Dating... rejection...

[ZeldaHeart]

Well Brad, that's nice advice, but those guys aren't into transgendered/transsexuals "in spite" of of someone being trans.  It's BECAUSE they're trans that the guy would be interested.  That is creepy in my opinion.  Like, turning someone into an object of desire. 

[pretty]

Well Brad, that's nice advice, but those guys aren't into transgendered/transsexuals "in spite" of of someone being trans.  It's BECAUSE they're trans that the guy would be interested.  That is creepy in my opinion.  Like, turning someone into an object of desire.

I want to say I agree but this is how most men think about women in the first place 

[Mahsa Tezani]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?! Seriously why would you want to admit being trans to a guy? =/

   I think not telling him is a good way to test a guy and see if he's just interested in sex or if he really likes you, make him work for it.   

I've been exploring the sea. I can get a date with no issue. Guys ask me out on the street, at the store, etc. But every guy I've told so far rejects me. I've learned not to clue them in early or anything else. One guy figured it out and was like, "you're cute, but I assumed you were a biological female and I'm not into you now because you were born male". He was this ultra straight guy.. and I straight up asked him, "are you into trans?" and he said, "Not at all". I thought since he was so horny for me he'd accept me. But I sent him into crying game mode.

I prefer bi/gay men...even though I've yet to find a man besides Dustin who was into me and he's dead. :*(

I mean I have a boyfriend...but he's married and kind of a jerk. We argued over me changing my hair FOR MY BIRTHDAY TONIGHT!

[Lily]

Why is it creepy for a person to be attracted to something specific about you? Isn't it the same as someone being attracted to redheads? It's just a preference, and we all have them.

Or is there something wrong with being attracted to transgirls?

[Mahsa Tezani]

Why is it creepy for a person to be attracted to something specific about you? Isn't it the same as someone being attracted to redheads? It's just a preference, and we all have them.

Or is there something wrong with being attracted to transgirls?

I like curry. If my boyfriend buys me curry, I am not gonna be like "I DON'T WANT IT" even though I love to eat it.

Therefore, these guys want bio girls not transgirls. They wouldn't waste their time dating them.

[Rabbit]

Why is it creepy for a person to be attracted to something specific about you? Isn't it the same as someone being attracted to redheads? It's just a preference, and we all have them.

Or is there something wrong with being attracted to transgirls?

Yea, I never understood this either how so many are against a guy liking them because they are trans.

The best guess I have been able to come up with is that a lot of trans girls believe somewhere in their minds that being trans is bad. They can't stand living as they are in "male" and being "trans" is dirty... so that only leaves them with the binary option of being 100 percent female (or, in their minds, "normal").

The thing is, trans people have been around in history for as long as humans have been around. It is found in animals (such as clown fish) and a variety of other things.... it is natural... just western culture has tried so hard to cover it up as "dirty" that we don't realize just how natural it is.

It would be like if western culture made you feel guilty for wanting to have sex ...oh wait... yea, they do that too... o.O Disconnect from reality isn't really in societies best interest...

[ToriJo]

  Well what he doesn't know won't hurt him i mean it's not like you're cheating on the poor guy or anything like that. 

I agree, as a non-trans person.  He doesn't need to know.

I've written about this before.  If my wife tried to go stealth, I would have found out eventually.  I'm glad she told me, as when the inevitable happened it was no big deal and I could support her rather than be shocked/horrified/whatever-horrible-reaction.

I never planned on dating anyone but a non-trans female.  I certainly wasn't chasing.  I also wasn't seeking a guy!  The reality was that I never even thought about dating trans people (and I'd probably say that some guy who has thought of it probably is seeking people for the wrong reasons).  Maybe I thought "trans people just don't date" or some hogwash like that. But my wife told me about her past before we even started to date and I had to figure out what I believed and thought - something that I never thought about previously.  Obviously I decided that not dating someone because they needed cosmetic surgery was a pretty stupid reason to not date someone.

I'm glad she took that risk with me - I can't imagine how horrible it is to feel the need to share something that personal and that painful.  And she didn't have to.  But I think it was good that she did and showed a lot of trust in me.  It's nice to not have secrets in our relationship.  I feel the same way about past financial troubles, past relationships, any medical conditions, etc - things we wouldn't share with almost anyone else.

As for the OP, I truly hope you find the right guy.  I'm sure there is someone out there, but it can be hard to find him.  I'm in my 40s and my wife is my first serious relationship so I understand a tiny bit.

[Joandelynn]

Yea, I never understood this either how so many are against a guy liking them because they are trans.

Because some of us see ourselves as women and don't want to be 'othered' before the relationship even started?

[JenJen2011]

Being attracted to our dicks is a major turn off for many so that's why it's a problem.

[AndromedaVox]

I have a few things to say in response to your post, lonelygirl.

First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can see from your avatar picture that you are very pretty and passable so I know that this must be a difficult issue with you since guys are probably attracted to you! I have some experience in this area, but as a post-op girl.

First off, it sounds like your relationship with him was going awfully fast. The fact that he was willing to talk about adopting kids and marriage with you after 2 weeks is somewhat of a red flag to me. I think if those conversations come up too early, they aren't really all that genuine. You can't talk seriously about the future until you really know/love someone in my opinion. Maybe try saving those serious conversations for later.

As for the disclosure of your trans status, I would say just feel it out and tell him when YOU are comfortable. From what it sounds like, you told him in tears and probably felt ashamed and embarrassed while disclosing. I think this makes a huge difference. I have told people I've dated (both male and female) but always told them in a confident manner. "This is my past, and it has shaped me into the person I am today. It has made me stronger and more mature. I am proud of that." Carrying yourself with confidence is KEY. If you want someone to accept you as you are, you have to show that you accept yourself.

As for the question of being post-op vs. pre-op, I can't really answer that. I never dated when I was pre-op but would imagine it would be much more urgent to tell the person, since sex will obviously come into play at some point in the relationship and they will have to know. I would imagine it may be easier for a guy who is straight to accept a trans girl who is post op since they wouldn't have to get used to male genitalia. However, I don't think that as a pre-op girl, there are no men who will accept you. Keep looking! He's out there! Just be confident and radiate self-love when you're telling. That's my advice.

[ToriJo]

As for the disclosure of your trans status, I would say just feel it out and tell him when YOU are comfortable. From what it sounds like, you told him in tears and probably felt ashamed and embarrassed while disclosing. I think this makes a huge difference. I have told people I've dated (both male and female) but always told them in a confident manner. "This is my past, and it has shaped me into the person I am today. It has made me stronger and more mature. I am proud of that." Carrying yourself with confidence is KEY. If you want someone to accept you as you are, you have to show that you accept yourself.

I'd agree with this.  Confidence is sexy (arrogance is not, but that's not what I'm talking about).  Lack of confidence is a turn-off.

If someone came across in tears and been obviously embarrassed/ashamed, I also think that gives validity to the other person deciding that it's big enough to decide to leave the relationship.  If it is said confidently, I think it's psychologically gives the other person less validity in leaving.

Oh, if you are fortunate to live in a place where you can change your legal documentation and have done so, you might leave your driver's license hanging around somewhere where he can sneak a peak at the sex/gender designation and see that the state sees you as a woman - that will help grant legitimacy in his eyes to what you are saying - I suspect most men are like I was and have no idea what to think when someone says they are trans, but seeing something "official" would lend it legitimacy.  Obviously I wouldn't do that if the information wasn't accurate and didn't reflect who you are.  I know, it's lousy that things work this way when other women wouldn't have to do stuff like that.  I hope one day we get past that garbage as a society and people can be free in themselves to date someone that they are attracted to.

[Bishounen]

Why is it creepy for a person to be attracted to something specific about you? Isn't it the same as someone being attracted to redheads? It's just a preference, and we all have them.

Or is there something wrong with being attracted to transgirls?

No, there is nothing wrong at all with being attracted to T-persons as long as you are not attracted to them only because they have a certain "set" between the legs, which yet too often is the only reason why many so called ->-bleeped-<-->-bleeped-<-s goes after T-persons.

Yes, there ARE good ->-bleeped-<-->-bleeped-<-s too, but unfortunately the bad ones give the whole lot a bad reputation.

Between the 00:43 and 2:54-mark, Nikki explains further the too typical problem with ->-bleeped-<-s; ]new update oct 2009

[Annah]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?! Seriously why would you want to admit being trans to a guy? =/

   I think not telling him is a good way to test a guy and see if he's just interested in sex or if he really likes you, make him work for it.   

  If you're not planning on getting SRS in the near future then i could understand telling him, but other then that nah he doesn't need to know my past.

While I do not think you are the only trans who think this, a lot of trans and almost every person you would want to date will disagree with your logic.

Being born genetically male and switching to female isn't like you got chickenpox when you were a kid or that your right foot is a prosthetic. So saying "they don't need to know my past" and comparing it to any other medical condition is very presumptuous when comparing it to transsexualism.

In an ideal world where there is world peace, religious acceptance of all faiths, love abounding to and fro then your logic is sound and makes sense. On this planet, currently, your logic can can get someone killed.

Many men and women do not fully understand the mentality of being a female. The only ones who do fully understand the mentality of transsexuals are "most" transsexuals and their allies. That understanding and sympathy does not trickle down so easily.

Also, there are men and women who have no desire to date a trans. And there is nothing wrong with their specific sexual attraction. If they do not find your genetic disposition as something they can live with then you know it wasn't meant to be.

Hiding who you are under a shroud of "it's none of their business" is very selfish. It IS their business. These men and women who date you puts their hearts on the line to be with you. Many desire honesty in the relationship and if you hold back who you are then you are not being honest with them...and, to me, it shows that you do not trust them enough to take the news and still accept you for who you are. Not to mention, it is dangerous to deceive people when it comes to sexuality and gender. People kill over that sh*t.

To the OP: I do not tell the guy that I am trans if I casually walk up and say hi. However, if there is a slightest hint he is romantically interested in me I do tell him. I have lost guys that way and that is the truth. However, I have also kept guys and I knew before our first date that they are open about me and I do not have to prepare them for "the talk" after they started to fall for me more seriously.

I suggest OKCupid over craigslist. Okcupid is a free dating site and very reputable. I have dated some wonderful men and women from okcupid since "I came out."

[Annah]

  I have to disagree Lynn, by going stealth you avoid all of this. Many trans women have done this, it's alot of work changing all your documents and getting rid of anything that links you to your past, leaving all your family and friends behind etc etc. There is always a chance someone will found out but it's certainly not impossible.

  To the OP, if you're really set on telling guys you date that you're trans then i think your best bet for not being rejected is to wait until you have had genital surgery. Most guys only care about sex soooo if you tell him you're trans but have already had surgery that might lessen the blow with him thinking "well at least we can have sex" it's sad but true. 

That's a complete misnomer.

The only way you can "hide" what you were genetically born as from a guy is by completely separating yourself from your family. Separate yourself from your friends who knew you before (because one of them can slip and mention something to your bf), and to keep him away from ALL and any hospital visits that you have to go to.

Also, I am stealth. My last job saw my prior male name when they ran a criminal background search...and I am legally and officially a female with the legal name of Annah. Don't assume there is a such thing as complete stealth because there isn't. Your boyfriend will find out and when he does, the only thing he will be thinking about is "why didn't you tell me these many years" versus "aww it's ok...it's her business....not mine."

It's your life and you can do whatever you want with it....just be careful giving advice to girls on this subject matter because I think it's unwise advice and it can get someone killed.

Also, to put into perspective: I have not met one transgirl yet who has dated a man or a woman for over ten years where the man never found out...whether through an accident or by her lips. Not one.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Being attracted to our dicks is a major turn off for many so that's why it's a problem.

If a guy was attracted to our dicks, he'd stick around. Men would not waste their time talking to a transgirls unless they 1) didn't know 2) were a ->-bleeped-<-.

If a ->-bleeped-<- is chasing a transgirl, he usually wants to catch her. Men are guided by hormones, not by "oh, she was born male". Most men I've met are repulsed by it and felt I "trapped" them.

Men who like more androgynous features, penises, etc are BI. Straight men don't play around....

[JenJen2011]

I remember this one time I was walking to my car from the club and this straight guy drives by, rolls down his window, and was like, "wow look at that ass..have you had surgery yet"?...I said, "no", and he was like "damn" and drove off.

[ToriJo]

The only way you can "hide" what you were genetically born as from a guy is by completely separating yourself from your family. Separate yourself from your friends who knew you before (because one of them can slip and mention something to your bf), and to keep him away from ALL and any hospital visits that you have to go to.

Also, I am stealth. My last job saw my prior male name when they ran a criminal background search...and I am legally and officially a female with the legal name of Annah. Don't assume there is a such thing as complete stealth because there isn't. Your boyfriend will find out and when he does, the only thing he will be thinking about is "why didn't you tell me these many years" versus "aww it's ok...it's her business....not mine."

I agree about that.  I can think of 10 ways I can find my wife's birth name and what indication was on her birth certificate.  And she's made a clean break from her past, legally done what is needed, etc.  I'm not going to go into how you could find whole lists of people who have done this legally, as I think that would put people at risk - but likewise I think people do need to know that the risk is there.

If a guy was attracted to our dicks, he'd stick around. Men would not waste their time talking to a transgirls unless they 1) didn't know 2) were a ->-bleeped-<-.

That is a stereotype that is not universally true.  Even for guys not attracted to a penis, that doesn't mean every straight guy would leave.  It may be true much of the time, but certainly not all the time.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I should add that straight men if they are going to be with a TS...want someone who is passable, attractive, etc.  Jocks don't typically date "nerdy" girls. The men I typically know can handle some masculine features within a certain level of androgyny. But presentation is the most important thing. I present myself as a babe, as any other girl my age/subculture does. It requires so much work to look like this way and I am fine with it.

I've dated jocks, bros, homies, etc...all guys who are ultra masculine. The kind of guys who would freak out of if they knew I had a penis. I mean I've told men and they freaked out...even men I've met casually in public, I've told and they assumed it was a joke. Men are driven by their hormones... and if they were to date a ts it would be based on their general preference of how a female should look. Having been around fanboys, and not exactly meeting their "criteria"(which btw is unrealistic and WAY OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE). Most men are harsh if a TS doesn't meet a certain standard.

So Lily, men generally are after the female...Not what the female was. American culture sees men who like, date, admire TS's as GAY. It is an unfortunate reality... Men have lost their families, friends, and been assaulted for having relationships with ts's/

[JenJen2011]

Not all but some not some but all.

[lonely girl]

I told most friends im TS, so I kinda asked my straight male friends, in a hypothetical situation, if their GF came out to be trans like me, will they be ok with it... and pretty much I got 1 in 10 that would be fine with it... Chances are really rare