I'm clinging to this site like a life raft.

[Felix]

I don't know if this is the place to post this. Mods feel free to move it if you know a better subforum.

I need to spew some mawkishness, desperation, and prolixity. I came to this site for information and to talk to other trans people. People I knew in irl almost never had transness in common with me, and it was pointless and burdening to turn to them in many instances.

Now I'm struggling. There's a lot of good in my life, a lot of happiness, but also a lot of exhaustion and turmoil. No one supports me who isn't paid to (therapists and such) or is only doing it begrudgingly. If I were to get my diploma tomorrow, only my daughter would be there. Holidays are agony, because I have to be a good parent and make it fun and memorable. I pull it off. I really do. I can cook and plan, and I force myself to participate in social events frequently.

Combine normal rootlessness and lack of resources with being transgendered, and you've got a heavy and potentially volatile mix. I'm treading water and occasionally disappearing below the surface. I stay busy. I stay productive. I do good things for society when I can. But I never let anyone get close to me irl, and I'm not sure how they could anyway. My daughter is delusional and violent, and almost always with me. I have nothing. If someone were to break into my house, there's nothing they could sell, and nothing so personal or irreplaceable that I would care if they took it. My history is shattered and often unspeakable.

Eh. So yeah. If anyone else is getting more out of this site than entertainment and edification, know there's nothing wrong with that. I'm fairly high functioning, and I'm logging in sometimes just because things suck less when I'm here.

[Cindy]

Hi Felix,
I do feel for you. My wife is totally handicapped so I do know what it is like to dedicate yourself to caring for someone and the frustration that can and does develop. I was also a total loner. Something that has changed now I'm more 'me' every day, and starting to enjoy life and making friends, not just here but in every day life. And people are making friends with Cindy, not the lost soul that pretended to me a guy. But me. the real me.

It will happen to you as well. It already has, although in a subtle way and you may not be aware of it. You have friends who respect you and appreciate the problems you have, and who admire the fortitude, love and care that you have brought into the world and to this site.

You are an inspiration. People look up to you and feel better because of the difficulties you face and with the courage that you face them.

I cannot base this on facts, only from what people have told me in the past; when I have reached out needing some help and some comfort;  every time one of us posts of our despair and our problems and the horrors that we face, we help people on this site. We save lives. We help people cope and to not end their own suffering, because people like you can keep on going in the face of such pain. You inspire.

What do you gain from this site? What we all do, love, friendship, somewhere to cry, somewhere to laugh, somewhere to meet people who do understand. But you also give something to this site that is probably more important than what you gain.  You have given your love and your compassion.

You are a man that people are proud off. Someone that men emulate. Someone who shows what it is to be a man.

Hugs my friend. I'm always here for you. When the darkness draws in you can always pm me.

Love

Cindy

[heatherrose]

I would be willing to wager, there are literally a thousand individuals on this site
who have or are going through or are about to go through the same thing. Myself being #785
If they have half the fortitude that you do, they are happy or are going to be.
You will be and are an example, to all, of grace under pressure.
Don't think there aren't people watching how you are handling your quest.
You never know how you effect the lives of others, just by living your own.
Peace my brother.

[SandraJane]

Felix,

In the short time you've been here I've gotten to like you, big toothy grin 'n all ! But I believe there is an esence, presence...something that carries across the cyberworld of the person or place. Your still smiling in your avatar, you posted an update to a forgotten event article, your pushing on regardless. Susan's has become a life raft for me and others just as HeatherRose so aptly put it.

This weekend at the convention...make some new friends, enjoy yourself let your current "troubles" take the weekend off.

Cindy, I didn't know the burden you bare each day...

And HeatherRose, you're there with words of compassion for many...

Me, I just a smartass!

[heatherrose]

Cindy, I didn't know the burden you bare each day...

Speaking of grace under pressure....

HeatherRose, you're there with words of compassion for many...

Me, I just a smartass!

Many, being the key word.
There are some, I wouldn't pee on if they were on fire.

You're just catchin' me on a good day.
This being the season of the Scorpio
I sent my stinger out to be cleaned and tuned up.

[SandraJane]

You're just catchin' me on a good day.
This being the season of the Scorpio
I sent my stinger out to be cleaned and tuned up.

So you say...

[SandraJane]

Hi Felix!

[Felix]

Many many many thanks. I can't be eloquent right now in responding to responses, but I've read them over and over and they help me feel better and help me get my feet on the ground. So often I feel like I'm just spinning out into space, totally separate from fellow humans, charting a course that has no bearing on anything but absurdity. You're helping ground me.

Peace people. I need to say something more useful, but so late and with so much on my mind I can't yet.

Felix

[Felix]

Hi SandraJane! 

And heatherrose I find your comment about getting your stinger cleaned and tuned up both suggestive and poetic. I seriously doubt I'm the only one. xD

[heatherrose]

Hi Felix!

Ditto, Kiddo.

^{It is 1:25 am here, eventhough it is Friday night
and I am still sober-ish, it is time for me to climb the ladder to La-La Land.}

[spacial]

Hey Felix.

You're feeling a bit down right now. That's OK.

Later, when you perk up a bit, you can remember that we all get back what we put in. It's really unfair but as far as I know, life has always been like that.

If your daughter is about to arrive, that won't be making you feel particularly positive. Don't know her history, of course, but I'm sure we can all understand how much devotion you have for her.

Good luck.

[justmeinoz]

Hi Felix. 
It sounds like you are actually well on the way with your transition. 

It seems like you have got  the attitude of keeping on regardless, that they tried to get me to assume when I was trying to be a guy.  You are doing the hard yards, but not giving up. Having a child who needs support is another layer on top of the rest.  You sound like a patient and loving father.  It's hard, but being able to vent here will help.

You have a lot of brothers here standing by your side and giving their sort of support, and a lot of sisters to give you a virtual hug.

Karen.

[JulieC.]

My father used to always say to me "nobody said this was going to be easy" (not about transition but about everything).  He was a man of few words...not many encouraging, and most made no sense to me until later in life.  That could be a tread on it's own.  To get back to the point...You do inspire other people by being yourself.  Even those who may not support you can admire your courage, strength, and determination.  There are a lot of us that view this forum as a lift raft.  One place to find some understanding and support.  You give that to us as much as we give that to you. 
I would add this.  You seem to be much closer to achieving something that I know I will never accomplish.  So as bad as your life may seem at times it's a beautiful thing.  And even though you have nothing worth stealing there are still a lot of folks that envy what you do have and have accomplished.

[Keaira]

Hi Felix,

It certainly looks like you've been toughing things out. But don't forget that the #1 supporter you could ever have is your Daughter. She might not see the struggles you face yet. But she will one day and she will see that you are a man with an indomitable will to follow his heart and live life as true to himself as possible. So when you feel down, just think of all the good times and wonderful memories you have made with your child. No one can steal those treasures from you.

In the meantime, come by Susans and tell us your stories, happy or sad. We're open 24/7, advice and hugs are given freely. but don't ever feel you don't have support dear. You have us in your corner, an extended bunch of dysfunctional misfits that understand what it's like to be different.

*hugs*

[Torhture]

Okay, so, I know you don't really know me... because I just sort of arrived here fully like, a week ago... maybe. But. I do have to say, I've been watching your posts on the FTM board. I used to think I was the only FTM who liked males. I mean, going so far as to really, truly, dislike females. There is nothing about the female body I find sexy... at all. But, everysingle FTM I knew, was attracted, at least partially, to women. They were their first choice... but seeing you talking about being gay... God, it helped me so much. And, I know it might be kind of creepy to hear, because I haven't really posted all that much... but yeah.

I know how you feel. I'm actually pretty scared to come out to my mom. After I came out to my husband, he got really, really poessive and jealous and tried to cut me off from my friends, family, and my support groups (okay, so Susan's). I left him, and now I live with my mom again, sometimes I feel like I'm in a dead end. I am planning on seeking out a therapist as soon as my life calms down a bit from the move and the divorce, though sometimes I think it would just be better to force some time and do it that way. But yes. So anyway.

My point here is that you're not alone, much like I thought I was, much like I don't really have any friends around here who can understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling (I work in a call center... my 'cubby buddy' is extremely homophobic... and I feel that if I told him I were trans, he would go a bit off the deep end and I would fear for my life around him)... but this community, no matter how 'online' it is... is there for me, even if I don't post, even if I don't really make myself known.

And... I think I was rambling again. ->-bleeped-<-. Reading this over, I hope it doesn't sound like.... yeah -.- If you ever need to talk, -nods- That's really what I wanted to say... if you ever need to talk, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on... I'd be more then willing to be that shoulder. Even though I don't really know you... even though you don't really know me... even though we're probably thousands of miles apart... it's okay, because what we go through every day will bring us closer then living in the same house.

- Talon

[heatherrose]

Felix,

Don't think there aren't people watching how you are handling your quest.
You never know how you effect the lives of others, just by living your own.

I've been watching your posts on the FTM board.

I know you don't really know me...

This is precisely the point I was trying to convey to you.

I know how you feel.

I used to think I was the only FTM who liked males ...

God, it helped me so much.

...sometimes I feel like I'm in a dead end.

My point here is that you're not alone, much like I thought I was,
Even though I don't really know you... even though you don't really know me...
even though we're probably thousands of miles apart...
it's okay, because what we go through every day will bring us closer then living in the same house.

If you ever need to talk, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on...
I'd be more then willing to be that shoulder.
this community, no matter how 'online' it is...
is there for me, even if I don't post, even if I don't really make myself known.

Torhture,

This is deja vu, all over again, for 99% of those of us registered on this site.
It is the reason we all are "clinging to this site like a life raft"

Welcome to Susan's.

A delightful diversion, for a spot of tea
and visit with the Hatter and White Rabbit
on our descent into the Rabbit Hole. 

[Felix]

Warmest thanks to all of you. I was afraid to post that stuff. Last night I was so anxious and sad, feeling so outcast and defective. I feel a lot better now.

You know what I did, though? I got on my bike for the first time in years (ankle surgeries got in the way before), and I just rode around for hours. It was so good to just stop thinking, to focus on physicality and street lights and stars. Hurt like hell and made me sleep deprived for the trans conference, but it was cathartic and maybe important.

I want to emphasize that I do love my daughter. The reason I don't talk about her much here is that elsewhere she's almost always the topic. She'll be home from medical respite tomorrow afternoon. We'll try on our costumes and light the pumpkin.

Thanks again, people, and happy saturday.  I'm off to bounce around the other threads a bit.

[Devlyn]

You ever see when a kid drops a Gummie Bear on the sidewalk, and there's a big circle of those tiny brown ants around it? Susans is that Gummie Bear, and it's nice to know you, brother ant! Hugs, Tracey

[Felix]

Ants are eusocial. Yup. Learned that fancy word in college. Ant colonies are also a good example of an emergent system. One time when I lived in Texas our backyard flooded and I went swimming and accidentally swam into a patch of floating fire ants. I got stung head to toe. Such huge anthills there.

Lol there's my bit of free-association. I was just going to say I think sugar ants are lucky, but I aced those exams and if I don't regurgitate the knowledge once in awhile I have to consider that those thousands of dollars tuition were kinda pointless. 

[SandraJane]

One time when I lived in Texas our backyard flooded and I went swimming and accidentally swam into a patch of floating fire ants. I got stung head to toe. Such huge anthills there.

Yeow! I live in Texas and those Fire Ants are HELL! I remember the first time I got stung by a Fire Ant, we just moved from West Virginia, didn't have them there. Swimming in the backyard after it rained...must've been in Houston! We would go swimming in the front yard before they installed underground drainage in the neighborhood I lived in there.