What if's and why's of staying or not staying from the TS's point of view

[togetherwecan]

There have been a lot of threads about relationships and as an SO I see a lot of our why's and why not's of staying....I am curious why a TS person stays with their SO before, during and after transition. I am looking for multiple scenario answers. In other words...let's say a TS person reveals their secret to their SO, the SO is unhappy but willing to try for the marriage and/or childrens sake, or the SO is ok with the whole thing, or the SO is ok with portions of the transition like dressing etc but not hrt or srs, or the SO is willing to go with the flow but the relationship moves to merely friendship and not more? What kind of relationships do these become? Does having children make a difference? Is a friendship enough for the marriage? What if the SO meets and finds someone new during these times? What if the TS meets and finds someone new during these times? What makes a TS person decide to stay or decide to go?
Lots of questions I know....

[Dryad]

I think it depends on love and sexuality.
A bi- or pansexual SO would have no problems with their partner transitioning, I think, because.. Well, gender really isn't the issue, right?
Thinking about that.. The entire marriage seems to rest on sexuality... Of both partners, mind. I mean; after transitioning, sometimes one's sexual preference seems to change.
But if this preference is not important for either partner, than love can keep a marriage together.

All in all; sex, meaning gender, is just plumbing, for all I'm concerned. But love is love. Then again; I'm pansexual with only a preference for females over anything else. I wouldn't let gender ruin my love-life, though. (Or my sex life)

[togetherwecan]

I think it depends on love and sexuality.
A bi- or pansexual SO would have no problems with their partner transitioning, I think, because.. Well, gender really isn't the issue, right?
Thinking about that.. The entire marriage seems to rest on sexuality... Of both partners, mind. I mean; after transitioning, sometimes one's sexual preference seems to change.
But if this preference is not important for either partner, than love can keep a marriage together.

All in all; sex, meaning gender, is just plumbing, for all I'm concerned. But love is love. Then again; I'm pansexual with only a preference for females over anything else. I wouldn't let gender ruin my love-life, though. (Or my sex life)

what if the TS is a TG and the SO is not B or L? What if the TS is a TM and the SO is not B or G? Again this is an SO that may be supportive to an extent but has boundaries...what is acceptable? What is not? Would you compromise where you want to go with transition for an SO? When is it time for the TS person to say "no" vrs it be the SO saying "no"? I seem to see more stories of SO's leaving then the other way around...regardless of the scenarios.

[Sarah Louise]

It takes both parties agreement to stay together.

I don't think it is necessarily easy for either side. 

If the wife does not want to be a "lesbian" that is a problem, if the wife is a Christian, she will have trouble with this.  It takes more than love and or friendship to stay together, it takes understanding and willingness to make concessions on both sides.

It isn't easy for the transitioning person either, they have conflicting and changing emotions also.

Obviously my statesments come from the side of Male to Female, I can't speak to Female to Male marital problems.

Sarah L.

[Melissa]

For me, transsexualism tainted my marriage from the beginning.  I did not deal with the problem (or even recognize it as a problem that could be treated), instead I repressed it.  As a result, I was constantly isolating myself and very irritable and all that did was cause hurt to my wife and kids.  It was pretty much over before it began.  Transition was more of a catalyst that gave my wife a reason to end it.  Also, she was bisexual, but not pansexual and therefore was not attracted to me in an "in-between" state.  She already has a fiancee and I am happy being out of the marriage.  I made a terrible husband and father, but I think I'll make a wonderful wife and mother.

The other thing is because my GID was so severe, going slowly was not an option and therefore my inability to make sacrifices only further served to end the marriage.

Melissa

[rhonda13000]

For me, transsexualism tainted my marriage from the beginning.  I did not deal with the problem (or even recognize it as a problem that could be treated), instead I repressed it.  As a result, I was constantly isolating myself and very irritable and all that did was cause hurt to my wife and kids.  It was pretty much over before it began.  Transition was more of a catalyst that gave my wife a reason to end it.  Also, she was bisexual, but not pansexual and therefore was not attracted to me in an "in-between" state.  She already has a fiancee and I am happy being out of the marriage.  I made a terrible husband and father, but I think I'll make a wonderful wife and mother.

The other thing is because my GID was so severe, going slowly was not an option and therefore my inability to make sacrifices only further served to end the marriage.

Melissa

I shouldn't have read this; I am just beginning my workday and now I feel like crying again....

I did not know this about you, girl and it is interesting how strongly it is resonating with me.

My LORD, Melissa....!

With my love, sweetie.

With my love.

Rhonda

[Dryad]

what if the TS is a TG and the SO is not B or L? What if the TS is a TM and the SO is not B or G? Again this is an SO that may be supportive to an extent but has boundaries...what is acceptable? What is not? Would you compromise where you want to go with transition for an SO? When is it time for the TS person to say "no" vrs it be the SO saying "no"? I seem to see more stories of SO's leaving then the other way around...regardless of the scenarios.

Well.. People are born Transexual, right? Born transgender. Think of it like that.
The person you love is really a woman, and has allways been, even though she's in a male body. Now, a body is just that, really: A functioning machine. One with the wrong mainfraime computer. A body with the wrong brain, or a brain with the wrong body. Either way; it's the brain that makes the person tick. The rest of the body is just there for being handy, and generally making sure the brain can do it's job of living.
So.. Haven't you been in love with a woman, then, all this time? Even though she's in a male body, doesn't the simple fact that she's transgendered mean it was a 'lesbian' relationship from the very beginning?

This is just looking at it from the other end, though. There's two sides on the medallion; two sides on the coin. But did you fall in love with who your mate is, or with what shape your mate looked? Did you love the present, or was it the wrapping paper you loved? This may sound harsh and lecturing; I know it does. Just know that it's not meant that way; English isn't quite what one'd call my native tongue, so I'm at a loss where subtlety is involved. I'm merely trying to hold up a mirror; to show a different angle to the same picture.

[togetherwecan]

what if the TS is a TG and the SO is not B or L? What if the TS is a TM and the SO is not B or G? Again this is an SO that may be supportive to an extent but has boundaries...what is acceptable? What is not? Would you compromise where you want to go with transition for an SO? When is it time for the TS person to say "no" vrs it be the SO saying "no"? I seem to see more stories of SO's leaving then the other way around...regardless of the scenarios.

Well.. People are born Transexual, right? Born transgender. Think of it like that.
The person you love is really a woman, and has allways been, even though she's in a male body. Now, a body is just that, really: A functioning machine. One with the wrong mainfraime computer. A body with the wrong brain, or a brain with the wrong body. Either way; it's the brain that makes the person tick. The rest of the body is just there for being handy, and generally making sure the brain can do it's job of living.
So.. Haven't you been in love with a woman, then, all this time? Even though she's in a male body, doesn't the simple fact that she's transgendered mean it was a 'lesbian' relationship from the very beginning?

This is just looking at it from the other end, though. There's two sides on the medallion; two sides on the coin. But did you fall in love with who your mate is, or with what shape your mate looked? Did you love the present, or was it the wrapping paper you loved? This may sound harsh and lecturing; I know it does. Just know that it's not meant that way; English isn't quite what one'd call my native tongue, so I'm at a loss where subtlety is involved. I'm merely trying to hold up a mirror; to show a different angle to the same picture.

Dryad, I appreciate what you are saying and agree however you are not actually addressing what I am asking. I asked for a TS perspective on why THEY the TS person would leave....not why an SO would leave. And FWIW, I as an SO am totally fine and happy with my TGirl so lecture unnecessary lol.

[Dryad]

*Blushes* Well, I wasn't particularly aiming at making my lack of proficiency with English thát obvious...

But I think the answer lies partly in:

Again this is an SO that may be supportive to an extent but has boundaries...what is acceptable? What is not? Would you compromise...

See, if you'd have to compromise by not being in the body you feel well in... If there are boundaries... Well, I could imagine you'd walk away..
If I were born without a right leg, and I really needed that leg to feel complete, but my SO wouldn't like the entire leg attached, and it was possible for me to get that leg, yet my SO doesn't want to go there, and so I would be forced to choose between her, and a peg leg, and a real leg... Well, that would pose a problem, right?
I'm sorry if it isn't clear, and excuse me if I again missed the point...
*blushes*

[Melissa]

I shouldn't have read this; I am just beginning my workday and now I feel like crying again....

I did not know this about you, girl and it is interesting how strongly it is resonating with me.

My LORD, Melissa....!

With my love, sweetie.

With my love.

Rhonda

Thank you Rhonda. *Hugs*  Sometimes it feels like you are walking a fine line between transition and suicide, but I'm sure you already know that.

Melissa

[LostInTime]

I split with someone who I loved deeply and still do love although we no longer speak to one another.

I knew that I was going to go through some really tough situations and I thought it was unfair to put her through that.  She kept saying that she did not care, that she loved me for who I am, even when I stated that I had no idea where my sexuality was headed.  Breaking it off with her was THE toughest thing I have ever done in my life.

I made the right decision.  My path took me to places that she could never imagine and often it has been dangerous just to be around me.

In the end, it was the right decision to make.  She has a family now and I have a career that I never would have gone into were we still together.

[Kate]

I asked for a TS perspective on why THEY the TS person would leave....

To fulfill an increasingly desperate need for physical affection (not necessarily sex): to be touched, held, to have someone WANT to touch me and do these things and to not feel like a gross, mutant outcast?

Being platonic (aka no touching) friends is great and all, but... I *need* more. I try to not think about it, but there are days when my mind goes crazy trying to think of someone to run to, somewhere to go, someway to just FEEL physical affection... a held hand, a hug, a reassuring touch on the arm... and I come up empty, and start panicking, and... loop, repeat.

This cannot go on forever. I'm just not that tough.

Kate

[rhonda13000]

I asked for a TS perspective on why THEY the TS person would leave....

To fulfill an increasingly desperate need for physical affection (not necessarily sex): to be touched, held, to have someone WANT to touch me and do these things and to not feel like a gross, mutant outcast?

Being platonic (aka no touching) friends is great and all, but... I *need* more. I try to not think about it, but there are days when my mind goes crazy trying to think of someone to run to, somewhere to go, someway to just FEEL physical affection... a held hand, a hug, a reassuring touch on the arm... and I come up empty, and start panicking, and... loop, repeat.

This cannot go on forever. I'm just not that tough.

Kate

(longing. so much longing...)

Amazing. I am now feeling exactly like you are, right now.

And it is driving me to considering solutions which I never would have considered in the past.

And if this worsens and it does appear as though it is indeed, I will probably seek out....

Is it so much to ask? To be held, caressed, to be loved, to be intimate with [and not necessarily sex although I am craving this]?

I do believe that the proverbial clock is ticking, relative to this.

You know.......

[Dennis]

I wanted to leave my relationship. I wanted to before I knew I was transitioning. It was very dysfunctional. Friends have characterized it as abusive. I don't know how much my gender identity issues had with my ex's anger toward me. It could have been entirely unconscious on my part. Certainly she said on a number of occasions that being married to me wasn't that different from being married to her ex-husband. And that would be in a negative way she said that. Before I transitioned or thought about it. Transition provided me with a graceful exit that would not have been possible otherwise.

Had I been in a good relationship with a supportive partner, if she had agreed to stay, I would have jumped at the chance and worked out the issues as we went. I think that would have been very hard work, and in some ways I'm glad the choice was easy for me. Transition itself is hard work and very self-focussed. It would be hard on any relationship and hard for a trans partner to remember to keep focussing on the relationship and the partner.

Dennis

[Omika]

Christ, I don't know why this is getting to me so badly.  Tears just thinking about lost love...  it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, giving her up.

I guess I wrap myself in this blanket of compassion and caring and wanting-to-help-the-world so tightly so I don't have to think about the past.  I lost the most incredible relationships of my life because of my condition.  She remains one of the most beautiful, generous, amazing women I've ever met, and we made music together, even if I was always slightly out of tune.  The harmony seemed perfect, but it wasn't, and it was always because I was a violinist at heart, trying to be her cello.  I enjoyed the music, as did she, but we both knew that it was her instrument I was born for.

Unfortunately for both of us, her song requires a bass melody that my spirit can't provide. 

I imagine it's like this for everyone in the TS situation.  The relationship is always doomed from the start, because a band member is wanting to switch instruments.  You can't have your bassist suddenly go, "Hey man, I've always wanted to play lead guitar.  I'm not playing bass anymore."  What does the band do?  Well, you can all still be friends, and maybe even jam together sometime (if you're lucky), but chances are they still need a bassist, and don't need another lead guitar.

That analogy is the best I can do for you.  I hope it helps.

~ Blair

[taru]

Actually some relationships (seems rare) don't end with transitioning.

With a liberal and bisexual partner things can work out. In my case it helped that I didn't play a normal male role even before transitioning so the changes are much more gradual.

[togetherwecan]

Actually some relationships (seems rare) don't end with transitioning.

With a liberal and bisexual partner things can work out. In my case it helped that I didn't play a normal male role even before transitioning so the changes are much more gradual.

do you mean transistion didn't happen for the TS individual? And if not...why?

[taru]

Actually I am transitioning. Just that I wasn't in a traditional male role even before transitioning, so the changes are smaller than for someone who tried to play a male role in the relationship before transitioning.

[LynnER]

For me it was wierd....

When I came out to my ex fience, She had something that was tearing her appart that she was going to tell me... but it was forgotton the moment I became truthful...  This was two months into the relationship...  She was going to break up with me... 

I came out and our relationship grew enomously *Go figure* and lasted around two years... she even proposed to me asking me to be HER wife...  Those were wonderful times, allot of learning and exploration for the both of us...  She had allways told me she loved women but couldnt stand to be in a relationship with one due to there emotional tides.... Suppriseingly that not the main cause of what split us up. Were not together now, someone came between us and poisoned her thoughts towards me then took her for everything she had <and part of what I had given her>....  Its really strange... were still friends even after the total HELL of the breakup...  Even stranger is her trying to win me back...  and that drives me nuts...  I still have feelings for her but at the same time my prefrence in partner has changed and I dont think it would be fair to get back together...  *shrugs*

[Sheila]

For one thing, you need to love this person. I mean really love them and I don't mean sexual gratification. You have to be their best friend in life. You mention what if they find someone else? I ask you, why were you looking in the first place? Is sex what you want out of your relationship? I feel that if you really love someone and you want sex, you will find a way of giving pleasure to your spouse. I think there are ways of having sex other than the penis goes into the vagina. If that is going to break your marriage then you don't have one to begin with. I love my wife and she loves me. We are older and I guess sex doesn't matter that much to us. It wasn't a focal point in our relationship anyway. We love doing things together, we love to talk to each other, we like to wake up in the same bed together with our arms around each other. We do little things for each other, we are always doing something for the other person as they aren't the other person they are an extension of us and I am of her. We share everything, money to tears. It isn't mine it is ours. I fell in love with this person, not GG, but this flesh and blood person. She has a soul, heart and a brain. She is a person who I love very much and she has said the same to me. I am rare though, not too many people think the way I do and it is obvious as a lot of people have gotten divorced and not because they are TS, but because they fooled around or they couldn't get along with each other and not because they were TS as most of the people I know who got divorced are heterosexuals. "Normal" people.
Sheila