Doubts about therapist

[JohnAlex]

So the first therapist I saw unfortunately didn't know anything about being trans.  but he did help me find someone who does.

So I just had my first meeting with this new guy.  and I don't know if I liked what he had to tell me.  but maybe I just need perspective.


Firstly, I feel bad that I didn't know I was trans ever since I was a little kid.  I only really knew what "transsexual" meant when I was like 17.  And I didn't know for sure that that was what I was until I was 19.  So, I don't feel very convincing.  And I've heard stories from people who see therapist and the therapist agrees to write the letter on the first appointment (not that they write on the first appointment, but like a promise that they will).
And well, this guy, he wants me to see him for a minimum of 6 months.  And now he's talking about making it longer.
He also wants to make sure that I have a good support system, but I come from the most unaccepting family ever.  And he already told me that he won't write a letter for me until I come out to my whole family, which I think is unfair. because they're very unaccepting and I plan to go far away to college next fall so I don't have to deal with them.

So, I do I have the wrong perspective on this?  Is this how it should go? 
Basically,
How do you know when a therapist is stringing you along?  Or when he really is just doing his job the best he can?


Maybe it's just me and my lack of confidence, but he really is (unintentionally) making me feel bad for being such an unconvincing transgender.  I just feel like I can't defend my being transgender.  which just makes me feel bad.  I hate having people not believe me.

[wheat thins are delicious]

To be honest it sounds like he is gate-keeping.  I would look for another therapist but also ask people who've seen him and see if this sounds familiar to them.  But definitely find another therapist.  There is no reason you should be forced to come out to your whole family.

[driven]

If you live near any reasonably-sized city, you might be able to find an informed consent clinic instead of going through all that BS. Check with your local Planned Parenthood, if you have one. If they offer TG services, you'll be able to get on T in a couple of weeks. It's also cheap as hell. I paid $19 for a blood test and chose to donate $25 for the visit, but it wasn't mandatory.

And this isn't usually mentioned when people talk about informed consent clinics, but they do have you sit down with a social worker or doctor before handing you a prescription. There's still a chance to talk things through and make sure you really want to go on hormones.

[nickm1492]

I understand where he is coming from with the whole family thing. But at the end of the day, it really isn't their business unless you want it to be. Anyway, I know I'm probably not gonna be much help but if you can't find another therapist to help you. Then maybe just wait until you go away for school. I know my university offers free psychological services and I'm sure that I could start my transition if I went to them. (Though I've been crazy busy and stressed so I just haven't had the time.) Like I said, if he is just stringing you along, maybe just wait until you go to school and see a counselor/therapist there. Most universities do offer these services I believe.

[Sharky]

I would find a new therpist or tell this one whatever he needed to hear to get me what I want.

[mm]

Most universities have good counseling departments and some have therapists experienced with trans guys.  I started transitioning after I started school so many know my history here at school.  It would have great to have been able to start as a guy.

[Ayden]

Never, ever feel like you are not trans enough! Only you can know how you feel. That being said, if your therapist makes you feel this way, find a new one. You should never feel like your experiences are not valid because you didn't know about yourself until later.

As for getting a therapist at school, I will say that it can depend on the school you go to and how close it is to a big city or whether it is in a big city. I live in a very small town. My University has about 10,000 students total and only about 6,000 actually living on the campus or in the same town. (we have a lot of students in rural areas). I went to see the therapist here at my school, and the services are free for students. In my experience, (granted, I only talked to a few therapists when I was younger about my issues) the therapists here have been more than kind and accepting. The lady I met with yesterday told me flat out that if she had the power, she would have given me a letter to start T. Since she cannot, she helped me to find therapists that 1.) offer services for transfolks in the closest city, and 2.) gave me information on therapists that offer their services long distance and are willing to work with local doctors to get me started. In a lot of ways, I feel like the transition process is easier in higher education. I didn't even know that we had trans faculty on this campus, and I worried that my transition would take away my dream of teaching at a University one day. But, thanks to her I feel much less anxiety over it now.

I don't think you should ever lie to a therapist, because one that is worth their weight in anything is there to help you. That being said, I do think that being firm is important. They are trained to try and find out all possible causes for issues, whether they are depression/anxiety/relationship/identity/insert whatever here.

So yes, I guess that whole thing was the sum up this: if your therapist is not helping you, or is making you feel like you have to earn the right to be who you are, get a new one. They are supposed to be there to help you, not try and convince you that you are something you are not. As for therapists at uni settings, I have had nothing but positive experiences. My therapist on campus is a wonderful lady, and she was more than happy to offer help, and a teddy bear when I broke down in tears. If you ever end up in Alaska as a student, I can give you the name of at least one awesome therapist.

[Ayden]

Oh, I forget to answer the questions! Silly boy.

How do you know if a therapist is stringing you along or actually doing their job? Easy. If they are doing their job, they will be supportive, kind, and express an interest in your end goals and in your journey to become yourself. I have heard horror stories about therapists that deal with other things, like relationship counselling, that actually harmed the relationship in order to keep getting money.

If you walk out feeling nothing but doubt, frustration, and depression that will be your first clue.

[JohnAlex]

Alright, I wanted to say thanks to everyone for their replies!  It makes me feel better and like I do have the right perspective on this.  I think next time I see him (in three weeks), I will bring this up to him, and see what he says.  and I will let him know that it is always an option in the back of my mind to go find another therapist.

[Guantanamera]

Alright, I wanted to say thanks to everyone for their replies!  It makes me feel better and like I do have the right perspective on this.  I think next time I see him (in three weeks), I will bring this up to him, and see what he says.  and I will let him know that it is always an option in the back of my mind to go find another therapist.

Fantastic! The first step in defeating the gate keepers is to be defeated yourself.

If it would help, you could find the WPATH standards of care online and read them for yourself so that you'll know exactly what is recommended before beginning HRT. This might help you assert your right to reasonable access as well as to leverage yourself and let your shrink know the correct boundaries of vosotros relationship.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

this is hard to answer, but you should be upfront about it if you feel he is stringing you along.

[Arch]

JohnAlex, are you investigating the trans health care options at the colleges you're applying to? Don't assume that you'll get what you need there.

You seem pretty young, so I'm not surprised that the therapist wants to see you for at least six months, especially if it's less often than once a week (is it?).

If you plan to have no dealings with your family after you go away to college, then I don't see any reason to come out to them. If you plan to have them in your life, that might be different. We all handle our coming out in our own way, and you should be able to do the same without pressure from your therapist. On the other hand, if you do want your family in your life, have you thought about how you want to handle the trans issue?

[JohnAlex]

JohnAlex, are you investigating the trans health care options at the colleges you're applying to? Don't assume that you'll get what you need there.

You seem pretty young, so I'm not surprised that the therapist wants to see you for at least six months, especially if it's less often than once a week (is it?).

If you plan to have no dealings with your family after you go away to college, then I don't see any reason to come out to them. If you plan to have them in your life, that might be different. We all handle our coming out in our own way, and you should be able to do the same without pressure from your therapist. On the other hand, if you do want your family in your life, have you thought about how you want to handle the trans issue?

I don't know why people brought up the college and health care thing.  It's completely not an issue for me.  My insurance is with Kaiser. and it will be until I'm 26.  I won't be using health care at university anytime soon.
And I'm going to be 21, so I don't think I'm all that young anymore.  ?

[Sharky]

Wow, crap, sorry! I just realized I didn't answer your actual question at all.

[JohnAlex]

Wow, crap, sorry! I just realized I didn't answer your actual question at all.

No, your advise was still helpful.  It's helpful to know people's opinions on this.

[Ayden]

Something else I wanted to through out there for you, as it was something that came up after I responded. I know the feeling of having not-so-accepting family, but your family might surprise you. I tested the subject with my grandmother, and, without revealing anything about me, she just laughed and said 'if they were in my family, I wouldn't care if they had two extra arms glued to their face. They are still family!'

That being said, I know my dad won't be as accepting, but my southern belle baptist grandmother for all intents was very supportive. Some of your family my surprise you in their response when and if you chose to come out to them.

But, I also like to think that we have our own little family here, even though we are seperated by experiences, countries, and whatever else.

[Arch]

I don't know why people brought up the college and health care thing. 

Uh, maybe because they didn't know about your Kaiser coverage and were trying to be helpful? It's an issue for lots of people, and college can be the best opportunity for some younger folks to transition. I have a friend who never could have afforded to fund his top surgery--not for several years, that is--if it hadn't been covered by his student health insurance.

And I'm going to be 21, so I don't think I'm all that young anymore.  ?

No offense, but a lot of therapists would say otherwise. If you were forty and had had a lot of time to think about it, this therapist might be less cautious.

Or not.

[JohnAlex]

No offense, but a lot of therapists would say otherwise. If you were forty and had had a lot of time to think about it, this therapist might be less cautious.

Or not.

Really?  See, that's interesting to me.   This is the kind of thing I wanted to know about.  because my therapist seemed to imply, or make me feel like, because I didn't know I was trans when I was a little kid, that makes me less convincing.  I mean, he was telling me about his other patients who he wrote letters for, and one of them was apparently really young, but since his parents were on board and the kid had shown signs of being trans from infancy, he wrote the letter for the kid.

So here I am feeling like if I had only known when I was younger, then I'd be more convincing.


and idk... I just don't know if I like him.  He made a few comments I didn't like.  But this is why I'm asking people for perspective.  Sometimes my expectation do not reflect reality.
I wanted a therapist who was totally on my side.  They believed me about being trans, and they wanted to help me as much as they could.  kind of like my high school adviser/counselor who also ran the high school GSA.   Maybe I had a completely wrong idea of what a therapists job is.
I wanted him to be accepting and make me feel like I could trust him and he has my best interests in mind.  things like that.

Instead, he made me feel like a very unconvincing transgender.  He asked questions which made me feel stupid for not already knowing the answer.
And then he asked me what my sexual orientation is.  and I told him the truth which is that I'm confused.  I sort of identify as asexual or pansexual, because I have a sex drive of zero and I've never dated someone, but I'm not against dating someone.  And he was all like disappointed in me or something for still being confused about my sexual orientation.  He said I'd need to figure that out first. 
And I asked, "why does that matter?"  And he was very blunt in saying, "Because when you date someone you're going to have to tell them that you don't have a penis."

I'm still lost on how my sexual orientation is relevant to starting T.  And I felt awkward about how blunt he was with that statement.  I'm not worried about dating right now.  I'm not going to be like, "oh, shoot, you're right.  I don't have a penis.  I guess I better stay a girl then." 
Idk, I think even just saying, "You don't have a penis."  Is kinda rude to say it like that.  It's like, thanks for pointing out that fact I try to forget all the time.


Oh and, he kept calling me "she" until I told him to call me "he."  I was bothered that I even had to ask.  It's not like he didn't know I was trans.  Or maybe I'm just used to the LGBT club at my college where I don't even tell people I'm trans, and they just can tell I am, and they call me "he" with out me even saying anything.


And I'm sorry this is even longer than my OP, I just really don't know what to think of him.  I need opinions.

[Arch]

This guy wears me out, and I didn't even have a session with him! He doesn't sound very knowledgeable or supportive.

Other people might have a different opinion/experience, but it's very important to me to "click" with my therapist. I've been in therapy a number of other times before, and I never did click...I just kept seeing people I didn't feel comfortable with. I didn't know that you're supposed to find a compatible therapist; there wasn't a lot of readily available info on therapists for me to access back then. Then I found my current psychologist, who is a great match for me. I trust him, and I've made all sorts of progress.

If you don't feel the need for self-exploration and just want to get letters, then this guy might work. But his six-month minimum troubles me. If you have issues to work through, then he doesn't sound very promising. Lots of people don't have their sexuality all figured out before they realize that they are trans. Lots of us don't know from childhood that we're trans. And we ALL deserve the correct pronouns, right from the first visit.

Honestly, I think you should try shopping around. You deserve someone who "gets" you and shows you respect.

[JohnAlex]

Okay.  Thanks for the response, Arch.   I think that's what I'll do then.