My family

[emostache69]

hey its alex... i'm seriously considering being ftm. i've wanted to be a boy since i was little and when i found out about ftm's i immediently found an answer to my problems. I've wanted to transition for about 4 years now and there has been alot of stress in my family recently and everyone has been comming out about their true feelings on things. I started going to therapy and i went for a month and i talked alot about problems with my dad (he was forcing me to wear girly cloths and he insisted that i was fat even though the doctor said i'm at a perfectly healthy weight) and i also told her about me being genderqueer and that i'm a lesbian and i havnt come out to any of that to anyone yet. a few weeks later i came out to my mom, dad, and step dad about being bi (dont want to tell them i'm full lez yet). they took it ok... so i figured that maybe i could come out to them as genderqueer... BIG MISTAKE!
      I told my mom in therapy and she wouldnt accept it and even pulled me out of therapy (which was actually helping me) and she forced me to tell my stepdad, and he wouldnt accept it either. after about 2 weeks of crying my eyes out every night knowing that i was loosing my family i went out w/ my friends in full out crossdress... they called me by alex (not my real name btw) and by male pronouns, i wore all guys cloths (even boxers) and binded my chest w/a tight bra. i was so happy to be accepted as a guy and it all felt so natural... but i didnt tell my parents.
     and now... a few days ago my mom brought me to my grandmothers house to have an intervention... they had some good points i will admit and they said they cared about my future, but they kept pulling the guilt trip... they told me that i was their only reason for living, that they'd do anything for me, and that if i went ftm then they would kill themselves...
    now my mom is going to go for therapy... and its all my fault... but the thing is, she never once cared about me until now... i would sit and my room and cry sometimes and she would care... but now this is threatening her way of raising me and as she said, "i would be seen as a bad parent"
   recently i've been more depressed then i've ever been and i feel like nothing could cheer me up... i've been thinking very suicidal recently bc of this and i feel so traped... i want to be happy for myself and change my gender, but at the same time i want to make them happy and proud of me... but a lifetime of depression is more then i could ever handle... i dont know what to do anymore and i kno that at the rate i'm going at i'll be dead by my senior year... please give me some advice here...

---alex 

[Lee]

Hey Alex, I can only imagine how hard it would be to battle with your family like that. 

It can be hard for other people to understand where we're coming from.  If they are willing to have a calm discussion about it then you could prepare information about the medical side of being transgendered and examples of other people talking about their dysphoria.  If they are not willing to do this, it might help to let things cool off for a bit before approaching the subject again.  Please be careful if there is any chance of it ending up in a violent situation or with you being kicked out. 

Have you tried talking to a school counselor?  They may be able to suggest ways to approach transitioning and work with your family.  There also may be a GSA club or LGBT youth group near you which would be able to provide support.

It certainly isn't unheard of for families to come around after reacting badly initially.  I hope this will be true in your case.  Good luck, and let us know if we can help.

Edit:  Please remember that how your family is handling this is NOT your fault.  People cope in different ways, and we have very little control over that.  All we can do is support each other and hope that other people will return the favor.

[Cindy]

I'm locking the topic as there is doubt on who the poster is. It will be reviewed by senior staff ASAP

[emostache69]

thanks alot guys, the advice means alot and i will be sure to use it. 
i will reaproach my mom after she has started therapy and starts getting positive results. i will bring it on slow and i wont force anything. and if they dont accept me then thats too bad for them i guess.

[spacial]

Hi Alex.

So pleased you' are find the suport here useful.

May I suggest that your family and especially your mother sounds particularly self obscessed?

and now... a few days ago my mom brought me to my grandmothers house to have an intervention... they had some good points i will admit and they said they cared about my future, but they kept pulling the guilt trip... they told me that i was their only reason for living, that they'd do anything for me, and that if i went ftm then they would kill themselves...

  now my mom is going to go for therapy... and its all my fault...[/b] but the thing is, she never once cared about me until now... i would sit and my room and cry sometimes and she would care... but now this is threatening her way of raising me and as she said, "i would be seen as a bad parent"
   recently i've been more depressed then i've ever been and i feel like nothing could cheer me up... i've been thinking very suicidal recently bc of this and i feel so traped... i want to be happy for myself and change my gender, but at the same time i want to make them happy and proud of me... but a lifetime of depression is more then i could ever handle... i dont know what to do anymore and i kno that at the rate i'm going at i'll be dead by my senior year... please give me some advice here...

---alex 

It's going to be a problem for you in as much as you have grown up in this environment. But it is essential that you are aware of this. But do try to be positive. This is how some people are. It can get irksum. Problems become currency and the one with the biggest problems gets the attention.

These are very self obscessed, attention seeking statements. They are actually a grown up version of the toddler who hold its breath or screems and stamps when it can't get its own way.

But you have friends, so that indicates you have a large measure of stability and self awareness.

So, be patent with your mother. Be aware that it is all about her, no matter what you do. It will be really easy to fall into the habit of looking at everything she does as yet more evidence of her self obscession. But if you think about it, doing that is just you becoming obscessed about yourself. And she is your mother.

But you don't owe her or anyone else, your life. I'm not sure what age you are, not how independant you are. But clearly there is little to be gained from sacrificing support before you are ready.

In short. Remember who you are. The best you can be. Remember that your mother is just being who she is, however annoying that is, and it is. Sadly, for you, your emotional and intellectual maturity has gone past theirs. That means treading a shakey path for a while as you deal with people who are essentially children, but who retain the power to cut you off.

For the record, they won't kill themselves or harm themselves in any way. They think they are too important to do that. But I have a feeling you know that anyway.