I definitely want SRS - I've known I'll need it since I was a little kid. I've planned it since transition eight years ago (health and life got in the way until now) and now I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I'll never feel whole/at peace in my body until I have the correct genitalia. I can't think of any other surgeon who would magically make these fears disappear. I know the vast majority of Suporn's patients are quite happy, and my lower bar for success probably makes it even more likely that I'll be pleased with the results. I know that I'll probably be okay about dilating properly, and even if I screw up a little the fact that depth is relatively unimportant to me makes that less critical (though still important!)

I guess I need reassurance so I don't spend the next month freaking the f**k out. I really am a level-headed woman - but this is MAJOR!


So... can anyone help me down? Please?

BTW, if its relevant to anyone, I'm 28 years old.

Signed,
Israchick

[spacial]

Really hope some here can reassure you. You're almost over the finishing line now. Be such a shame to lose your nerve.

I recall some others, at your stage, expressing similar last minute doubts.

While I am not familiar with the details of the Suborn's Failure thread, I can say, speaking as someone with some limited surgical experience, that problems arise for some people. All ops, all surgeons. The variable is the individual patient.

Incidently, I'm non-op. I deeply regret it. But am so utterly happy for those that have succeeded and those, like yourself, who are about to.

Good luck.

[missyzanta]

I was nervous as I got closer to mine but when i got there, the fear went away.  I used Dr Bowers and my life was pretty much like yours, always a girl.  So I was already presented to the world as a female and the surgery just was a removal of a wart.  Will your life change superfically, NO. because u have been a woman too long but sexually and in your subconcious it will.  You will FELL whole.  It didnt hit me til 6mths later.  I was getting out of the shower and i just started screaming when i looked in the mirror.  It was by no means fear, it was a feeling that over took my body and that feeling was JOY.   You will be alright.  The fear is normal because what u have wanted for so long is now becoming a reality. 

You are right to understand that when u walk down the street, no one sees your vagina but YOU know its there and you will not walk anymore, u will FLOAT!

[FairyGirl]

the psychological changes after surgery are as important and life altering as the physical one.  It comes down to your motivation and what its worth to you.  For one thing you have to know that even if you don't count dilating for the rest of your life,  it's a simple fact that just having a vagina is a lot more high maintenance than that other thing.  This is true whether you were born transsexual or not.  But it can be oh so worth it, if surgery is right for you.

I was willing to give up everything, feelings, orgasms, whatever, to finally become complete.  The burning desire to be complete is a noble reason to seek the surgical cure, and why we do this in the first place.  I really didn't care about anything else.   I had reasonable expectations, but was also aware of all the risks.  Any competent surgery will make sure you know these things going into it.  I have to say I would do it again a thousand times over, and fortunately everything came out fine for me- I have full orgasmic sensation in both my clitoris and my vagina, and the visual results are amazing.  But most of all, even if no one else ever saw what's between my legs, I know what's there, and that's what makes all the difference.

What you're going through is normal and it will pass.  Remind yourself of why you're doing this, and then imagine how you would feel if something were to happen at the last minute to prevent it-  If you can't live without it, then you are doing the right thing.  Best of luck to you.

[paulault55]

Israchick, you are so lucky to be getting surgery at your young age, what you are going through is normal, i had my surgery almost 6 months ago at the age of 59 i think everyone is nervous the closer they get to surgery, i know i was, after all this is major surgery, 4 - 5 hours worth,  i was nervous as to whether i would wake up from surgery, but even if i did not it was better than living the rest of my life with a penis, i had no expectations going in that having GCS would wipe out my debts or make me a model, i knew nothing material would change afterward, what i did not fully expect is how dramatic the psychological changes were going to be, when i woke up in recovery my first thought was that i survived, my second thought was that i was now complete, at that point a calmness came over me like i have never felt before.

I did not get allot of depth due to being diabetic and Dr. Mcginn not wanting to push the envelope due to blood flow issues in the surgical area, what she said that i will always remember is "at least it is not a penis" i am fine with the depth i have, i was sensate right after surgery, my only complication, which is fairly common was quite a bit of granulation tissue that has since been treated with silver nitrate, i am very pleased with the results.

Dilation the first few months can consume allot of your time, i dilated 5 times a day for 30 minutes for the first 8 weeks, it ruled my life, i think Suporn requires less, i may be a pain to do but following your doctors dilation schedule is very important, before you know it you will be down to once a day then once a week, missing a dilation here and there is inevitable, i did a few times with no impact on depth.

Complications from surgery can happen, not only from this surgery but any kind of surgery,  the surgeon should have gone over what complications could happen. As far as pain, everyone's pain threshold is different, i have a high tolerance to pain, 24 hours after surgery i was off the morphine pump and took only pain revilers if i needed them, another person i know had a low pain tolerance and had quite a bit of pain for weeks after her surgery.

To keep from freaking out, try keeping yourself occupied, read a book, listen to music, play a computer game, take walks or exercise, go out with friends, i am sure you will do fine.

Paula

[Valeriedoeswcs]

I really am a level-headed woman - but this is MAJOR!

Hi Israchick.

Yes, this is major and life changing. Complications can occur but this is a very, very successful surgery. Being nervous ahead of time is natural and happens to just about everyone, so please have some peace of mind that we all go through this. At some point as it gets nearer a calmness sets in and you will be at peace with yourself. Whatever happens happens. You are doing what you believe in your heart is the right thing for you. You have to trust that.

Thats the best input I can give, to trust your heart. And trust in your surgeon, your nursing staff, and those who have gone before you. There are many, many of us and if we can do it, so can you.

A vagina is a very wonderful gift you can give yourself. I cannot recommend it enough. I, myself had difficult complications, but have no regrets at all.

hugs,

Valerie

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi israchick,

Now for the good news   -   Guess what?  -  So am I !!!!

Congratulations on being where you are. If you turn around and look down the queue, I'm the one waving lol.  You need to be proud of where you are. What everyone before me has said is  -  110% true. Yes I said 110%.

They have walked the talk.

Do not be afraid.  Your feelings are legitimate.    It's normal to feel this way before major surgery.

I freak out, giving blood. But  -  GRS;  -  BRING IT ON!!!!!

What Valeriedoeswcs said really pushed my button: "A vagina is a very wonderful gift you can give yourself"

Yet the wisdom of Paulault, FairyGirl and missyzanta go directly to the core of our existence, and the need for this life changing event.  -  It just CANNOT be denied.

At the end of the day  -  you will be fine.

Go forward  -  in the peace and serenity   -   of a life unimaginable to come.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine
P.S.  Ensure you have a strong network of close friends to support you in this time  -  and beyond. That is critical.

[israchick]

Thank you all so much. You're right - This is something that's important to me, and being scared is natural. Still, it's something I've always needed and now it's going to happen.

Several of you said that you would prefer to die than to not have a vagina, which I'm not sure if I really feel. I certainly need it to feel whole, but I've found fulfillment in my job, my friendships, my family that my crotch isn't necessary for, but I certainly would prefer it. Years ago I felt that way - that life without the proper genitalia wasn't worth living. Certainly life as a male was hell - I'd rather die a thousand times over than ever go back to that (it feels like another life, all those years ago). On the other hand, what FairyGirl said was true - if at the last minute I were to find out that I couldn't have SRS, I'd be crushed.
I guess SRS was always a step I was going to take (a less significant one than transition) - it was always in the future, when I was ready in mind, body and soul (not to mention financially!) So I was always on the path to get it, ever since I was 15 and came out to my parents and they agreed that someday it would be a good solution (now my mom is coming with me to Thailand!) But if I were unable to get it, I would be destroyed.

I need SRS, yes. But because it's been less urgent for me than other parts of transition (which have all been quite successful), I think that I'm also less likely to be disappointed after I get it done if it's not EXACTLY what I imagined. I mean hey, at least its not a penis!


Thanks so much,
Israchick

[Valeriedoeswcs]

But if I were unable to get it, I would be destroyed.

The bottom line is we do it because we need to, it is a medical necessity due to our condition. And that overrides everything. Otherwise it just wouldnt be done. It is not cosmetic in nature nor is it elective. What can be more vital than the correcting of your own body? When I said gift, for me it was the gift of life.

[sweetie87]

Hi Israchick! I was in the same boat as you about six months ago. I felt very nervous about the surgery. I think it is a normal thing to feel nervous in anticipation of such a life changing event. Congratulations on your date! I'm sure you will be fine as the chance of anything going seriously wrong is extremely unlikely (I remember saying 'take good care of me' many times to the anaesthesiologist several times, haha). I emailed Sophie about being nervous and the advice she gave me was to just anticipate a quick recovery and understanding the seriousness of the surgery along with the excitement of having it and looking forward to it. This is very good advice and you will be in good hands. After the surgery just remain relaxed and you will find you will quickly adjust to the daily dilation and the little pain will be managable. I had surgery with Suporn (at age 24) so I speak from own experience. Best of luck!

Sweetie

[Julie Marie]

All surgeons have their fans and detractors. I've heard more good things about Suporn than bad things.

The biggest problem I found when I was out looking for information was in the honesty of the patients. Online, trying to get a somewhat dissatisfied patient to express their disappointment, or anger, is pretty difficult.  There is an unspoken rule you never dis a doctor who will do what we need him or her to do.  "Don't scare them away!"  I think that's BS.  They make too much money off us to be scared away.

After I had GRS and told of my dissatisfaction, I started to hear others express theirs.  And almost all the girls I know personally told me, after the fact, that they weren't all that happy either.  "Thanks girls!"

But had I been able to get everyone I asked to be completely honest, would I still have gone ahead and had the surgery?  That's a tough question because I don't know anyone who was totally satisfied after her GRS.  I suppose I would have kept looking.

The reality is this is major surgery.  A whole lot of nerves are cut and nerves take a very long time to heal.  Dilation is for life, be it organic or inorganic.  Or the "wound" just closes up.  Yeah, that's how your body sees the neo-vagina.

Recovery is months and maybe even years, if you are talking getting all the feeling back down there.  You should be ready for that.  And also be ready for the possibility of going back to "fix" something.  Most of the girls I know who could afford it, did that and the rest would like to do something, if they had the money.

This is not something that should be taken lightly and it should not be seen as something that is going to take care of all your problems.  It is one step along a very long path.  That path, like life, has a lot of great things and a lot of challenges.  That you're on it means you're taking control of your life.  That's a good thing.

[pretty pauline]

Israchick
You'v got a lot of honest answers to your question, I had my surgery in 1985, 26years ago, I had a few problems at the time, but things are much better now, surgery has inproved when I look back now, I would say ''girly problems'' having a vagina is high maintenance but well worth maintaining, its all part of being a woman, you'll be fine, this time next year you'll look back with no regrets, would I do it all again, absolutely YES! Take care and keep us updated, welcome to womanhood.
Pauline

[FairyGirl]

well meet someone who is totally satisfied with her surgery.    If you ask me is it perfect?  Hmmm... I'll answer, define perfect?  What is the perfect vagina?  Would I change anything?  I'm not sure that I would; it is part of my body and my soul now, and nothing in my life has ever been more important to me than this.  I have good depth, sensation all around, wonderful orgasms (though they took a while to re-discover), and I even slept with my boyfriend for 2 months before I told him and he never knew I wasn't born with it.  All the girlfriends I've shown my results to have been amazed.  And hey, that's the thing-  No two vaginae are the same, whether born or made.

Sure there are risks and dangers, and not all the surgeries are successful; there are complications.  I needed 6 units of blood after surgery, but it didn't really adversely affect my outcome.  You have to have realistic expectations.  As I said before, the psychological change is every bit as intense and significant, if not more so, than the physical change, and because that is not immediately evident it can come as a shock to some.   To me that is part of why we do it: for all the changes it yields, not just the physical ones.  That aspect is certainly something to consider and I did consider it, despite the fact I realize now that there is no way I could have known beforehand the actual extent of the differences it makes.   By the time my date rolled around, I was more than ready.

All things then considered,  you could not pay me all the money in the world to ever go back to that deformed body with that dangly birth defect.  If something had happened at the last minute to prevent surgery, yes I would have been brutally crushed.  But even if it were possible to go back,  I can say for certain that as I see it now I'd rather die first - and I mean that.  That's how much it means to me now on this side of the scalpel.  Part of the everlasting joy of it has been the fact that it is permanent and irreversible, mine forever more, and no one can ever take that away from me.

[Julie Marie]

Oh yeah, increase your weekly budget for toilet paper.  Not just after surgery, for life.

[AbraCadabra]

Ever heard of drip dry, hon :-)

It works for some, unless you have lots more issues with loose stool post-op?

That be new to me so far...

Axelle
PS: Though I'd have no issue with new budget item for panty-liners. Hey, one can not have it all, now can't one?

[annette]

Quote from Julie Marie:   That's a tough question because I don't know anyone who was totally satisfied after her GRS.

Hey, there is some good news, now you have met someone who is totally satisfied after grs..........me.
I wouldn't like to  miss my vagina even for a day and it's a very old one, back to '84 but it's still working properly.
Dutch manufacture from the old days but when I was examined by a doctor, I had tot tell that is was all because of plastic surgery, the doctor couldn't see the difference with a cis one when i  was having a cystoscopy for kidneystones.
I have had relationships with men and women, never had any complains from  my bed partners and I don't complain either.
Feeling is good, no problems with peeing no dribbling or leaking, what else can one wish.

So, totally satisfied

Hugs from a happy person
Annette

[Valeriedoeswcs]

I love my vagina!!!!

...and on Saturday night my date is going to love it too 

Hugs from another happy person

[annette]

You see, now you know two of them who are totally satisfied.
I think there are more, I invite them to post.
It will give Israchick some encouragement and make her less nervous for the SRS.

[AbraCadabra]

Well, to follow Annette's invitation, - I had a very GOOD experience at Phuket International Hospital [PIH] with Dr. Sanguan Kunaporn. At US$ 11k, the best treatment, service, AND ambience [yes, no typo] I ever had in a hospital to date and ALL inclusive, diltor set, post-op meds, doughnut cushion, etc.

Also, I am very satisfied with my results both visually and functionally. Dilating is not a big issue - apart from the very time it takes.

There seems a big difference with folks reporting dilating pains that may be based on the dilator-set step-up sizes alone!
Mine is in 1/16" steps, starting at 1".
Steps of 1/8" and starting at 1 1/8" will for certain be LOTS more 'uncomfortable' [speak painful], at least at the early post-op stages/months.

Regards,
Axelle

[Jamie Nicole]

SRS will affect your state of mental health, it will greatly improve.  but I warn you, after about 6 weeks or so, you may fall into a state of minor depression...meaning that all of a sudden your goal has been reached and there is a void.

SRS is a major surgery and you have every right to be concerned.  I'm a Saran girl so I cant really comment on Suporn.
the first week, your vagina wont look like a vagina at all due to the swelling (at least mine didnt), when my vaginal packing and catheter were removed and I looked, the first thought was some kind of camel toe or animal hoof!! lol
It's not as painful as you might think.  dont get me wrong, it's painful but tolerable.  I'm pretty sure that my post op medicine was plain tylenol.
1 day after surgery, I was up and walking around.....very minimal though, 1 or 2 trips up the hallway and back 2-3x each day. 
I was so excited when I left for Thailand, I didnt sleep for about 40 hours before and during the flight.