Attempted crossdressing, and failed.

[Cody Jensen]

I tried crossdressing for a third time tonight. My dad is out of town, so I dashed upstairs to his closet to try on his clothes. Then I wondered why this doesn't feel right to me. For one thing when I looked in the mirror, I could still see my curvy female hips. Second, when the fabric rubbed against my female chest it made it really uncomfortable for me, and third, it could possibly be because his clothes don't fit me  but yeah. It was actually not a great experience. I want to go and buy some guy clothes that fit me, but I'm soo afraid of getting caught. There's no way I'd be able to hide the clothes, my sister goes nosing around in my closets and drawers all the time, even when I ask her not to. The fact that I didn't enjoy this tonight made me even more frustrated. Because, if I'm not confortable in female clothing, then how AM I going to be comfortable? I'm not comfortable with an androgynous/bigender title because I want to have either a boy or girl label. Also I know sexuality doesn't have anything to do with this, but I am definitely attracted to women. To guys to, but much more to women, I'd rather have a guy body. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHH. Why does it have to be like this?!! Why can't I just KNOW who I am?! And that goes for everything, career-wise included! That just adds more confusion. Which I most definitely DO NOT need. Excuse my rant. Rant over. I think. Maybe.

Btw I also have days where I feel female (not often, but I do, which I feel like they shouldn't happen. But like I said, MUCH more would rather be male. Which won't be happening any time soon). See. My brain and my heart are being pulled in two totally different directions and I don't know which one to listen to. 

[insideontheoutside]

I don't know how old you are, but I would wager it's 20's or under. I'll tell you from personal experience, sometimes it takes a while to figure yourself out. Hell I don't think it was until I reached 30 that I really started to know and understand myself better. It takes experience and trying things. You're already trying things, so that's good. Don't let it be frustrating, let it be an adventure. Finding out more about yourself should actually be a learning process ... things might not all just click into place over a short amount of time (although that's been known to happen too). Just keep exploring and realize that you don't have to have all the answers all at once.

[Keaira]

Well, you're kind of lucker than me, in that, when I was younger and still living as male, it was all but impossible to hide my girl clothes. But these days, there are so many girls wearing mens clothes that you can just hang it in your closet. If your sister asks, just say you liked the style, or color. But, you might want to get an undershirt to wear because, yeah, Mens clothing can be a tad rough.

[Cody Jensen]

insideontheoutside: I know there's no pressure. Lots of people have told me this, but for some reason I have it in my head that if I do transition, I want to do it when I'm young, so that I can enjoy the younger years and such. I might just be paranoid but.

Keaira: I could say that, but then she'd just go "oh, well I really think this cute top would look soo much prettier on you!" It does hurt, especially after having been told by my dad that I "don't fit in with society" direct quote.

[Keaira]

Not to be mean or anything, But Screw society! It's society that has us scared to be us in the first place. As long as you listen to the will of others and not what's in your heart, what you know to be true, you'll just be unhappy. Ask anyone here. I listened to everyone else. I'm 32 now. If I had not been scared to be me a long time ago, I might have enjoyed my teenage years as me.
I'm not saying go become an anarchist, just be you.

Just tell you're sister, "Thatnk you, But I'm happy with my fashion choice."
Eventually you might discuss how you feel with her. Do you think she would be open?

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not." - Kurt Cobain

[Nygeel]

This might be unpopular opinion time but have you thought about seeing a gender therapist (that is, if you have the resources)? Sometimes in trying to figure ourselves out we need somebody else to ask us the right questions, and a therapist might be able to do that. If it turns out that you want to transition via surgery and hormones then your therapist will be able to help you with that.

[Darrin Scott]

Also, know there are more than just male and female. You don't HAVE to fit the gender binary. You could be bigender, genderqueer etc or none of those! You don't have to have it figured out and you don't have to know at this point. Also, it might be uncomfortable because people tell you it's wrong for a "girl" to wear guys clothing. I know for me, it's difficult to overcome that. I mean, I've worn guys clothing ever since I was a kid, but society tells me it's wrong to transition. So, it's difficult. Just take it slow and in time, you'll figure it out. How old are you? If you're young, I really wouldn't be concerned about it. Just do you. I'm 26 and didn't really "know" I was trans until I was 25! So, not all of us know for sure right away and not all of us have known since we were 4.

[TreyLeeGamer]

How often do you wear a shirt without a undershirt, bra, or binder? It might be you're just unfamiliar with the sensation. If so it should be something you get use to after time. You could try buying some unisexed clothing. Shirts are a lot less gendered then pants when on a hanger, and you sister might not notice the pants being for males unless she tries wearing them.

Your sister's reaction doesn't seem too bad, in the long run. While "oh, well I really think this cute top would look soo much prettier on you!" definitely stings, seeing how the comment switch from 'Oh' to the cute top really quickly, it seems that it's something that you might only have to go through once at the lest, a few times at the most. "Oh" is better then "You shouldn't have this in your closet?" Being able to owning male clothing at the price of hearing that comment only maybe one or twice seems worth it, even if you'd prefer not to hear that comment at all.

Also you could reply with something along the lines "Yes that top is cute, but I don't like wearing that style and I think it looks better on you." Show that you agree that the top is cute/pretty (unless you don't, then don't mention you opinion on it). State that you don't like the 'cute' top's style. Avoid saying "I prefer this (male clothing) style" which would bring the conversation back to the male article of clothing, and wouldn't drive home that you don't like the cute top.  The complement at the end helps put the conversation in your favor since now she's the one who needs to respond, and moves the conversation another subject further from the male shirt (male shirt>cute top>sister). She'll probably state that you can pull off the look too. Again acknowledge that she's probably right, but also state that's not the look you 'want'. It should help you see her statement as more of an opinion, less like an attack, and let your sister know your opinion.

[Moonferret]

I've been told several times by several different people that I'm much younger than most poeple who transition. I've been living as male for a year now and I feel better than I ever have. But at first I was terrified of being caught out. I tried really hard to fit in but in the end I got so depressed that people noticed somethign was wrong and it was that that gave me away! I have yet to start T but I've been told it should be within the next year, which is epic
Anyway, my point is, screw society! If I had carried on conforming to the stereotype I had been assigned I'd be miserable and depressed to say the least and Id rather not think about what I might have done.
Start out slow, dont push yourself because that could have the wrong effect. Do what feels natural to you, and dont worry to much about what others think because in the end its your life, not theirs.

[Cody Jensen]

How often do you wear a shirt without a undershirt, bra, or binder? It might be you're just unfamiliar with the sensation. If so it should be something you get use to after time. You could try buying some unisexed clothing. Shirts are a lot less gendered then pants when on a hanger, and you sister might not notice the pants being for males unless she tries wearing them.

Your sister's reaction doesn't seem too bad, in the long run. While "oh, well I really think this cute top would look soo much prettier on you!" definitely stings, seeing how the comment switch from 'Oh' to the cute top really quickly, it seems that it's something that you might only have to go through once at the lest, a few times at the most. "Oh" is better then "You shouldn't have this in your closet?" Being able to owning male clothing at the price of hearing that comment only maybe one or twice seems worth it, even if you'd prefer not to hear that comment at all.

Also you could reply with something along the lines "Yes that top is cute, but I don't like wearing that style and I think it looks better on you." Show that you agree that the top is cute/pretty (unless you don't, then don't mention you opinion on it). State that you don't like the 'cute' top's style. Avoid saying "I prefer this (male clothing) style" which would bring the conversation back to the male article of clothing, and wouldn't drive home that you don't like the cute top.  The complement at the end helps put the conversation in your favor since now she's the one who needs to respond, and moves the conversation another subject further from the male shirt (male shirt>cute top>sister). She'll probably state that you can pull off the look too. Again acknowledge that she's probably right, but also state that's not the look you 'want'. It should help you see her statement as more of an opinion, less like an attack, and let your sister know your opinion.

I like this way about going about it. But I still think she'd suspect something, and I don't want her to!! I remember when we were younger my mom took us shopping and I wasn't sure if the t shirt was for guys or not, so I asked my mom and my sister said (almost snarky) "that's a GUY'S shirt". To this day I still remember that moment.

Caseyy and Nygeel, I am terrified of going to a therapist, and even when I go to my family doctor I can't even talk I'm so scared.

[Epi]

Caseyy and Nygeel, I am terrified of going to a therapist, and even when I go to my family doctor I can't even talk I'm so scared.

It's okay to be scared, it's okay to have doubts.  But sometimes you'll never really what know if you don't throw yourself into it.  Some people though don't realize or acknowledge that they feel a different way and don't transition until much later in life, I don't want you to feel rushed.  You really have the entire world at your finger tips, pick what makes you happy.



Do you have any close male friends who would let you try on their clothes?

[Cody Jensen]

It's okay to be scared, it's okay to have doubts.  But sometimes you'll never really what know if you don't throw yourself into it.  Some people though don't realize or acknowledge that they feel a different way and don't transition until much later in life, I don't want you to feel rushed.  You really have the entire world at your finger tips, pick what makes you happy.



Do you have any close male friends who would let you try on their clothes?

Unfortunately no none that I can trust. I did however find your post comforting, so I have to say, thanks man 

[TreyLeeGamer]

I wasn't sure if the t shirt was for guys or not, so I asked my mom and my sister said (almost snarky) "that's a GUY'S shirt".

Could also be interpreted as your sister feeling smarter then you for being able to tell the gender of that shirt when you weren't able to.

my sister goes nosing around in my closets and drawers all the time, even when I ask her not to.

This is disrespect of your privacy. I don't really know how to help you there besides maybe trying something like "Please stop going through my stuff, if you want to borrow something you can ask." You probably already tried that though. Have you tried getting you parents to help with that?

But I still think she'd suspect something, and I don't want her to!!

Are you sure you Don't want her to suspect something?

Sometime people have a harder time adjusting to the idea that someone they know isn't their bio-gender when there were no previous signs or hints. (It's even harder when said someone went through a period of trying to conform to their bio-gender.)

It's like foreshadowing in stories, People are still surprised by the plot twist, but don't feel like the twist was something that the writer just threw in for kicks. (look up Deus ex Machina)

There's a difference between "I tried on Men's clothes when you weren't home," (I've been hiding a secret from you this whole time) and "Remember the time I was wearing men's clothing?" (the signs were always here, you just didn't notice until now).

Her getting use to the idea of her sister wearing male clothes, could be a stepping stone to getting use to the idea of her sister wanting to be her brother. Being a sister/daughter who crossdresses could be a good way to test the waters on how they will react to you being a guy, since young tomboys aren't as socially rejected.

Worst to Best Case Senario
Parents ban you from buying or wearing male clothes.
Family starts trying to encourage you to be more feminine.
Family doesn't care.
Parents and/or Sister help you pick out male clothing.

Of course this won't let you know if they will be as accepting of being FTM, but it will probably let you catch onto some early warning signs of them being very not ok with it.

Caseyy and Nygeel, I am terrified of going to a therapist, and even when I go to my family doctor I can't even talk I'm so scared.

You don't have to spill your life story to the doctor or even the therapist the first time that you go. For the Doctor you can ask about the different kinds therapists out there (to throw off the fact that you are looking for a gender therapists specifically) and how to get these each of different kinds of therapists. You don't have to say why you are looking for one.

For the gender therapist you get, you can test the waters with problems that you have but too afraid to talk about. This way you can see how well you work with that therapist and get something out of it. You could let them know that you have a certain issue that you want to talk about but won't until you're ready too. Know that you being ready doesn't have to be any time soon.

[Cody Jensen]

"Family starts trying to encourage you to be more feminine."
This this this this this!!! Dad ESPECIALLY. Wow thanks for all the advice.

Yes I'm sure I don't want her to suspect something. I really don't know how she'll react and aside from that my dad is also a total homophobiac.