Disgusting Anatomy?

[Wendy]

Wheather I read or write a post I sometimes end up laughing or needing a box of tissues.  I much rather laugh or make people laugh than cry; however, realize I am quite serious about the topic even if I am silly.

Second I am xy and I sometimes confuse readers which sex I am.  All I can say is yes I do have a sex... oops gender.

I do look for common life events or how people dealt with their issues to help me come to terms with my gender dysphoria or better understand it.  I have read many threads that describe the male anatomy as disgusting.

Maybe being trangendered manifests itself in different ways  but I never found the male anatomy as disgusting.  I found what the male anatomy did as disgusting.

For those of you who are faint of heart please exit.  For the others I will try to be delicate in trying to describe some very difficult events in my life.

Before I was 11 I had that weird event happen while I was sleeping and had to get up and wash my pj's in the middle of the night.  It happened a few more times and then I trained myself to wake up before it happened and could prevent it.  After those few times it never occurred again.  I mean never.

One good thing is the bullies at school had a more difficult time beating me up for being different since I grew before they did.

My male part was ignored by me until college.  At that time my roommate and the dorm guys asked me if I wanted to go do a contest.  I asked them the details and then I declined.  When they left to go to their contest I locked the door and said I am a male not a female and I can do that.  I was 18.

I never found my own male part disgusting I found what it did disgusting.  By 25 I looked and trained myself to act like a male but I was very different inside my head.

I do not blame God or my parents or me.  It just is that way. 

I welcome comments from people that agree or disagree. 

Do transgendered hate their private parts or hate what their parts do?

[Debbie_Anne]

Speaking for myself, I dislike that my private parts are what they are.  They don't feel like they belong on me.

[Melissa]

I dislike how foreign they seem to me.  They always have.  While I was in denial I didn't have that much of a problem using them (I had 2 children), but I was unlike most other men.  Since this is not the sexuality forum, I will refrain from details.  After I came out of denial, I didn't want to do anything with them and after a lot of working on myself psychologically, I was able to convince myself that it's ok to use them once again because they are just something there that is temporary until SRS.  Even though I still use it on occasion (by myself of course), I still cannot wait until SRS.  I guess what I'm saying is that It just looks and feels so foreign on my body.  As a kid (this is a bit embarrassing) I would constantly be pulling it out from in between my legs because it felt uncomfortable being there and whenever somebody caught me doing that, I would get some pretty weird looks or comments.  I learned to find ways of moving it without anybody seeing it.  Interestingly, I have found women's underwear does a marvelous job keeping it out of that area.  I also find it ironic that as a TS I need to stuff it between my legs for at least a year, so I finally am able to not have to ever have it between my legs again (at least my own ).

Melissa

[Wendy]

Dear Melissa and Debbie Anne,

Thank you for you posts!   It has taken me one year to be able to get the courage to write this and other threads.

I am truly ashamed at my gender dysphoria.  Other MTF have told me to try and live with it because the alternatives are worse.

Unlike many TG's including both of you I have "ignored" having male genitilia as opposed to finding them out of place.  I totally ignored them for 18 years and did not see them as good or bad.  I dislike what they did.

However I still can relate to events Melisa, who is many years my junior, has shared.  I have a great wife and three fantastic children.  I am not some sort of pervert that wants others to suffer this predicament.

I have suffered doing all things like a female and then trained myself to undo them to be like a male.

However unlike an overwhelming  majority of TG's I have found what happened to me to be disgusting not per se having male genitilia to be disgusting.

As a young adult I simply wanted to be accepted as a female and not a male.  However in order to protect my being and please others I tried very hard (no pun intented) to be a male.  My reward (and it was a good thing) is that I was granted the things of being a male.

My wife is great and my children are great.  At the same time I wish I had as fantastic breasts as my wife!

I think SRS by age 10 would have worked for me.  I struggled for the first 25 years.  Then I adjusted for the next ten.  Then the conflict has grown worst and worst in my head.

As I grow older I look more and more like a male.  I have taken female hormones at various times in my life and currently have taken them for two years.  The female hormones have taken the edge off of my maleness but have caused my femaleness to get worse.  I now have small breasts, do not preform as a male, and desire to be a female more than ever.  However I can still make the male parts work when I am by myself as I did when I decided to be a male at 18.

I could care less about male genitilia as long as I could look and be accepted as a female.  I am a sensitive and considerate human being but unfortunately I do care what people think.  If people call me a freak I want to go into isolation.  At this point in my life I am still attracted to females.  Two years of female hormones has done little to change my attraction to females.

However if I am TG then I am the only TG that could care less that I had male genitilia.  I cared that the male genitilia turned a pretty girl into a boy!

I am neither crying nor laughing but I am very confused!  Maybe I am not TG.  Do you have to hate your male gentilia to be TG?

[Yvonne]

I had surgery at 24, does that tell you anything?

[cindianna_jones]

I had mine removed as well. I was disgusted with the old me. I hated everything about "it" and "them".  I hated everything "it" did. You are not alone in your feelings.

Cindi

[Kate]

but I never found the male anatomy as disgusting.  I found what the male anatomy did as disgusting.

Exactly how I feel.

I never really paid much attention to it. It was just something I peed with, and well.. girls pee too, so I never really thought of it as being so much a "male" thing in and of itself when younger.

What I DID hate and find gross was it's OTHER function. I've always found that terribly, shamefully embarassing. Sigh. I so wish I had indulged in PRE marital sex with my wife. I mighta gotten a clue as to our future. Eeek. I digress...

Don't get me wrong, I do find it aesthetically unattractive and incongruent, but no moreso than a beard, etc. I've never felt the utter revulsion some feel, or a desperate need to cut it off or anything like that.

I think I'm more driven to SRS actually so I can finally relate sexually as I want and need to... wish me luck with that, lol, but STILL...

Kate

[rhonda13000]

After I began transition in 2005, I slowly grew to despise them.

And then, limits of tolerance were reached.

[umop ap!sdn]

I used to feel a lot less revulsion than I do now. It was always just - there, though funny looking and useless (mostly), and I wondered who the heck decided it belonged on me. Never understood why men value theirs so much, any more than one might value a toenail. When I was 15, I wanted to give myself an orchi. Would have been a mess had I tried, but knowing what I know now, I actually wish I had tried & succeeded.

At this point, I can't wait for SRS because what I have right now is the source of a lot of depressed "why me" feelings.

[Rachel]

i specifically find it to be disgusting on me....i look at it and it looks wrong, foreign and just nasty......it feels just blech......-shivers- to say it lightly i dont like it

[katia]

am i disgusted by my anatomy?  very much so, yes.  i can't wait till august.  i wanted to schedule it sooner but she didn't have any openings.

[Rachel]

you will though soon.....hehe, sorry couldnt help that one

i am far from that point, but im working on it

[Wendy]

Many thanks!  The comments do help me.

By the way you can tease me.  I do have a sense of humor.

Tink I did feel dirty and ashamed of that thing.  However I think you were brave as a child.  Certainly a lot braver than me.

Kate  I can relate to your comments.
............................

I have never been able to talk about this stuff to anyone.

By 18 I had an epiphany and realized that thing was going to make me a boy.

I then started to change everything about me to look and act xy.

I have been depressed for decades.  No antidepressants have ever helped.

Sex as opposed to gender was not even easy for me.

The guys made some real aggressive passes at me when I entered college and I ran away from them.  My goodness how do guys ever get a date if they treat women that way!

... back to the disgusting anatomy....
I did get some opportunities to be with young ladies in college but the part I had suppressed for years did not get aroused.  Ladies would say I guess you don't find me attractive.  I told them they were very attractive which was true. 

I felt very troubled.  I would not go out with a guy because I was a guy.  I was not aroused by girls because I was a girl.   

By 23 I was dancing with an attractive 28 year old buxom twice divorced blond lady and she said I was going to get lucky.  She did not know that the only bra I had ever taken off a woman were the ones I secretly borrowed and took off of me.  She took off her clothes and my clothes in less time than it would take to write this sentence.  I told her it was my religious beliefs that prevented me from getting aroused.  (However I wish I could have a body that looked like yours!... I did not tell her that but is was true.)  She also did something to me that women sometimes do to men.  I am sure she was an expert but it was very disturbing to me and not even that thing she did would cause arousal.

I learned to switch into girl mode when I was with a lady.  I looked only to please them.  I rarely had an  O but they got them.  They would say I was very gentle for a man.  (Hey am I gentle for a girl? ... I did not ask them that.) 

If I get angry at a lady they will get no "sex" from me.

I do not understand how a man can abuse a lady.

I do not understand how a man can pay for sex with a lady.

I do find what the male anatomy did as disgusting.  I have never been able to adjust to it.  However when I was a young girl it was just there.

Will a transgender person act this way?

[Melissa]

She also did something to me that women sometimes do to men.  I am sure she was an expert but it was very disturbing to me and not even that thing she did would cause arousal.

It's funny, my wife tried that to me too once.  I really have thought my genitals were disgusting for as long as I can remember and I couldn't conceive how somebody could put something so disgusting in their mouths.  Just the thought of it was enough to not only have it not work, but to also make it so I never tried that again.  By the way, I did ask her how she could do something so disgusting and she said it wasn't disgusting to her.  I spent years trying to understand why (delusion didn't work in this case) and when I started transitioning, I went right back to where I was years ago with thinking it was equally as disgusting.

Melissa

[debisl]

I have despised mine from a very young age. Like around 15 or 16. When I use to have sex as a guy I would sometimes be on the bottom and pretend I was the one being laid. Enough said without being on the sexuality forum. I am sorry!! Please forgive me. I have not used it for sex in quite a while. It does not get hard at all, and I can't find it most of the time. I guess HRT is working like it should. The only real function it has now is releif. I guess if your mind is in the right place and you have always known you were trapped in a mans body you are normal to being TS. I do like that part of the anatomy, only on someone else.

Deb

[Melissa-kitty]

Wendy, you are a sweetheart!
Don't ask so much if these things are normal for a transsexual. People differ, TS's differ. With time and work, perhaps you will find a good spot, to be who you are truly. That is the Holy Grail. Being comfortable with who you are. Maybe it means changing your anatomy. Maybe it means changing your clothes or your actions. To borrow a word from our president, you are the "decider"!
Give yourself some breathing room, hon. Take some time. Consider a lot. Get help.
Blessings, Tara

[Wendy]

I love sharing at this site!
..........

Melisa I love your to the point descriptions.  Yes my wife tried that thing on me.  Hands or mouth by a xx will not get me aroused. It never has. 

Debisl you got the idea of what I was trying to say.  I actually imagine "me is not me" and as soon as xx is happy I am happy. 

Tara your comments are on the money and I will address them. I ask all these questions because how could I get to this point in my life and be a TS?  By the way all the housewives always call me a "Sweetheart".  Hmm!  ....I have tried to talk to a few MD's and psychiatrists.  At 20 I went to the university psychiatrist and told him I was having trouble with girls.  He prescribed me acne medications.  When I was older I told an MD I was having trouble as a man.  He told me that happens as you get older.  I asked one MD for "T" and he told me I had enough in my body.  He prescribed a bunch of "ED" drugs but they did absolutely nothing.  I went to one psychiatrist a few years ago and he told me I was having depression because I was having trouble with things that define a man.  He was quite close.  He gets a star!  However no combination of anti depression drugs helped.  One addictive drug did work but he would not keep prescribing it to me.  Every time I talk any psychiatrist I can not stop crying....  Tara my wife also tells me I need to be happy with myself.  I tell her I am happy with myself. (Sorry.)  ...Finally I agree with the President and I am the decider.  That is why I have taken female hormones for two years.  I have read they will not make you feel better.  However I do feel better except when I decide I no longer need them and I get a mood swing worse than PMS.

I have gone into isolation and do not trust doctors.  I have been unable to talk about this stuff face-to-face with anyone.  I sleep with a shirt on when I go to bed with my wife to hide my breasts.  Female hormones have almost stopped the disgusting part from doing anything.  I asked my wife to leave me and she asked if I no longer loved her.  I told her I do love her.  She is my best friend.  Maybe she knows but she is suffering so very much from me.  She is an intelligent beautiful lady.

Each day I say you can be a male today and you will stop taking female hormones.  I am ashamed to be a male and I am ashamed to tell people I am a female.  That disgusting thing has gotten me all mixed up!  Yes Tara you read between the lines.