Scared: should I transition? is there a cure?

[waywardsoul]

Hi all, I'm new here and I am in need of some guidance over whether I should start taking some hormones or not for mtf transition. This is not the first time i have played around with hormones--I have ordered a month's supply on at least three other occasions over a four year span-- but in the past I would always get scared and stop. My biggest problem is this I think i may be mainly an autogynephile and not a true trans.

You see I associate with the world mainly through my male persona and I find that is what i am happiest presenting as, however that said i can only arouse myself by fantasizing about life as a woman. i also have parts of myself that I have tried to repress for years which are non-sexual in nature but are also very feminine. these repressed bits are mainly things like my general compassion, artistic side, and my emotions, as when in my male "character" i am actually very uncomfortable expressing my emotions and will actually go to great lengths to suppress them , even if other people would be fine with me opening up--weird i know. I also get great joy when exploring my feminine side through female characters or online avatars/personas, and honestly i am always very excited about the concept of trying out hormones and seeing the physical changes they will enact on my body--at least in private. rather I would like to see the changes. My dilemma is as i said previously I am also very traditionally masculine and i am involved in alot of physical activities--boxing, martial arts, olympic weightlifting, as well as a physical job-- wherein taking hormones will not only lower my performance but it will also probably lead to strange questions that may out me as I begin to physically morph right before the very eyes of my friends and coworkers. I also know for a fact that my family and friends will not be supportive--just trust me, take my word for it-- and that along with my religious upbringing are really holding me back, along with my general uncertainty.

In truth i am happy being a man so long as I portray some rigid stereotypical caveman capable of great strength and heroic deeds, and it is this need to be a manly man "Wolverine" type of character that wants to kill my feminine side, and myself, for ever shaming my family by allowing this problem to continue to propagate itself in the first place. I guess i am different from most people here in the forum in that i AM ashamed by all this, even internally when not taking other people's judgements into account, as on a certain level i feel it is wrong. I have tried everything i can to change it but I can't rid myself of it. I just don't know why I can't be a real man you know, free of this curse. i feel so stupid, like one of those macho man characters that is secretly a homosexual or a crossdresser in the movies, and because of my own weak-willed discipline i do nothing but continue to perpetuate that stereotype and prove it right. i could not hate myself anymore than this. sometimes i just feel like rending myself limb from limb.

i think  in truth, in a perfect fantasy world wherein God himself gave me the option to be born either a man or a woman i would probably choose woman, but since i was born a man I feel that this is who i am and all that I've ever known so as an adult i should accept it, embrace it, and make my family proud by being the best man I can be-- not by indulging mere fantasies and deviant sexual behavior. I do enjoy many things about being a man and I even enjoy the rough and tumble macho life, yet i can't rid myself of this curse which always seems to haunt me. i don't know if i could face the world if i transitioned as even though i would like to do it and see the changes it would bring about it frightens me that i went against my principles such as honor by instead indulging vanity. why is there such a dichotomy? What the hell is wrong with me anyways?

honestly I'm too embarrassed to even speak with a therapist about this, as i wouldn't want them to get the wrong impression about who I am--funny thing is I'm currently seeing one now too for anger management and some violent altercations. Why is it part of me yearns to be female and the other part wants to be Conan the barbarian and is literally repulsed by anything even remotely tainted by the feminine--sometimes after indulging feminine things I literally feel nauseous afterwards when i come to my senses.

Aside from all that confusion i live in a rough urban environment that isn't too progressive either, so i don't think i would feel very safe transitioning here at the very least. honestly i just wish this would stop..years and years of shaming myself and my family and no relief in sight. not to be too morose but I honestly don't feel at this point I'm long for this world. the only one who can help me is God, and sometimes my atheist streak is very strong and i doubt whether anyone hears my feeble pleas at all. Anyways sorry for getting horribly depressing at the end but thanks to the anonymity of the internet I felt i could be honest with you all regarding this, a pleasure i do not often get in real life. Let me know your opinions about whether I have valid reasons for transitioning or not, and just any advice you may have--unless its about me being mental, as I am fully aware of that one already. thanks in advance.

[kelly_aus]

I know you said you were too embarrassed, but go see a therapist that specialises in gender issues.. They won't give you the answers, but will give you the tools and guidance you need to find the answers yourself..

[Eve87]

My humble opinion:

It sounds to me like your gender or sex aren't quite the problem. Rather you are being suffocated by socially constructed gender roles and stereotypes. It's fine and healthy to let your emotions, artistic side etc run free. it's fine to have a feminine side. It's fine to have a feminine side that's on par with your masculine side. it's all fine. I don't think anyone should ever transition purely because of these gender roles/stereotypes; we can learn to understand and rise above the limitations and "break" our stereotypes without having to change our sexes. You kinda sound bigender with one side being horribly repressed out of shame/fear.

Definitely see a specialized gender therapist, though. I'm not one. =P

[Rain Dog]

It's also very dangerous to order drugs from on-line pharmacies. They are counterfeit and often contaminated. And to be safe, even with genuine drugs, the therapy must be monitored by an endocrinologist.

I also think you should see a gender therapist, and if you decide HRT is right for you, you can get it through the proper, safe channels.

[Julie Marie]

Is There A Cure?

Looking at that question from the POV regarding inner peace and happiness, maybe.  The mind is a powerful thing.  But most of us don't use it very well.  When you look at some of the things people have accomplished through the power of the mind, it says a lot about what our minds are capable of when we take the time to train it.  But that takes a LOT of work.

Should I Transition?

Each one of us has a responsibility to ourselves to take time and do some serious self exploration.  Shut off all the outside noise and find a place where we can ask ourselves the hard questions and be able to answer them without outside influence.  If we can do this, we should be able to answer for ourselves just what we need to do to find happiness.

[smooth]

There's no cure as such. At least there isn't a magic pill or a switch you can flick that makes it go away. There can be an answer though, it's possibly within you already and a good counsellor will help you find it. Transition is an open ended word in spite of what you might hear, it's not as black and white as gender is mistakenly portrayed to be and it has different meanings to different people. You will find a means of dealing with your thoughts and confusion and the first step is going to be speaking to a counsellor who's familiar with gender issues. Best of luck 

[Jen61]

I empathizes with your posting, kind of resonate with my own life experiences, but I am much older than you.

Like you I did martial arts, motocross, etc. My current professional activities are pretty macho and risky ones, good thing is that some bonafide females are infiltrating my profession.

I know it is paradoxical to enjoy our male hobbys/skill while at the sametime have this other persona. My advice is to not separate them but rather integrate them, you are but one.

You said: "giving a choice, I would have chose female," then that is the cure, you have to do what you have to do to transition. Make a plan, star by seeing a therapist.

Good luck !

[Sweet Blue Girl]

There is a cure?
Yes
Slowly getting rid of the sterotypes in wich you built your inner castle and discovering the true emotions that lead your choices, and in the end discovering also if you feel woman or can really live like a man for the rest of your life.

I am messed up, so my words may be not the best, but i feel pain for you.

I walk trough this horrible maze, sometimes seeing light and colours outside, and i always ask to myself, how far is it the end, how many miles. Maybe when i will stop to count the steps on the ground i will realize, I am yet out of it, flying.

[Bishounen]

Waywardsould: It does indeed seem as you would fit the description of aso called 'Autogynephile', as you suggested yourself. Or, as many such people prefer to call themselves, Crossdreamer.

There is a board for this very type of identity, which I will link as I believe that you might find it helpful; http://www.crossdreamers.com/2009/08/ ->-bleeped-<--defined.html

Regarding whether you should transition, only you nows the answer to that. Although, if I would take a guess, I would assume that no, it would probablynot be the road to happiness for you. Although, ofcourse, I could be wrong.
But as you du you like being a guy, that is a strong indicator that becomming fully a woman would not be a recommended solution for you. You would probably be happy initially asa woman, as it would be a new thrill for you, but eventually you would probably miss the guy-part of your identity too much.
Again, I am guessing this.

Perhaps there could be some part-solution in a type of middle way, by, for instance, having some degree of facial feminisation and hair-removal, but otherwise live as you do now. That way, you can crossdress when you want to and yet also being a man when you wish that too.

You could ofcourse also actually transition into a female physically, but continue to live as a man? Just because you are this or that gender or sex anatomically, it doesn't mean that you have to confirm to a certain Gender-role. Think about that.

In any case, I wish you the best in your search.

[Sweet Blue Girl]

There's a cognitive test somewhere in internet, where there are useless but also beautiful questions.

One is, what you feel if someone says you can never be female?
What you feel if someone says you will dye as a male?

Anyway being female doesn't mean not doing somethings, it's what you feel not what you do that makes the definition right or wrong for each one of us.
I hope you get all the support you deserve, i am a newbie here, but i understand that the questions you ask yourself put you in stress and pain, also because the answers yet written inside everyone maybe are not easy to accept, so take a deep breath and relax before anything else, relax,relax relax

A big hug

[Amazon D]

I am a very butch female and well i had to get rid of testosterone to be able to think clearly. If you took spiranolactone which is a blood pressure medicine it won't affect your body but will block the T from reacting in your body / mind.

Its ok to be butch or femme and be the other gender. You have to decide what side best fits you.

Oh you probably need to get a prescription for that.

I also tried the femme role as a post op but i prefer being a very butch female verses a feminine female or male. I am almost 14 yrs post op in a week or so and well i am asexual..

I also love to build stuff which i am right now doing building a rustic old wellhouse to access my handdug well in winter time..

I had no desire to transition to be sexual it was exactly the opposite.. so i can't relate to being autogynophilic..

[smooth]

I have read that radiation can and is used to prevent breast development for some prostate patients who are having to take AA's as part of their treatment. Not sure how well this works exactly as I only stumbled upon it and it wasn't something I was considering. I'm not sure I'd like the idea of radiation myself.... I think tamoxifen or similar might help but I'm not sure, do some research. My first thought with that would be, would it block the psychological benefits of E as well as possibly stopping any breast development. Without doubt it would be wise to consult an expert and you might... find that they'd be a little skeptical as to where you're coming from. A counsellor would be a good first step.
Something to bear in mind. You could do any or all of the things that a MtoF might do and still not present as female. I've made a few changes here and there and I don't present as female at all, I don't even think I could be considered as feminine. I have achieved some peace of mind though which is all I ever really wanted, certainly once I'd seen through the pink mist. In spite of my inner thoughts I'd have made a terrible woman  and that wouldn't have gone any way towards making me happy. Had I had a choice before being born I'd have chosen female every time but that's just a thought that I'm sure Every transgender person has had in one way or another, Aint life a bitch  I don't think the christian fraternity are all that keen on transgender people duetoronomy 22 5 I think having said that if you listened to the old testament I think we'd still be using stoning and offering our daughters up for rape to the sodomites. I think the muslims in Iran or ok with it? My own thoughts on religion side very much with Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens so I mightn't be the best person to ask 

[Joelene9]

Waywardsoul,
  You can still be a man, but cut the funky stereotypes that comes with them.  I never tried to 'man up'.  There seems to be no cure to most of the problems that comes with GID.  The treatments vary and are effective if done right.  You'll need a good therapist that will treat GID and can give your doctor recommendations for the necessary hormones and surgeries. 
  I am a Christian, there is no ban on transsexualism/->-bleeped-<- in the Bible.  We may fall under "eunuchs" here.  Isa. 56. 3, promise of those who please God; Matt. 19. 12, Jesus mentions the 3 causes of eunuchs and exultation for;  Acts 8. 27, baptism of one by Philip.
  Joelene

[Julie Marie]

also to those of you who know, is there anyway someone could  say mitigate some of the truly obvious feminizing effects of hrt--breasts and such--while still getting some of the psychological benefits?

You mean the magic pill?  I looked for that too, for about 57 years.  I never found it.  Like most who fear transition, it's the fallout that we fear the most.  Will I lose friends, family, my job?  Will I be cut off from everything I have come to know?  Will I become an outcast?  And if I do transition, will I pass or be forever seen as a freak of my own doing?

There are losses and there are gains in transition.  I realized the people who walked out of my life were never really in my life.  They used me to fulfill something they needed.  When I stopped being that something, they left.  The people who truly loved me for who I am, stayed.  They are the real family and friends.  The rest were just illusions.

Prior to transitioning I had this constant knot inside me.  Sometimes it got so tight and I wanted the pain to end so badly I would have accepted death.  I lived with that for a very long time.  Now that's gone.  Sure, there are other things that are painful, but nothing that ever causes me to see death as the better alternative.

I learned gender is so intrinsic that it has to be satisfied.  We can't change who we are inside but we can change who we are on the outside.  Living a life under pressure to be something you're not is not much of a life.  People have forever fought to be free.  Our fight for freedom is carried out through transitioning.  When you reach that point where you become tired of turning the other cheek, you will begin your fight.

[veronica nickie]

Hi Wayward soul

I agree with the others, find a good, experienced gender therapist.  A good one will not tell you who you are but give you some things to think about and work on.  I would go to a good dr., and one who has hormone experience, not to get you on estrogen, altho for me it is wonderful, but to look into what they might suggest to bring your testosteone into a more normal range.  Hormones effect our thoughts, emotions and even effect who we are.  You need to know who you are with some semblence of normal testoserone levels.  Also I did not notice where you are dressing up as female, going out as female and having a deep driving need to do that.  I would think anyone would be doing that with some semblence of regularity before you would ever consider estrogen treatments.  I have read and been told some effects both physically and mentally are irreversable after 3-6 months.  Nothing to experiment any longer till you know the real you !

ps  I am a born again bible believing Christian.  I live under a new faith not works/law based covenant which has nothing to do with life style.  It has everything to do with loving Jesus and wanting to follow him and serve him.

Veronica

[smooth]

Hi wayward
That's interesting to hear what you said about your weights increasing as I noticed a similar effect. The difference being that I was taking a strong anti Androgen and estrogen when I noticed this. It wasn't just me either, my training partner who I was usually pretty evenly matched with noticed a difference as well. In short I was giving him a whoopin  this didn't last for long because shortly afterwards I decided to cut back on pushing what were for me quite big weights. I think he appreciated this because he knew I had started adjusting my hormones etc and I think it was threatening his manhood a little. I have my own theory as to why this happened. I think in the beginning my body was producing more testosterone to balance the books as my levels initially would have been all over the place. Once the estrogen had taken over as the dominant hormone I think my own T production just gave up and went to sleep. I'm on a bit of a weight training holiday at the moment as I'm trying to slim down a little but I have every intention of getting back on it once I thin out a bit, it's my prozac, it keeps my endorphines flowing and helps keep me happy.
As far as your hair loss goes have a look at finasteride or better still dutasteride (generic Dutas) I think these deal more with the dihydrotestosterone which is what attacks your follicles and makes the hair drop.... I'm not advocating self medding it might just be useful to suggest it to your doctor and potentially hang onto your hair.
Best O luck

[veronica nickie]

Hi wayward

One more thought I had you might explore is this.  I know the human body tries to balance hormones, such that if testosterone goes up  the body seems to think then so should the estrogen, and visa versa.  Now I have not read this anywhere, and am not suggesting you try it without an endocrine md agreeing it might be worth a short term try.  Here is the thought, maybe they should put you on a low dose of estrogen to see if that might be why so low in estrogen that the body is not able to self balance, therefore a high testosterone level.  It would be interestin!  Also, I have seen via internet a number of therapists after initial evaluation sometimes will put a mtf on estrogen as part of the evaluation process.  They said that if person was a true mtf, they would feel more peaceful, maybe euphoric, less anxious and less depressed.  If not gid, mtf, then they would usually feel anxious, unsettled and violated.  Interestingly estrogen for me did all the good things and more.

Veronica