Mental Problems

[Squirrel698]

This time of year is rotten for me.  I know it's seasonal affective disorder but knowing doesn't solve the problem.  I'm just trying to get through it but it's a struggle.  I need some reassurance I think.  This actually has nothing to do with being trans but I feel a comradery with people on here.     

I have Borderline Avoidant Personality disorder with some Paranoid Narcissism thrown in for flavour. I feel so completely broken. People I know describe me alternatively as timid and then quick to anger. If someone tries to oppose authority on me I react very strongly as I won't be seen as weak. I really don't know how to draw the line between assertive and aggressive. I get freaked out if people aren't exactly the way I want them to be. It makes me feel out of control and scared if everything is not predictable.

I'm just a mess, a complete and utter mess. Sure it's due to my horrible childhood but that's in the past. I need to live in the now and with all of this burden, sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. My therapist says I need to concentrate more on self love and self tolerance. She thinks I'm to harsh on myself and my mistakes even as I forgive other people for the same mistakes. I'm working on that but it is hard. I just despise myself so completely. It's funny to me because people say I think to much of myself. That makes me burst out laughing because I literally think nothing of myself.

The image of the people around me have is not congruent to how I see myself. So it creates a sort of disassociation with myself. I want to know who I am and like who I am but it's so hard. I do go out with the same people weekly but I don't know if I have any friends. I'm in a good relationship with my partner but only because they are easily manipulated.

It sounds dramatic but I feel like I'm a burden on human society. Will it ever get better for me? What am I suppose to do?

[mixie]

Things in life tend to get worse and worse when the "universe" "karma" "god" "unconscious" is trying to tell us something about ourselves.  You say that people don't see you the way you see yourself.  Can you see this mirrored in the transgender issues as well? 

One thing I notice you are doing in your statements is using "declarative statements" as if you are speaking "truths" instead of momentary observations.  So when you say "people" for example,  it comes across as you thinking that these people represent the "truth of everyone" that are somehow more valid in their observation of you than you are in knowing yourself.

At the same time you don't want to discount things people around you observe about you, if you are unsure about what's going on for you at the moment.


However, it seems to me that people who tell you that you think too much of yourself, are people that are not people you ought to be around.

For a long time in my life I used to have this rule:  If three people who do not know each other, have the same opinion about you, you ought to take a look at it.   Translation: it's probably true.

Nowadays I would not agree with this statement at all.   But back that I would go in cycles about what I was doing wrong,  why I didn't fit in,  I often felt like I was anti social.  I diagnosed myself as Aspergers,  INTP,  Social Anxiety disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, evil bitch and mentally unstable.

At the end of the day I realized that actually what was going on was that I NEEDED NEW FRIENDS.   And I moved on.   When you find yourself in a metamorphosis in your life not everyone is going to like where you are headed.  You sound like you are outgrowing a lot of the things you used to know about yourself and it feels strange.

I'm not trying to diagnose just throwing this out there.    There have been about 3 times in my life when something like this has happened.  Only three mind you,  but the answer to my problem was actually  "THEY ARE ALL WRONG AND I AM RIGHT"  and I moved away from these people, or quit a job or just cut everyone out.

It is such a relief when you are correct about this and it works.   So consider it.   Good luck.

[Squirrel698]

That's a really interesting take, Mixie.  I really hadn't thought of myself from that angle before.  My problem is that I getting worried that if I keep on walking away from people eventually I'll run out of people all together.

It is true that I tend to lump everyone together.  Focusing on the bad things people say instead and discounting the good.  It's so strange when I'm around certain groups of people I feel like a moron, as if I can't think at all.  When I'm around other people I feel like the smartest one in the bunch. 

I know it comes down to confidence.  I am very confident and certain when it comes to my kids and their issues with autism.  I'm a great advocate for them and I'll go up against any who has anything bad to say.  However when it comes to developing relationships for myself I tend to stumble and become uncertain and that doesn't look so good. 

[mixie]

You say your kids have autism,  perhaps you have a trace of it yourself in not recognizing social cues.  Even raising kids with autism can have an impact on that because your home environment won't necessarily be one that uses the same kind of "cues" that other homes have.   Not trying to stereotype anyone with autism but it might be something to consider.

One of my online friends from high school has two teenagers who are nonverbal autistic and I do see a sense in her sometimes in social events that she's not on the same "groove" as others.  It doesn't mean she's wrong it just is that she's not used to relying on those as much as other people.  Just something to think about.

If this IS what is having some sort of impact on your life then it would explain why you have difficulty feeling like you are fitting in. 

Also in my younger days I never burned bridges,  I'd napalm them.   As I've gotten older I've realized you don't need to erase the old people (well sometimes you do! LOL) but in general try to find people who are more in line with what you are finding out about yourself.

[Squirrel698]

You know I have thought of that.  That I might be autistic or on the autism spectrum.  I've been professionally tested for it more than once and it always comes back with me free and clear. 

In fact I'm basically the opposite.  I'm hyper aware of social cues.  I notice the least change in expression on someone's face or body language.  It's my problem that I usually interpret it negatively.  I also tend to get fixated on certain people and when they let me down I get disheartened.  If I'm honest I do have people that like me.  I just want people who don't like me, to like me.  Heh.  Which is a silly thing to do because it's very hard to change someone's mind on that. 

[JohnAlex]

I also tend to get fixated on certain people and when they let me down I get disheartened.  If I'm honest I do have people that like me.  I just want people who don't like me, to like me.  Heh.  Which is a silly thing to do because it's very hard to change someone's mind on that. 

I don't know if this is much help, but just to add a comment to your last post here...

I also come from a very unaccepting family.  I haven't even told some of them because I'm afraid of them throwing me to the wolves, so to speak.
I used to care a lot what people think of me.  I used to feel good about myself when people liked me. especially family.   I was so scared to come out as trans, because I knew people would judge me and just plain not like me anymore.  and the fear held me back so much.  until one day, I was just like, "->-bleeped-<- what everyone else thinks!"  And I came out.  and yeah, people don't like me anymore.  but I had to decide that I just don't care.  I like myself and that's all that matters.  I have a few people who like me and understand me, people in the LGBT club. and that helps me have fun.  But mostly, I had to find it in myself to change and make that decision to not care what others think.  to not care if they don't like.  they can go ahead and not like me, because guess what, I don't like them either. so ->-bleeped-<- them.

So yeah, that was my rant XD

[mixie]

Great rant John Alex!   

I totally agree.  You know you might want to take this test Squirrel

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

It's a simple personality profile.   Mine is an INTP and much of what you say rings a bell with me.  I had an incident once that changed my perspective on this.

I worked in a store with an old woman who was a total beeeeyotch to me.  I couldn't figure out why she didn't like me.  But she basically hated my guts.   And another woman I worked with also just was nasty to me. I used to bend over backwards trying to win them over,  then I'd get angry and pissed off that they wouldn't budge.

One time this woman though, saw me crying in the stock room.  I was older, about 31 years old.   And she must have heard me speaking on the phone to a friend.  She seemed shocked that I was so hurt and she felt bad that she had "contributed" to this.  But she asked me (very kindly) "Who ever told you that there's something wrong with you because someone doesn't like you?   Who told you that everyone had to like you?  It doesn't mean anything at all about you.   It's the other persons crap."

She actually died a week after she told me this and I have kept it close to my heart.   Because I did used to feel that there was "something wrong with me" if people didn't like me.

Not everyone has to like you.   It doesn't mean a thing.   So stop trying so hard.   The people who will like you will like you.

Great quote out there for you

"What other people think of me is none of my business!"

http://www.mindrecipes.com/2011/what-other-people-think-of-me-is-none-of-my-business/