Tired of hearing "if he is only attracted to whats between my legs" / ->-bleeped-<-s

[Jen-Jen]

So yeah what the title says, what's your opinion/ view? Why is it such a difference whether they are attracted to our penis or our vulva?  Discuss

I posted this on another thread after reading this reply

Being attracted to our dicks is a major turn off for many so that's why it's a problem.

Wow,  lets have SRS and have them being attracted to our pussys! Wow that's such a difference! Men are just attracted to what's in between our legs whether we are CIS or Trans period!  , yeah I said it!  They just want to get laid!  Sorry but I hear it from both sides(cis and trans) all the time geez  and its just stupid.

->-bleeped-<-s, oh no ->-bleeped-<-s, there's trans ->-bleeped-<-s, gay ->-bleeped-<-s, blonde ->-bleeped-<-s, brunette ->-bleeped-<-s,redhead ->-bleeped-<-s, virgin ->-bleeped-<-s, chubby ->-bleeped-<-s, etc etc.. Men are ->-bleeped-<-s period so are women ,old ->-bleeped-<-, young ->-bleeped-<-, hung ->-bleeped-<-, get my drift. People chase their preferences, this includes transpeople. I know I do!

Not trying to get smitted or cause problems! This topic not intended to offend anyone, sorry if I did. I just want to see the various opinions and views on this.

Anyways go on discuss!

[Lily]

I see it as no different than someone liking a certain hair color, or even a certain kind of personality. You can't fault people for their preferences.

[stldrmgrl]

I don't totally understand what you're asking, so I'll do my best to answer what I believe you are.

For me, I am highly dysphoric about my genitals.  I would not even think of attempting to date a guy prior to SRS, as I don't feel whole yet.  Therefore, if a guy showed interest in me now (pre-SRS) and was not concerned with (or even worse was attracted to) my genitals, I'd feel major dysphoria and highly uncomfortable as that's not a part of me I want nor want attention drawn to in its current orientation.

[Constance]

I have to agree with this idea.

The main reason I'm facing a divorce is because of what's between my legs now is something that will change. My soon-to-be-ex-wife is only interested in anatomic males. I'm a male-bodied woman (for now). While I have the necessary tool, it's ability to function has been compromised by HRT. She's not attracted to that. It sucks, but it is what it is.

This is one of the ways that sexual orientation works: what is the body? What parts does it have? I understand this at a rational level.

But at an emotional level, I have to ask, "Why does my anatomy determine whether or not I'm worthy of being loved."

[Eve87]

I don't really have a problem with men chasing pre/non-ops. It's not inherently wrong, obviously. The problem is, of course, that that is the last thing in the world I would want to be appreciated for. I also have a problem with the attitude so many ->-bleeped-<-s seem to have... fetishization, shame, insisting on secrecy, etc. Total mess. I'd actually prefer a partner who shares my dislike or at leasts understands and respects the fact I don't like my anatomy.

[Lily]

This is one of the ways that sexual orientation works: what is the body? What parts does it have? I understand this at a rational level.

But at an emotional level, I have to ask, "Why does my anatomy determine whether or not I'm worthy of being loved."

I just don't understand the emphasis people place on their partner's physical body. Having a penis or a vagina to me is like the difference between having an innie or outie belly button. If the personality is right, why let something so minor get in the way of love?

[MarinaM]

They shouldn't care what's in between your legs if you're good, and you don't mind "other acts." 

[stldrmgrl]

If the personality is right, why let something so minor get in the way of love?

It shouldn't get in the way of love, however, making love is the subject of my point of view (above).

[MarinaM]

There is also the matter of reproduction.

[Constance]

I just don't understand the emphasis people place on their partner's physical body. Having a penis or a vagina to me is like the difference between having an innie or outie belly button. If the personality is right, why let something so minor get in the way of love?

Precisely.

It shouldn't get in the way of love, however, making love is the subject of my point of view (above).

There are multiple ways to make love. Genital-genital contact is only one way, although it does seem to be the primary way. I'd been in situations in the past where I had made love with someone and we didn't actually have sex.

But to reiterate, I understand how sexual orientation works at an intellectual level But at an emotional level, monosexuality seems shallow* to me.

* Please understand that this comment is coming from an emotional, irrational point of view. Though I understand it could be understood to be insulting, it is not my intention. Please forgive me if any of you find the "shallow" comment to be offensive.

[stldrmgrl]

Precisely.
There are multiple ways to make love. Genital-genital contact is only one way, although it does seem to be the primary way. I'd been in situations in the past where I had made love with someone and we didn't actually have sex.

But to reiterate, I understand how sexual orientation works at an intellectual level But at an emotional level, monosexuality seems shallow* to me.

* Please understand that this comment is coming from an emotional, irrational point of view. Though I understand it could be understood to be insulting, it is not my intention. Please forgive me if any of you find the "shallow" comment to be offensive.

No worries, you are sharing your point of view and opinions as are we all.
Despite the fact there are other ways of making love aside from genital to genital, it usually leads to that point anyway (and I'd want it to post-SRS).  I don't know why, I just cannot engage in anything sexual in nature pre-SRS...I don't feel comfortable.  But enough about me, moving along...

[Constance]

/* BEGIN RATIONAL MODE */

True, making love often leads to the naughty bits. That's neither good or bad. It's just a thing.

And, it's the way people work. That's why (I think) it's called "sexual orientation" and "sexual preference."  People are often attracted to what's between another person's legs. This is true of ->-bleeped-<-s and non-->-bleeped-<-s.

So why is a person who is sexually attracted to transpersons vilified? A person who is attracted to natal women or men is still attracted to to body. And if the personal ads I've read are to be believed, ->-bleeped-<-s chase what they desire.

/* END RATIONAL MODE */

[Devlyn]

I've been confused since I got here about why we feel free to land anywhere we want on the spectrum, but if someone else does it, they're a dirty ->-bleeped-<-.

[Mahsa Tezani]

So why is a person who is sexually attracted to transpersons vilified? A person who is attracted to natal women or men is still attracted to to body. And if the personal ads I've read are to be believed, ->-bleeped-<-s chase what they desire.

If a man wants a penis. He just be gay... Not go for a transsexual. My boyfriend plays with my penis all the time and between that and his homophobia, I am dating an old gay man. It bothers the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. I could get a younger bi-gay man who is secure in himself. But after Dustin passed, I have no interest in them.

There is a definite taboo/perverse aspect to being trans. I know it took me a long time to get over that.... The surgery adds a whole level of "wtf?" to some people who are trying to understand that. I can't tell you how many of my gay friends I've lost because I gave up being a "sexy top" to be a girl. They are fine with drag queens, etc....

[stldrmgrl]

The problem is, of course, that that is the last thing in the world I would want to be appreciated for.

I understand this.  I am female and I desire to be treated as such.  If a person were to want to be with me because of being trans, I subconsciously feel labeled as "trans" by that person rather than "female".  This subconscious assumed label then implies that the person is also desiring of certain "male" attributes, perhaps, unintentionally invalidating a complete feeling of being female.  Though, this borderlines living stealth, I know, but being and acceptance of being trans in comparison to identifying as trans, to me, are two different things.  Thus, while I personally accept and am proud to say I'm trans, I do not identify as trans, I identify as female.  I hope this in some way makes sense...

[eli77]

I just don't understand the emphasis people place on their partner's physical body. Having a penis or a vagina to me is like the difference between having an innie or outie belly button. If the personality is right, why let something so minor get in the way of love?

Because that's you. Sex is not a minor thing to me. I like girls. I like vaginas. I want a partner to come equipped with both that identity, and that physicality. And to be more clear, I am not attracted to all girls or all bodies, just some. Girls with penises are outside that some, as well as a whole host of other girls, and so far every guy I've ever met. So don't worry, I'm no more disinterested in you than I am in most other people.

But to reiterate, I understand how sexual orientation works at an intellectual level But at an emotional level, monosexuality seems shallow* to me.

Sexuality is shallow. Are you attracted to every person you've ever met? No? Congrats, you are just as shallow as me. And bisexuals leave their partners who transition too, because sometimes they are not attracted to the same things in a bloke and a girl. My ex is bi and transition terminated our relationship.


Which brings us to the original topic. Well, there are a couple of reasons why being with a ->-bleeped-<- is problematic. If they are specifically into your pre-operative part, then it can be an issue if you are very dysphoric about it, obviously. But the main thing is, they have to want more than just that. If that's the only thing about you they are interested in, you are an object of a fetish and nothing more - which is okay if you are okay with that, but some folks find that icky and/or invalidating as a person.

[Lynn]

I think for me, it doesn't really matter why someone's into me, as long as they can understand my feelings and take them into consideration. I am a woman and want to be treated as such, and I will also have SRS at some point.
So with that I don't think a relationship with someone who would treat me as a guy that looks like a woman, or just likes me because I have a penis wouldn't work out. It just wouldn't ... however if we meet because of one of these reasons, but deeper feelings bloom from it ... why not?

[Jeneva]

There are multiple ways to make love. Genital-genital contact is only one way, although it does seem to be the primary way. I'd been in situations in the past where I had made love with someone and we didn't actually have sex.

One thing I have seen is that it is also about the sharing, especially with women.  If either you aren't comfortable with them touching you in certain ways or they aren't conformable touching you certain ways, then it limits the sharing.  Generally I keep my panties on to avoid a dysphoric attack.  Any direct contact tends to make me feel wrong fairly quickly.  So she focuses on my breasts and very rarely can I allow even gentle pressure and stroking on the tucked part.  I have noticed and she has even told me that sometimes she feels she is being selfish and wishes she could share the release with me as well.  Even when I reassure her that I enjoy what I am doing for her pleasure and can almost reach the peak from that alone, she isn't satisfied that I am satisfied.

Now imagine that you are the partner and you are uncomfortable with touching breasts or any other part of you partner's body.  If you can't touch them then how can you share the pleasure?  How is it not a one sided exchange.  Even if you don't mind that, can they accept the imbalance?  It puts them in the weird place where they feel they should do something, but also feel they shouldn't do anything.  No one likes a bout of confusion in the middle of a sacred and loving moment (just as you have when you are treated as your birth gender at that moment of openness).

In other words can both of you respect the boundaries of the other and can both feel they are equally participated.

[Constance]

In other words can both of you respect the boundaries of the other and can both feel they are equally participated.

I guess that's where communication comes into play. What boundaries could one and one's partner not cross? To paraphrase Sarah7, sexuality can be shallow. But the emotional connection could help with that, if such a connection exists. It would be stressful, yes. And the stress of trying to balance that connection against the boundaries of the bodies is one of the main reasons for my divorce.

I don't think it's easy. But, I think it might be possible.

[envie]

The problem with ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s is that they are not into men or women but they are into the discrepancy between your upper and your lower body.
They look up and see woman with breasts and feminine face. They look down and see male parts.
I  find this  similar to blond ->-bleeped-<-s or people of color or what ever ->-bleeped-<-s. They are not into you because of WHO you are but because of WHAT you are.

I dated in the past people of different race, different levels of femininity/masculinity body shape or size. I was attracted to these people for who they were and not because of what they were. I know people who date only Asians or only African Americans. I find that almost equally disturbing with people who'd date only Transsexuals.
One could argue some people love Asian or African American, southern or East Coast culture. But to my knowledge there is no Transsexual culture but only this physical discrepancy between what they see in your face and between your legs.
Now if someone found me interesting or attractive because of some of my masculine/feminine attributes i.e. muscular body or attitude that would be fine with me. As long as they are not hoping to find a penis in my pants but rather are able to handle it's presence or the fact that it will be replaced by vagina one day I am fine.