Yesterday was a big day for me regarding my journey. You see, I've been feeling really bad about taking my next step. I have been on HRT since Sept. 30th of 2010. Then in January we had a baby. Since then the baby has been in and out of the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital. I have had to deal with doctors while enduring my transition and hiding changes even to the point to lie about it at times by telling others that I was inter-sexed. I know, it's the wrong thing to do, but it made life easier to go that route, than to explain things during the worst time of my life (meaning finding out my baby had a fatal disease). People began to notice subtle changes each time we'd be back in the hospital. Recently, my doctor made a comment to me that really bothered me. I'm at a point now, where I'm beginning to show more of the real me (without make up). My features are def softened and such, but I think my weight is at the lower end of being a females...I'm not big for a guy, but for a girl, I am a little taller... like a volley ball player with a little more muscle. Anyway, he said I looked pale, and had dark circles around my eyes. He saw a lot of weight loss during this year happen (for better reasons of course) but he was worried I was depressed (um, yeah, that is part of it). But, it hurt. It hurt because I felt I had come ALLLLL this way despite the obstacles and dealing with a sick child. I was somewhat proud that I stuck to my guns, because I knew deep down inside, I couldn't live another year without doing this. I have no regrets...only that I didn't do this sooner. But it's been really hard. Still, his comment made me wonder if he was right. Most of us T-Girls know how important it is to feel good about ourselves. How important it is to enjoy the illusion of outward beauty. I know that it is more about the inside than the out, but still, we want it...I want it.
This doctor is my doctor too, not just my baby's. He is the sweetest most caring doctor I have ever encountered. He is extremely knowledgable and considerate. I broke down in tears, and once I got to the part about having gender dysphoria since the age of 2, he knew where I was heading. He held my hand, caressed it gently, and told me that he could not imagine the pain that I had endured so many years and hiding this fact. He went on to tell me that the hospital thought my spouse and I were the most amazing, caring and knowledgable parents they had ever seen. He told me that I am a wonderful person and that his concept of me would never change, I am the same soul. He also went on and made sure that I was healthy, mentally and physically. he took down all my HRT med info, and told me he would research everything. I told him that I had another doctor I was seeing for my HRT and that I was also seeing a therapist and Psychiatrist as well, since I was getting closer to a possible breakdown.
I know I am rambling....venting...but I guess in my long and winded way, what I am saying is despite being a "medium" profile person publicly (because of my day job), nothing seems better than telling the truth. I STILL have to be careful though because most people have a negative misconception about trans people. But then it occurred to me, if I tell people my "B" story about being inter sexed what good am I doing to those that have fought so hard for our rights? What good am I to those that struggle publicly with living as a woman first before even starting HRT? What good am I to my T brothers and sisters that risk their lives being that beacon by simply being themselves in their everyday living? I am who I am, I cannot go stealth. Too many people in my profession know me and my family.
I cannot hide. I cannot lie. I AM a woman.Yes, I am TRANS because I am in Trans-ition. But, I must fight the fight with all of you. Not hide behind something I am not.
This incident made me a stronger person. It made me realize what most of you already know...that being honest and accepting starts within you and that some will understand and those that don't will not matter, because in the end, it's about YOU and your happiness.
I thank you for taking the time to read this. I thank you for giving me the strength for more than a year I have been on here. I thank you for holding my hand in some ways and guiding me when I felt all alone in my transition. I THANK YOU.
May you be blessed with the best life ever sisters and brothers.
I am NOW with you even stronger than before and it's because of YOU.
