thinking that ill never be the true me..

[Jason623]

sorry i just realy want to vent... im starting to think that im never going to actually get to be the real me.. a man. im just soo broke and such... i work my butt off and have nothing to show for it. and ever since my sister f***ed me over with not paying her part of the bills im just drounding in debt. i want so bad to start becomming who im really saposed to be but it seems like it is becomming a lots dream. i feel like i should just let go of the idea of me actually becoming the real me. its just depressing for me, im sorry. i guess im posting this kind of looking for help or ideas of things i can do to keep my sprits up. any help would be nice. thanks for letting me vent 

[JohnAlex]

I don't know where you live, or what kind of an area you live in.  But over here, there are certain clinics and therapists who work for trans people for free or on a sliding scale, making it very affordable for some people. 
I wonder if there is anything like those in your area.

Maybe there are even just free trans-support groups you can attend.  anything to help you feel supported and better about your self.  and support groups can also point you towards resources available in the area.

[Jason623]

im in hanover pa... and with out a licens for right now 

[Sharky]

Don't give up. I feel like this frequently. I'm 22, make 8 bucks an hour, and live with my grandparents. I could have had an associates by now, but I keep switching my major. It's really hard to pick what you want to do with the rest of your life when you haven't gotten a chance to live it yet. My family is completely against me transitioning. I don't really have a plan for what to do when the T changes become really noticeable. The apartments around here are so expensive even with a roommate. I guess transfer to a university and try to get as much aid and scholarships as I can. I only have a few thousand in savings.

I think that sometimes when you really want something you just have to go for it, regardless of the consequences.

If you can get a ride to Philly you should check out the Mazzoni center. Poor enough and it's free. You will still have to pay for T, but it's affordable.
http://mazzonicenter.org/

[JohnAlex]

you don't need a license.  ride the bus.  it's what i do.  I even have to walk 40 mins to get to the bus stop.

[insideontheoutside]

You're the real you inside though - always will be. What you're disgruntled about is just that you don't have the financial means to change your physical body at the moment. You've got time to do that though. It's not a race to the finish line. You just have to change your perspective a little. Also, HRT isn't the be-all-end-all. It doesn't work for everyone. You can't really predict what your own personal results will be. Take it all in small steps. Do what you can now to feel more comfortable with yourself and save money where you can. Do some research into therapists. Get on an exercise plan (contrary to popular belief you don't have to join a gym and spend money to exercise) that can help shape your body in the meantime. Plenty of stuff to do. This is just a temporary situation in your life that will change (just like everything else in life). Good luck and hope that helps.

[Felix]

I just tried to look up your local lgbt center, and the closest one I can find is in Harrisburg. That seems crazy. Maybe you can't go to in-person trans or queer gatherings.

I definitely second the idea of working out. I do a little bit every day, especially on my arms, and it really helps with my happiness and self-image.

You're very young. Keep that in mind.

[N.Chaos]

This is gonna sound like some bad promotion or something, but keep coming here, seriously. I've got nothing where I am, at least that I know of, so when I found this site it became my 24/7 support group, really. Its not face-to-face, but its absolutely better than nothing. Hell, for me, just knowing that I wasn't going insane and wasn't alone was a massive weight off my chest.

Also, thirding the working out. For anyone, regardless of situation. Its just a massive stress reliever (at least for me).

[driven]

Call your local Planned Parenthood and ask if they offer trans services. The website doesn't list LGBT services for the Hanover location, but it also wasn't listed for my local office and they have a great trans program here. All I've been required to pay so far is $19 for the blood tests and the cost of the T from Strohecker's. They ask you if you want to donate something at each visit, but it's not mandatory.

[hwytoaster]

I can relate. I get depressed about the same thing, being stuck. Even though I got a job, I'm not sure it will last. I don't think I'm good at it. I've always had a horrible memory and you have to pretty much memorize a whole Wikipedia's worth of information and a lot of it verbatim in order to follow all the rules and procedures, and I just can't remember volumes upon volumes of texts, so I'm screwing up a lot. And the 2nd thing screwing me up is not knowing what to say to people that are just dumb, bullheaded and think they deserve everything in the world for free. But I'm trapped because of my bills, and because of my family now that "The Time Has Come" that the slave (aka me) is finally able to perform full slave duty of providing for the slave owner.... *sigh* I had a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday because of how much responsibility they throw on to my shoulders. And F*kk the dude who said I deserve it! What other family has a kid for the sole purpose of being their slave?!? But anyway, I feel really trapped, and I don't know what I'm gonna do from one day to the next. 

[ForWantOf]

Call your local Planned Parenthood and ask if they offer trans services. The website doesn't list LGBT services for the Hanover location, but it also wasn't listed for my local office and they have a great trans program here. All I've been required to pay so far is $19 for the blood tests and the cost of the T from Strohecker's. They ask you if you want to donate something at each visit, but it's not mandatory.

This.

Also, I can sympathize a lot with your situation.
I'm in a position now where it's difficult for me to get a job. I have no license, where I live there is one bus and the bus stop is incredibly hard to walk to (no sidewalks, lots of hills, lots of traffic and narrow, winding roads). Even if I had a license, it'd be one car shared between 3 people, 2 of which already have jobs, and the other is me.
I also dropped out of school and I'm working on getting my GED, but it's a slow process. This makes me less likely to get hired unless I lie on applications, which is sort of hard to do.

All of this is so off-putting, because to get where I want to be (therapy, and eventually on T), that costs money, and a fair amount of it.
It's so hard for me to get a job where I am now, but it's not impossible, so I keep trying.
It's going to be a difficult journey, but you will get to where you want to be, and your hard work will pay off.

There's some sort of quote that I forget because of my horrible memory, but it was along the lines of not letting downfalls defeat you as a whole. Most successful people had lots of failures, but they never let it stop them, they pushed on, and that's how they got to where they wanted to be.
You just have to keep your head up.