Any such thing as "moving too fast?"

[fatalerror]

I've had deep-rooted issues with my gender and sex for as long as I can remember, all typical things I've read in stories here and on other similar boards - but I only discovered that other people have experienced this about 9 months ago, and everything started to fall into place from there.

For a good part of those 9 months, I didn't do anything, mostly out of fear, aside from quietly talk to a couple friends online and browse trans articles. Last quarter, I finally got my hair cut in a way that made me comfortable. But after going home over winter break to my family's constant "hi girly-girl!" and "act like a lady!" garbage, I finally snapped. Within the last couple weeks, I've been back at college and far away from them, and I've already gotten a binder, packer, and adopted a more masculine nickname with some people. I was "mistaken" as male for much of my life as it is, and with the binder, I pass even more often. I go to a very liberal arts school, and this is my last quarter - I feel as if it's my best chance to explore myself in a place that's relatively safe. My parents are highly conservative and they throw slurs around at anyone who is even slightly queer, and I felt very trapped and unsafe at home.

But I also realize this is kind of coming out of left-field for some of the friends I know, and I'm concerned about moving too fast? I feel very strongly that I know myself, yet some days the way they react to me makes me feel like I'm trying too hard or something. The thing is, just getting a taste of NOT wearing a mask every day has made it even harder to fake things as a female. I'd like to start anew after graduation but the vibes I get from everyone is that it's too soon and I'm being too hasty, don't know what I want, I'm a girl who's going through a rebellious stage, etc.

I'm not even entirely sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm curious, how "fast" did you guys start moving through this, and do you have any advice?

[Natkat]

To answer your question, Yes there is something as "moving too fast". but it depends from person to person.

the thing is to do whatever feels best for you, and do it when you feel ready for it. some people present themself male and soon after they get on homones or have surgery, others present themself as male and try getting use to the felling before considering whatever or not they would like anything done.

some of the changes you make can be life changins, because of that you also need to be sure, "moving too fast" is when you do those things without having got enough time to consider it, and not having enough time to think about whatever those things would make you a more happy person or not (because in the end thats what its all about).
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so to make it short, moving too fast or too slow, is a question you must ask yourself, because not 2 people are simular, and its diffrent from person to person what we need and what we dont.
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for myself I guess I moved sorta fast compared to my age, I could have moved "faster" but it would have been harmfull cause of some situations, so I need to take the time who where needed. ex I want to have another surgery but since I just got one I am going to wait because I dont think it would be smart to have 2 surgerys right after each other.

[fatalerror]

Thanks NatKat, I want to stay in the presenting-but-not-physically-changing stage for a long while. I'm interested in hormones but not soon, I'd need a lot of time to think about it and weigh the consequences. I don't know that I will ever have any surgeries - but asking for close friends to use a nickname (it's androgynous but that still makes it more masculine than my real name) has scared a few, so maybe I need to pull back. I've told a very small handful of people so far, so I'm not "out" even though I'm passing pretty regularly around strangers (which feels awesome). I can see how it can be very different from person to person. I wish you luck on the future surgery if you go through with it.

And Beverley, hahah that sounds exactly like what I'm experiencing, it's elating to break free of something that's dragged you down and made you so unhappy - in fact it's SO elating that it's hard to contain. I get the same desire to dump my girly clothes, though I've kept them and still wear them from time to time, especially at home, for my parents' sake. I'm too nervous to use the men's restroom but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

I can imagine how hard it must be for others though, not knowing how to take all the changes - even if you are still you (and actually more than you've ever been), the change in clothing and presentation must be a shock for some of them. I'm fortunate I've dressed in mostly male clothing most of my life. It's unfortunate that it's not as easy for those of you who are ladies to do that sort of thing. Working with an in-between androgynous stage sounds like a really good way to help with both their coping and yours. I'm glad it's starting to smooth out for you.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I think the phrase "moving too fast" is relative to each person.

Some folks thought I moved pretty fast because started presenting as male, came out, started hormones and changed my name all within 4 months.  But what they don't know is I had known I was trans for 5+ years, and had been living a lie of presenting as female that whole time until I couldn't handle being someone I was not anymore.  In fact the only difference between when I was presenting female to when I started presenting as male was getting a binder and stopping wearing women's underwear (though I had been wearing those under boxers for the past 8 years. 

If it's right for you, do it.

[therewolf]

If you mean "moving too fast because what if I wake up one day and realize, holy ->-bleeped-<-, I'm not trans" it's fairly unlikely. Move at the rate that's comfortable for you. 

If you mean "moving too fast for other people to handle," it's possible, but you could crawl toward transition at a snail's pace and there will still be people who tell you it's too sudden and they can't deal. Take it with a grain of salt, and make any compromises you think you can reasonably tolerate to save the relationships that are worth the effort.

[Berger]

I think it's entirely possible for people to move too fast, but if you do only things that aren't irreversible then you wouldn't have to worry about it as much. If you're more comfortable going by a male name, then do that, but you don't have to rush into getting it legally changed. If you're more comfortable wearing a binder and you're aware of the damage it will due to the breast tissue that won't be fixed, then go for it, but if you're not sure that you want that happening then stay on the side that makes you more comfortable in the long run.
You don't have to rush into any hormones or surgery (in fact, to be trans, you don't even need hormones or surgery if you didn't want them) and I'd highly recommend against rushing into those because they have some irreversible changes. But just living as a male, if you choose it's not really what you want, you can always transition back to female with ease. Sometimes trans* people start living as male or female and realize that they identify more with being genderqueer, and just needed to start a transition to really discover who they really are.

[Annah]

yes, if someone isn't ready they can most certainly move too fast in transitioning

[Felix]

It's different for every transitioner. I'd watch out for letting yourself put too much weight on how other people feel. I found that some people will always say you're moving too fast or that you should think it over some more. Most people in my own life who said things like that actually came around pretty well when they saw how happy I was when I felt like I could relax and be myself.

[sneakersjay]

As one who went at warp speed, it all depends on the individual.  I jumped off the cliff and never looked back.  Life is amazing now and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Jay

[chan2011]

I think it is possible to move too fast if you're transitioning for reasons outside of yourself (to pass, to feel accepted by others, find a community) . Other than that, I'm not so sure.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I think it is possible to move too fast if you're transitioning for reasons outside of yourself (to pass, to feel accepted by others, find a community) . Other than that, I'm not so sure.

I wonder why you are saying "to pass" is a reason outside yourself.  Transition should be something to make you feel comfortable with you and I think "passing" is a very important part of that to some folks. 

[chan2011]

I wonder why you are saying "to pass" is a reason outside yourself.  Transition should be something to make you feel comfortable with you and I think "passing" is a very important part of that to some folks.

I get what you mean but some people's entire basis for transitioning is based upon how well they pass or they believe they pass (aka if I look 100% that is the only way I will be happy). That isn't realistic for some nor do I think that should be the only basis for transitioning.

[Kyle_S]

Hey

I'm sure that there are some who move too fast. It took me 2.5 yrs to think about everything, do research, etc. To make sure I wanted to go through with it. Its very important to take the time to feel it out and everything. Since then, I'm far more comfortable. I'm going at a much faster rate now, because I am ready. Came out to mom and  definitively to my friends, cut my hair super short, changed my name,  saw a psychiatrist, all in about 6 months.

I agree that some who move too fast as soon as the feelings may hit them, may not be ready. Ride it out for a little bit, and let people get to know you AS you first. Make sure you are prepared for as many things as possible. Life changing decision.

[fatalerror]

Thanks for all the advice guys, it's great hearing things from a lot of different points of view. And I know what you're saying too Andy, I have been fighting this since I was four years old (twenty five now) and it's been miserable. Starting to feel comfortable as myself for the first time has made it hard to slow down.

All of the weight of my decisions seems to be on what other people feel. I would like to be called by a name that doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable, and I'd like for people to maybe use male pronouns within the next year, but that seems too soon for most. I don't plan on any kind of surgery and hormones are something I'd like one day years down the road but it will likely lead to being disowned by my family, so I'm pretty apprehensive about it.

Great to hear how it worked out smoothly for you Kyle, taking the time to feel it out yourself without telling anyone else sounds like it did a lot of good