I don't really want to transition. How do I kill all 'dem dysphoria?

[Graverobber9]

I have come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be a boy. I know I would hate to live full time as a girl; I enjoy acting masculine by dominating conversations, teasing people, arguing and, more significantly, my chances of fulfilling my dreams, career-wise, would undoubtedly be shattered if I decided to transition.

So I won't.

Anyway, I'm having a bit of trouble adapting to a completely male life now. I can't resist looking at women's clothes when I go shopping and I'm pretty much detest the fact that I will have to wear suits and whatnot. I think ultimately my dysphoric thoughts stemmed from the fact that I am very uncomfortable with the idea of being a short haired, suit-wearing, adult man; the whole idea of being a woman is so much more glamorous and appealing. It just didn't seem that big of a leap for me because I thought I was gay anyway.

So that is probably why I decided to transition. And it just didn't work out.

So how can I accept living the life of a man? How can I forget about the myth of myself as a woman? I keep telling myself how attractive I am as a guy and how people like me that way. It has been helping some, but it won't completely resolve my problem.




PS: Don't recommend crossdressing because that would be very counterproductive, as far as I'm concerned.

[casey8736]

I dont really have any good advice as I experience similar issues. I know that I am a man undoubtedly and I am currently in the transition process, but I want to be a girl. No one really understands when I try to explain it because theyre just like you have a girls body so be a girl...but my brain is entirely male.

[Graverobber9]

I dont really have any good advice as I experience similar issues. I know that I am a man undoubtedly and I am currently in the transition process, but I want to be a girl. No one really understands when I try to explain it because theyre just like you have a girls body so be a girl...but my brain is entirely male.

The problem is I'm simply not a girl. Even if I am gay and I have some feminine interests, and heck even if I do want it, it's not really who I am at the end of the day. I have so much potential, but only as a male. I don't want to give anything up.

Sigh. 

[Just Kate]

I am JUUUUST about the only person on this forum who is active who is living with gender dysphoria who has chosen not to transition.  I've written a lot on it.

If you don't mind a bit of reading, I recommend my blog for starters, then we can talk from there.  (If you can ignore the religious stuff early one, the more recent posts are more relevant).

If you don't want to read, no problem.  If you want to control the dysphoria, you have to start thinking of it like you would a mental illness, one whose triggers can be controlled through cognitive training.  I assume women's clothing in clothing stores is a trigger for you?  Anything else?

[Graverobber9]

I am JUUUUST about the only person on this forum who is active who is living with gender dysphoria who has chosen not to transition.  I've written a lot on it.

If you don't mind a bit of reading, I recommend my blog for starters, then we can talk from there.  (If you can ignore the religious stuff early one, the more recent posts are more relevant).

If you don't want to read, no problem.  If you want to control the dysphoria, you have to start thinking of it like you would a mental illness, one whose triggers can be controlled through cognitive training.  I assume women's clothing in clothing stores is a trigger for you?  Anything else?

I often get disgusted at how male I look, sound, and act. I mean I know it's okay to be a guy and stuff, but it just bothers me.
And of course I'm jealous of ciswomen a lot of the time... 

[Just Kate]

I often get disgusted at how male I look, sound, and act. I mean I know it's okay to be a guy and stuff, but it just bothers me.
And of course I'm jealous of ciswomen a lot of the time... 

To not get dysphoric in the past I used to avoid anything that triggered it.  This does bring short term relief if you are being overwhelmed by dysphoria but it isn't a realistic long term fix.  Truly, you must change the way you feel about the things that normally make you dysphoric.  If looking in the mirror makes you dysphoric, then you need to associate looking in the mirror with something else - something positive and reinforcing.  Is there anything that makes you feel good about yourself?  Are you a good singer?  Artist?

[Graverobber9]

I'm actually a very good singer, composer, and producer. I don't want to give any of that up to transition... Blah.
When I look in the mirror I see a good looking guy and that makes me feel good, but I still feel a bit empty and unsettled.

[Just Kate]

I'm actually a very good singer, composer, and producer. I don't want to give any of that up to transition... Blah.
When I look in the mirror I see a good looking guy and that makes me feel good, but I still feel a bit empty and unsettled.

I'd recommend focusing on keeping your appearance up so you can be happy with at least the male in the image.  Additionally, try to warm up your voice and launch into a song you sing well BEFORE it is time to look in the mirror or at your body.

I know I'm being very specific, but I'm just trying to work with one single example of how to target a dysphoric trigger and nullify it so it isn't as painful.  dysphoria can grow, swell, and become a monster if it isn't contained.  Targeting triggers is the best way I know to keep it manageable.

[Imadique]

I don't know your history but I see you've been around long enough to rack up nearly 100 posts, so I assume you're not just new to all this and having a typical "I'm not one of those people I'm normal/this is scary" reaction or something shallow like that.

I don't believe in trying to sway people one way or the other, I also don't believe in trying to reprogram your very nature. Good luck to anyone who thinks they can do it. I've known a couple of people who were on the brink of transitioning and found happiness without it just by expressing themselves more freely and being genderqueer, and they've saved themselves a lot of heartache in the process. However if you're planning on a career where that may not be an option I really think you need to figure out what drives you (it sounds like you're in that process now) and if you're causing yourself considerable distress trying to fit into a straight edged masculine role that you can't be happy in, maybe the career and idealised life plans are what has to go.


Just as an aside though, the music industry is one of the most welcoming places for a transperson to be.

[Gadgett]

FIrst off let me say that I can appreciate your position and want to wish you the very best in your decision.

Anyways what I had done when I was taking that path was that I would keep in mind that I am who I am and this shell doesn't define me. I think it's acceptable and doable to live your life as a man even if it's a feminine male. Even with the stereotype of men don't like nice clothes and things like that it's gonna make life difficult. But the bottom line is to be mindful of being proud of who you are. There is NOTHING wrong with you so don't let people tell you there is.

Again the very best wishes for you and the best of happiness.

[pebbles]

Self harm held my mind together at the expense of my body for many years.
I'm not saying its a good solution but it worked for me for a time if nothing else.

Refusing to look at yourself by getting rid of mirrors and avoiding begin photographed it stops the dysphora from begin aggrivated.

If your having an intense episode focus on your work as best as you can having somthing to commit yourself to can help keep your mind off the pain.

DONT excaserbate the problem by "manning up" or behaving out of character. Doing that put me in a tailspin when I tried. Because even if you do somthing good or kind you will only feel like an imposter.

This is what I did... ultimately I failed. thus I might not be the best advisor. but best of luck with whatever decision you feel a need to live with.

[Just Kate]

DONT excaserbate the problem by "manning up" or behaving out of character. Doing that put me in a tailspin when I tried. Because even if you do somthing good or kind you will only feel like an imposter.

I can't agree with this statement more.   Right on the money - it is one of the most self destructive things you can do, and while it might provide temporary relief it does far, far more damage in the future.

[Graverobber9]

Being a manly doesn't feel problematic for me because I am masculine, personality-wise (though I have several feminine qualities). I actually feel rather relieved not having to worry about passing and embracing who I am at the core.

[jesse]

hi grave i cant really offer much more then interallia has already offered i personally resisted this as long as i could until 40 years old to be exact the toll it took on me in those 30 plus years was completely ridiculous i loss my ability to feel to connect with other people to feel if i was anything other then an empty shell going threw the motions. having said all that i would still say resist as long as you can but watch what it does to you in the trade off for me it was too much for you who knows by trying to man up i caused more harm phycologically to myself then if i would just have left it alone.
jessi

[supremecatoverlord]

There is no way to get rid of your dysphoria.
I realized that I was not in the body I was supposed to be in once I hit puberty and it took me nearly a decade later to actually accept it. I would say I was trans to people, tell my friends, people I was in relationships with, and then I would say I changed my mind; I would deny it all, because I hated thinking that there was something "wrong" with me. Mind you, I grew up in an extremely closed minded community where most of my peers had treated me as if I had the plague and I had very little support. I totally understand that patriarchy rules in our society and that transitioning could potentially be a huge blow to your career, but there is no way to get rid of your dysphoria. I've tried. The problem with trans-people is that we are aware of our outer sex and we know that's how most people see us - but that doesn't necessarily purport that we were meant to be born that way; if you truly have gender dysphoria, you will only be able to convince yourself for a short time that your brain and body are in sync. You may be able to suppress your dysphoria for a while, but it will come back and it will get worse every time it does. The whole point behind any sort of dysphoria is it's constant malaise. If there was a way to actually absolve someone's dysphoria, there would be no reason for transitioning. About 50% of trans-people commit suicide if they have have not began transitioning before age thirty - and why? It's because there's no way to make the feelings they have disappear and they can't come to terms who they really are. People who decide to transition chose to do so because they see it as the only means of being happy. Your brain controls who you are and you shouldn't let your "outer sex" keep you from transitioning, because literally, beyond cultural and societal connotations, it says very little about who you are as a person. I hope you realize all of this as you are making your decision.

[Felix]

When I was trying to stay closeted it helped to not look at mirrors and reflections. Also to assert my right to behave in ways that weren't exactly typical for my assigned gender. I don't...I don't think I know how to be supportive of your position, as I can respect it but I cannot understand it. I hope you find a way to move in the world that makes you comfortable.

[Just Kate]

I agree with JasonRossL that dysphoria never goes away.  All we can do is treat it.  As Jason mentioned, transition is one way to treat dysphoria, however not all require that level of treatment.  To say that nothing works to treat dysphoria except transition is an extreme exaggeration that doesn't take into account variations on the how dysphoria is experienced.  It treats gender dysphoria as a one size fits all kind of problem, with a one size fits all kind of solution, when we can attest to the fact that it affects different people differently (just look at the post/non-op debates).  Usually those promoting a transition-only position do so because they couldn't find another way to relieve their own, or they drank the kool-aid of the "transition or die" agenda of many of our activists.

Perhaps the OP is willing to try other ways to treat their dysphoria that doesn't involve the destruction of their personal life.  Perhaps we should be looking to support them in their desires rather than telling the OP in absolutist terms that no other methods of treatment are available.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Just be a super feminine gay guy. Problem solved.

[Felix]

I don't think transition is necessary for everyone. Maybe redefinition would be useful? You can be a man who occasionally likes dresses, or who likes to fantasize about being a woman. You can be androgynous. You can be yourself any number of ways.

[supremecatoverlord]

I agree with JasonRossL that dysphoria never goes away.  All we can do is treat it.  As Jason mentioned, transition is one way to treat dysphoria, however not all require that level of treatment.  To say that nothing works to treat dysphoria except transition is an extreme exaggeration that doesn't take into account variations on the how dysphoria is experienced.  It treats gender dysphoria as a one size fits all kind of problem, with a one size fits all kind of solution, when we can attest to the fact that it affects different people differently (just look at the post/non-op debates).  Usually those promoting a transition-only position do so because they couldn't find another way to relieve their own, or they drank the kool-aid of the "transition or die" agenda of many of our activists.

Perhaps the OP is willing to try other ways to treat their dysphoria that doesn't involve the destruction of their personal life.  Perhaps we should be looking to support them in their desires rather than telling the OP in absolutist terms that no other methods of treatment are available.

Honestly, I was not implying that someone has to completely transition to be happy. There are varying degrees of transitioning and they don't always include completion of surgeries. I would be supportive, if they had not asked "so how do I get rid of the dysphoria?" That's more of what I'm responding to, the use of the word dysphoria which usually implies something more than merely being confused. To me, this seems to be more of an issue of accepting oneself than deciding on whether or not the OP wants to transition. They can honestly do whatever they want with their life, but I'm just saying that it's typical for gender dysphoric people to slip in and out of denial. I've been there, done that, and it doesn't make you accept yourself anymore; it doesn't make things any easier. As long as this person chooses to ultimately be who they are, that is what is best for them, but that is not what their post even remotely implied. I am not saying "TRANSITION NOW", but that they should accept their gender identity, regardless of what it is. They do talk about transitioning though, so I felt it was more than appropriate to talk about... Sorry for the misunderstanding, bud.