First steps?

[Kristin]

So, been thinking and thinking. I'm still living as a man. Have not yet sought counseling, etc. (partially since we're currently without health insurance).

But...the urge to be more open is there. So far, the only person who knows is my wife. She's been supportive, but she has as many questions as I do.

There are two members of an online group I'm a part of who have experiences that make me consider sharing confidentially with them (one is a Facebook friend who has transitioned FTM and the other somebody who has transitioned MTF).

I'm a bit scared, because to this point, I've done all of my online exploration as Kristin and have tried not to connect it at all to my legal name. So this would be the first time (other than to my wife) where it isn't anonymous.

I'm also a little frustrated that I lack the privileges to connect via PM here (how many posts does it take to get there), because I am interested in talking with others familiar with my work environment, without revealing much about that publicly. I understand the reasoning behind the limitation, but it's frustrating, because I'm an introvert and don't want to make posts I wouldn't otherwise make just to hit a quota mark.

Sigh. I feel so close to needing to "come out" to somebody...even if I'm being careful not to be somebody who I interact with at work or in my geographic community. And need to find some sort of community that's small enough for this introvert to get a grasp on but with some shared common experience to help not so much with advice but with commiseration, I guess...

I hate that this seems to take so much courage. I don't want all the struggle, but I don't want to continue the struggle of not being who everybody thinks I am, either.

[grrl1nside]

Hi Openheart;

I really feel for you because I suspect many of us share experiences similar to yours. I often find that I'm on the express route wanting to move fast and live in line with what should have been since birth. Then I feel the need to slow down in order to be sure that it isn't because there are other things in life that I want/need to change but don't have as much control over, then there are also the fears about how to bring wives and young children along, and the list could go on... Ultimately, I find sharing through the forums really help. Sometimes it is easier than others and I often find that I connect with what many write.

Personally, I don't worry about how many posts I write and at what speed. You will make connections with people over time and they will likely be the right people that you really want to have a long term friendship with rather than rushing to meet a message quota by responding to the threads you want to. In a way, you are coming out here. You will see people slowly adding pictures of themselves for instance in some of the threads about passing and so on. Take your time and you can slowly unfold and come out in whatever way works best for you. I think I prefer the slow release of a butterfly versus the jack-in-the-box approach to coming out, but to each their own. I can certainly appreciate the overwhelming need to connect and be out with someone somewhere. But as an introvert myself, I prefer to keep it to myself for the most part and make sure that I really feel comfortable when I am out.

Regardless, I wish you much peace in what sounds like a pretty intense time.

[JoanneB]

Have you tried searching for "local" support groups?

I know how hard it can be if you aren't near an sort of a major city. I drive 90 miles each way to my group. The next closest is well over 100 miles! I am true believer now. Finding the group and attending the meetings have been life changing in many many ways for me, extending far beyond dealing with the trans issues

[Kristin]

Personally, I don't worry about how many posts I write and at what speed. You will make connections with people over time and they will likely be the right people that you really want to have a long term friendship with rather than rushing to meet a message quota by responding to the threads you want to. In a way, you are coming out here. You will see people slowly adding pictures of themselves for instance in some of the threads about passing and so on. Take your time and you can slowly unfold and come out in whatever way works best for you. I think I prefer the slow release of a butterfly versus the jack-in-the-box approach to coming out, but to each their own. I can certainly appreciate the overwhelming need to connect and be out with someone somewhere. But as an introvert myself, I prefer to keep it to myself for the most part and make sure that I really feel comfortable when I am out.

Regardless, I wish you much peace in what sounds like a pretty intense time.

Thanks. I know I'm not ready to be out to the world yet. But I also am beginning to feel that, no matter how long I want to stuff this in the closet, the doors are going to start bulging out. So I'd better start preparing. And I'm glad to have some people to share with here, as well as in a couple of other online venues.

[Kristin]

Have you tried searching for "local" support groups?

I know how hard it can be if you aren't near an sort of a major city. I drive 90 miles each way to my group. The next closest is well over 100 miles! I am true believer now. Finding the group and attending the meetings have been life changing in many many ways for me, extending far beyond dealing with the trans issues

I know there's a group that meets within a city bus ride of here. I think, though, that it may be too close. Especially while I'm still in the closet to everybody but my wife. But the nearest city large enough to have another group would be about 100 miles. I just have never driven that far yet on my own. (I grew up in a small town, so didn't get my driver's license until last year, because I could walk everywhere until I moved here.)

I also can be anxious, especially with people I haven't met before, so that is scary on its own, even without the extra layer of figuring out who I am and how to more fully be who I'm discovering I already am. So I wonder if the "coming out to online friends" may be easier.

I'm just beginning to feel stuck, where I'm not moving forward...and feeling like it's time to push myself to get unstuck and move again, however slowly.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi openheart,

Let me just say you are doing a fabulous job, with such a huge task. I know how you are feeling like this.

I'm just beginning to feel stuck, where I'm not moving forward...and feeling like it's time to push myself to get unstuck and move again, however slowly.

And the beauty is you have answered your own question or need.

I know there's a group that meets within a city bus ride of here. I think, though, that it may be too close.

In fact it's not too close at all. It's just the right group to start your journey with. When you meet them, they are not going to blab it all around town. They have their own dignity to protect. You'll be pleasantly surprised how welcoming they'll be.

While you wait for your insurance and a therapist, this will be an excellent starting place for you.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[Kristin]

And the beauty is you have answered your own question or need.
In fact it's not too close at all. It's just the right group to start your journey with. When you meet them, they are not going to blab it all around town. They have their own dignity to protect. You'll be pleasantly surprised how welcoming they'll be.

True. I wonder if I need at least one experience elsewhere first...just to make me comfortable enough to actually go locally. I don't know.

I also know that my small-town background is influencing this and remembering that I don't live in a town of 7,000 any more and that it's extremely unlikely I'll be randomly seen by somebody I know going into whatever meeting location.

I don't know. And right now, work is getting busy (as it does this time of year)...and that plays with my head. And my wife and I each have relatives near death. Sometimes I wish life would stop for me while I figure this out.

[Catherine Sarah]

Congratulations Openheart,

You are continuing that fabulous job and staying on target. You are really going places, albeit small steps, but they are steps afterall.

OK. Lets get down to work, and focus on what's going to get you through this busy season, in one piece, so you and your wife can have an enjoyable Christmas.

True. I wonder if I need at least one experience elsewhere first...just to make me comfortable enough to actually go locally. I don't know.

Answer:   Definitely; NO!!      This one random experience will no doubt be in an uncontrolled space leaving you vulnerable to a bad experience, should anything go wrong. Robbing you of much needed confidence and self esteem.   This local group are going to be a tower of strength for you; one way or the other. The sooner you make contact, the sooner you will grow in confidence and self esteem.

I also know that my small-town background is influencing this and remembering that I don't live in a town of 7,000 any more and that it's extremely unlikely I'll be randomly seen by somebody I know going into whatever meeting location.

You are absolutely 1000% correct. And I did say 1000. It's EXTREMELY unlikely someone who knows you, will see you.

It's a know fact; that any two people in a crowd, travelling in opposing, oncoming directions , have a window of opportunity of less than 20 seconds to see and acknowledge one another.

And right now, work is getting busy (as it does this time of year)...and that plays with my head. And my wife and I each have relatives near death. Sometimes I wish life would stop for me while I figure this out.

OK!!   This is where we get to the business end of the stick.

1.) Life isn't going to stop, this time of year.
2.) There is a profound certainty as to when the next group meeting is. MAKE time. Find it and book it!!!
3.) There is a great UNCERTAINTY as to when you'll be required to be available for your relatives.
4.) Choose certainty, over uncertainty, to increase your confidence and self esteem during this period.

Anything other than the above, equates to procrastination.   The chances of you having to minister to your relatives at the same time your local group meets is astronomically large. Don't miss the opportunity to have a peaceful, tranquil and stressless Christmas.

Keep up the great job you are doing of moving forward. Hope you and your wife have a stress free Christmas.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[Kristin]

Answer:   Definitely; NO!!      This one random experience will no doubt be in an uncontrolled space leaving you vulnerable to a bad experience, should anything go wrong. Robbing you of much needed confidence and self esteem.   This local group are going to be a tower of strength for you; one way or the other. The sooner you make contact, the sooner you will grow in confidence and self esteem.

Ah, you misunderstand me. What I was considering was finding a similar group in another city. Break down some of the fears I have by removing some of them from the equation.

I've done the "random experience" thing once a number of years ago. It did not go well, but where I was living then, I don't think I knew of other options.

Anything other than the above, equates to procrastination.   The chances of you having to minister to your relatives at the same time your local group meets is astronomically large. Don't miss the opportunity to have a peaceful, tranquil and stressless Christmas.

Sometimes procrastination is a good thing. In my case, it's a busy time of year. Adding commitments to this time of year is a bad idea. I'm an introvert and I need my quiet time to recharge my batteries. It's a matter of balancing energy out and energy in, which is why at the same time is not the most important factor, in my mind.

I know I'll be anxious about attending. And that anxiety will stretch over a number of days beforehand. This isn't the time for that.

Small steps. This is a marathon, not a sprint. No sense falling flat on my face because I mix up the two. As long as there are steps in the right direction...that's the most important thing.

But I can be impatient.