some days i cry alot,
and plead to my god -
somedays i can smile,
and feel good and nod,
sometimes i just can't,
see past all the pain,
and Sometimes it feels,
like a long and dark rain...
some days, i know,
it can and will be alright,
some days can feel,
like the darkest of nights,
it always comes back to the core of my self,
and she knows that all of it can't stay on the shelf -
i'll just try my best to get thru with this day -
i might even be able,
to laugh, sing, and play -
(if i get out of my own way, and let myself work) -
instead of just acting,
like a bitchy pathetic jerk -
It can all come a crumbling - comes crumbling down -
when the feeling takes over, and flings me around -
and stomps crushing blows, my blood flows on the ground
i'm flipping i'm spinning i'm falling away - oh god how i wish i will make it today -
please help me find all the core of my self -
please help me take all the books,
back down from her shelf -
and read them and see them,
- and feel them complete -
oh - my God - all my heart -
i'm still tryin' to compete -
still fighting and loving,
and holding my course -
still riding, still loving,
and taming (and sometimes blaming) this horse -
got kicked out the saddle,
so long and so hard -
i almost forgot i still had all the cards -
silly me -
i still (sometimes) think i'm so blind -
still believe i cant find -
how completely stupid is that -
like a spoiled little brat -
but yet the core tells,
of swimming still deep in the hells -
...although pain is the catalyst,
i can love and accept this -
i must, i can, i will, and i have -
the warmth and joy of my living, in the moment,
can still be - must will be -
- IS - the salve...
still trying to answer the call of the bells -
just trying to relax and absorb the swimming in hells -
just slow down the breathing -
relax and just smile -
could be the pain's over -
in just a short while -
my little girl's calling and begging with me -
she's pleading and yelling and helping me see -
still wants to get all the way out of her box -
and still telling she's stronger, than all the hard knocks -
"i want you, i need you, let's be together, today" -
please come, please come dear love,
please come out and play...
in joy, in mercy, in light, - and reclaim -
reclaim all of our power, and let go of the blame...
sickeningly dark, the hell so can still be -
so dark and so painful - how can this all be -
so many steps behind me, so many yet still -
Can we please let the path, just come from the will ?
the will of the living, the dying, and ill,
the will to keep living - must go up that hill -
but then always then -
f---ing hell will explode -
the stinking hill's an illusion -
just another mirage -
a foul stinking extrusion -
and partly made up -
by some sick, cruel, and twisted dark part of myself -
the same one that placed (and hid)
all of her books on the shelf -
he/we/she tried so many times,
to slam the closetdoor shut locked,
tried so hard - to make the way back so implacably blocked -
and we/they/I tried to throw away all of the keys -
God bless those f--ked a-sholes and all of their sleaze -
I swear it, by God, and my own beautiful book,
i'll break through,
and claim her,
and bring her back home
and we'll finally get free -
and in the mirror i'll look -
and it's ME i will(i can already)see -
and limitlessly free,
together we'll roam -
together at last,
strengths combined,
and finally healed of the past -
please pardon the language - don't like it ? - f--k you...
all the anger and bullshi- -
I'M so com - plete - ly THROUGH !!!!
Please forgive all the curses,
complaining and such,
just today, like some days,
i am feeling so much -
and what else to do -
but finally -
...become
(what else could i be but ?)...
Joyfully,
somedays,
RENEWED...
ChefAnnagirl
