Be gentle

[leinah]

I don't know where to start. I've never communicated openly about this but I've been living in my own private world for years. I've read the articles and blogs trying to determine where I fit in (TV or CD). My family doesn't know and I don't think they could handle it. If you knew me and someone said that I was a TV/CD I'd think you would say no way. My day to day so called normal life creates an environment where people tend to count on me as being strong (and masculine I guess). Ever since I was a pre-teen I've enjoyed my secret world and up till lately, that would do. It seems that my desires/needs have changed and I'm finding that I'm pushing my luck. It started with me buying womens clothing and shoes whenever I shopped, blaming it my wifes needs, but I think a few cashiers saw through the act. Anyway, I have been pushing myself out in public (usually at night) where it can be easier to pull off but also easier to get hurt (2-4am). It's almost as if I want to get caught but I really don't. I don't understand what I'm going through and I hope I don't hurt anyone, especially my beautiful wife and my loving daughters. I'm torn and confused and I'm uncertain as to where this path will lead me.

By the way, I've tried to stop, threw everything away. It lasted for a few months and I slowly built up my wardrobe and accessories. I'm now at a point where I have 3 times more stuff than I had before. So in my mind, quitting is not an option.

Any feedback would be appreciated
Leinah

[kaelin]

You're right, throwing away your stuff isn't going to help.

It sounds like you are CD instead of TV on the basis of it being more exciting rather than arousing.  If you still feel you are essentially a man (as opposed to a woman trapped inside a man's body), that would rule out TS and affirm the idea of CD.

Regarding your wife, you may want to divulge this aspect of you to her eventually.  It will be hard to hide it for the rest of your life, and you do not want your wife to get the wrong idea if she stumbles upon your cache of women's clothing. -- Affirm that you will generally be conducting business as usual, and that this does not change the fact that you love her (most CDs are heterosexual, for the record), nor should it affect your ability to meet her needs.

[gennee]

My story is similar to yours, Leinah. It sounds like you are a Cd. It started out with me as very sensual. As I accepted it as a part of me, I have been at peace and feel liberated.

I understand your concern about how your wife will react. when I told my wife, she was shocked at first. Now we share skirts, blouses, and tops. I can only say is to break it to her when you feel the time is right. She may be shocked at first. Let her digest what you have told her but don't force it.

I admire you for wanting to expand your borders. That's how I felt when I went out in public the first time. I have been been out many, many times and I love it. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Gennee     

[leinah]

Thanks for the kind words, I would love to share this with my wife. I have hinted at it many times, Almost to the point where she has to wonder. Everytime the issue arises she shows total disgust with the possibility, when measuring other men. I've tried sharing articles, stories, etc. always with the same result. My greatest fear is that I lose her to my selfish needs.

Who knows what the future will bring. For now, my other life remains a secret......
Only known by you....

Thank you again
leinah

[Suzy]

Hi Leinah!

You and I share so much.  It's really hell to go through.  Who wants to make that choice between our families and our true selves.  But that's what we seem to be dealt in life.  There are no easy answers, and I'm not personally sure that all wives should know.  Whatever you do, keep talking about it here.  Many of us can attest to the fact that just that helps make it bearable, and then we might even move on and enjoy our true selves!

Peace,
Kristi

[Louise]

Welcome to Susans.  You are among friends here.  Many of us have been through the same things.  One thing that most of us would agree on is that quitting is not an option.  I am a married crossdresser in my 60's.  After living most of my life deep in the closet I came out to my wife about nine years ago.  That was the hardest thing I have ever done but I do not regret it at all.  My wife is very accepting, although she prefers my male side to my feminine side.  Keeping this hidden from you wife will probably cause more harm in the long run.  Secrets between spouses are never good.

[BeverlyAnn]

Leinah,  what you are going through is the same thing that almost all of us go through as we get older.  You are right that purging (throwing everything away) doesn't help.  My situation was similar to yours except that I told my wife while we were still engaged and although she accepted it, she was NOT supportive and wanted me to quit after we were married.  It took 10 years of sneaking behind her back before she realized this was a part of me, not something I could just give up.

As to telling your wife.  This is something you have to decide on your own without any influence from others.  I have known of some wives that were accepting from the beginning, others that gradually came around and others that simply said, "get out and don't come back."  Only you can judge how you think she will react and  even then you can't be sure.  One thing someone said is correct though.  Eventually she will find out and that could have disastrous effects.

As to TV or CD, the terms are essentially the same.  ->-bleeped-<- or TV comes from the latin trans (cross) vestum (dress).  That's one reason I hate labels but if we must have one, I prefer Transgendered or TG as it covers all of us and doesn't create divisiveness within our community.

Bev

[Kate Thomas]

Hi Leinah
Welcome To Susans

I hope you put your safety first during your public outings. its all to easy for trouble to find you at that time of night.
with any luck ther may be crossdressing support groups in your area. you may need to call a near by GLBT center to find out if any are in your area.  You could check our Main Page for links.
I dont think you would want consider telling you wife untill you have a full understanding of what your crossdressing is and is not. 

Best Wishes
Kate Alice

[gina_taylor]

Hi Leinah,

After reading a lot of the replies to your post, and reading your post, I to also feel that you are a cross-dresser and not a ->-bleeped-<-. I went through the same thing many years ago, being not sure exactly what I was, and back in 1984, the only term available then was the ->-bleeped-<- term. But after spending some valuable time with a social worker going over my sexual orientation and my gender idnetity, she was able to tell me that she strongly felt that I was a transgender, which is different from a transsexual.

Now I did enjoy reading Beverly Ann's post, and I do agree with her that I don't really care much for labels either, but unfortunately that's the way the world has become; if it has a label, it can be identified better.

Gina

[person]

These seem most likely want will happen to me in the time to come.

[leinah]

Thanks ever so much for the kind words.
It's nice to know that you're out there to talk to.

Hopefully I can help you someday

Love Leinah