Two months ago I had a great job, was studying at night on a renowed college, was living with my father in a huge condo and driving my beloved car (may it rest in pieces now).
And almost every weekend I drove about five hours to another city to spend two days with my most beloved friends.
I was happy per say. I lead a good life, was starting to build a carreer but I felt that itch, like I was doing it all for nothing. I simply worked my ass off, studied my ass off but in the core of all this "happy life" I felt like I was rotten.
I couldnt be myself at home, couldnt be spontaneous at work. I delivered, that was good enough for them, but my position demanded a bit of social engineering in order to be productive, so I had to wear masks all the time, and I didn't like that at all.
And in the college I couldnt find a single sould with which I could identify myself with and attempt to start a friendship.
I had to lie to almost everyone I spent my day with, putting up masks and saying I was ok even when I wanted to just stay at home and sleep.
I felt empty.
And one day, driving back from my friend's place, I almost hit a dog while going at 60mph. I dodged it, lost control of the car and flipped it twice. I almost died, the car was totaled. All I got was a bruised ankle and a black eye (miraculously).
When I got back home, I kept asking myself why I was still living with my father and pretending to be someone I'm not just for his sake.
I was alive, practically given another opportunity to start again.
I decided to quit my job and move closer to those two friends, who gave me so much support. I love them dearly, they are the family I wish I had born into.
I just finished moving in, I'm allready looking for a job and I'm planning on starting german classes. But what makes me happier is that I am learning to lose all those masks and act as myself.
I feel like I'm a new person, sometimes I get confused and don't know what to do because I'm not very used to being spontaneous in public, and those two friends notice it and help me out whenever they can.
I feel happier now, and a bit wiser as well. I learned alot these past few months. I'm far from being an accomplished person, but I feel happy with the decisions I made. I feel like I have more energy to pursue my plans now.
And I'm also getting to know myself better, learn what I like and dislike about myself, about my concepts, ideas and behaviour and trying to become a better person.
I learned to value my life after almost losing it. I wish I could post some pictures of the state of the car so you guys could see how bad the crash was. I really was born again after that.
I'm now comfortable with saying I'm bisexual/androginous and defining myself as that as well. I met new people and it felt so great to say that I was bi instead of wearing any masks and steering away from the subject..
