What's more important, passing as a woman or having a vagina? - a hairy question

[Bea]

I know that for a very long time I would wish that one magical day I would wake up as a girl/woman with a vagina and breasts, but then I woke up from that dream and I am here now...

Over the last month or so I have come out to my wife and have begun cross dressing in front of her and have had 4 counseling sessions with a doctor and have had 1 laser removal session; yes I am much happier. My concern is that I am balding (Norwood scale of 5) and I have to wear a wig. I would like to go ahead and get a hair transplant done before or when I begin my HRT so when I do have to come out to my employer months down the road I will have some hair; even though it'll be short. Otherwise, when I do come out at work, I will be bald one day then wear a wig the next...basically.

My doctor says to me to not worry about the hair, wear a wig and save my money for a vagina... She even suggested that some of my hair will grow back with the HRT.

Yes I am crazy.

- Breanne

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Breanne Rose,

An interesting proposition you pose. However, for my moneys worth, I'd have to put all my money on option 2.

To my way of thinking, a vagina fully affirms not only your choice AND commitment, it should affirm what's between your ears. Now that you have a body that is in total harmony with itself, the woman that you are has to radiate out like a light house on steroids. This attitude and perspective has to be far more important than just a head of hair to pass as a woman.

Being a woman is far superior than passing as one.   Passing implies the possibility of doubt; being, removes any sense of doubt.

Hope this helps in some way. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[lonely girl]

IMHO passing as a woman is 10000x more important. Because 99.9% of the time our genitals are hidden to others. What's the point of having a vag if others don't see you as female outside? I'd personally put srs as my last priority, and spend my money on ffs/plastic surgeries first.

[El]

honestly i dont think i will be happy till i pass and have my downstairs mix-up sorted out

[fleshpull]

Passing > having the correct plumbing.

[Sirenia]

I much rather have a convincing female appearance with male genitalia than being an obvious transwoman who can't pass at a 10 foot distance on a dark night but with a vagina.

Ditto that. Much more important for me to pass without an eyebrow raised than having a vagina and looking like a drag queen.

[Cyndigurl45]

Perception is reality, so passing AND having a smooth crotch (deep root penectomy and castration) are my goals, having a vagina to penetrate would just be a bonus, but that's my situation not for everyone

[Joandelynn]

Too bad that nobody answers the actual question.

The general rule of thumb is to first give the hormones some time to do their work before you get any facial surgery. If you do want to start with facial surgery, then start with the bonework, and do the soft tissue work later.

My advice would be to plan ahead and think very carefully about how you spend your money. You may decide to get later surgeries that make the first surgery useless. For example, getting a nosejob or a hair transplant first may not be such a smart idea if you later decide to get a full FFS.

Also, your perspective may change during transition. Many people who first think they don't need SRS later change their mind. For some, feeling complete as the person that they've always felt to be inside is much more important than passing.

Spend your money wisely!

[El]

Im so glad we have the NHS in the UK. Its crazy the diference in total transition cost over the atlantic :s

[Jeneva]

Dr Z (FFS surgeon) said that he prefers to do a hairline relocation before hair transplants. You will also get some of your hair back so you may want to wait before having either done.  Usually the transplant places want you on finesteride for at least 2 years before doing anything in case you are lucky enough to get a lot of hair back.

Keep in mind that none of this is quick. Even if you had transplants today it would be around a year before it was really filled in. Given that maybe you want to look at some type of custom wig as a temporary stopgap?

[Melody Maia]

I think what is important is very contingent on where you are in transition. I have passed literally from the first time I put on female clothes and walked out my door, but I still worried mightily. I still had work to do and over the last year I've refined my look, makeup, hair, clothes and just general style. I've always known that SRS was important to me, but I didn't hate my penis. However, now that I pass, I am beginning to really resent it. It is the last remaining holdover and I can feel it every day. No matter how many people tell me that I am a woman, that I look and act like a female, that they can't believe I was ever a guy, I know the truth and I die a little inside every day that I am not right. So IMHO, I would agree that passing is very important. However, it is not an either/or proposition. You may find you need both to feel whole, complete and female.

[Korlee]

I think what is important is very contingent on where you are in transition. I have passed literally from the first time I put on female clothes and walked out my door, but I still worried mightily. I still had work to do and over the last year I've refined my look, makeup, hair, clothes and just general style. I've always known that SRS was important to me, but I didn't hate my penis. However, now that I pass, I am beginning to really resent it. It is the last remaining holdover and I can feel it every day. No matter how many people tell me that I am a woman, that I look and act like a female, that they can't believe I was ever a guy, I know the truth and I die a little inside every day that I am not right. So IMHO, I would agree that passing is very important. However, it is not an either/or proposition. You may find you need both to feel whole, complete and female.

I kinda agree with your point of view and understand it the most.  I can pass as well fairly easily but my depression is still hear in spades and all due to downstairs.  I hate it, loathe it, and the fact I know it's there makes it really hard to accept a compliment on how I look.  I just can't bring myself to accept it knowing I'm still not there yet.  Sadly in many ways this paralyzes me from doing what I really need to do.

[Forever21Chic]

  I agree with the majority that passing is soooo much more important. I HATE my genitals but they're not the main source of my dysphoria so to me blending in with my target gender is by far more important then anything else. Some transwomen have very bad dysphoria regarding their private parts so SRS is more important to them and i totally respect that.


  About the hair you should ask your doctor about finasteride or avodart.   

[AmySmiles]

I would say do the hormones first, with finasteride or dutasteride if at all possible because of the hair loss.  The best time to make decisions on expensive things is down the road once you have an idea of the results you're getting.  Making decisions like that up front is a bad idea because our bodies can and do surprise us in many ways after we've been on HRT for a while.

I personally chose passing first.  I had FFS over 5 months ago and have not been read as male a single time since then.  Like Maia, this has made me a lot more uncomfortable with my genitals than I was before I was passing all the time.  I'd have to think on what I'd do if I could only choose one, but thankfully these questions usually resolve to "which one should I do first?" instead.  Only you can truly make that decision.

[Elsa.G]

id say to me both are equally important but to begin with would be FFS. I dont think i could continue living without a vagina though because even if i would be passable i feel like there is something wrong with me still. i am one of those people that has a hatred for that part and no amount of passing or ffs is going to change that- i hate it and want it gone

[Ms Bev]

Breanne.........my opinion....wear the wig a while, stay on hrt.  You have no idea what you're gonna look like this soon.  I look like my old self's sister.  My sister says I look like our mom, and so.....let the estrogen work its magic.  Quite a bit of my hair grew back, until I was quite happy with it.  Now.....I'm unhappy, seeing some new losses.  At the outset, if I had then what I have now, I'd be happy.  We are vain creatures and compare ourselves to our recent selves.  Vagina?  Importance?  It is soo important for me to be universally accepted socially as female, but when changing clothes, showering.....being naked.....I don't look there.  And in a couple months or so, I will.  To me, that says a lot.

[Mahsa Tezani]

People interact with your outside appearance and unless you're frequenting gloryholes.... Genitals are last. But do what you want.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i'm all about pulling sex and gender apart. getting a vagina will not magically turn me into a cisgendered woman, and i accept that is not what i am, not what i ever will be. i do not identify myself in terms of sex. identify myself in terms of gender which is the bigger picture.

[Tamaki]

I would like to go ahead and get a hair transplant done before or when I begin my HRT so when I do have to come out to my employer months down the road I will have some hair; even though it'll be short. Otherwise, when I do come out at work, I will be bald one day then wear a wig the next...basically.

Before you worry about srs or hair transplants make sure you have the money to take care of the hair on your face. If you have any grey laser won't touch that. Make sure you have enough to finish laser then get electrolysis for the rest.

Propecia worked wonders for me and I would be worth seeing if it works you for. Every hair that fills back in with propecia (or similar meds) is one less hair you have to transplant and at the $2 and something they charge per follicular unit that adds up really quickly. HRT may also help with this as well.

If your going to come out to work in a few months time don't expect much from hair transplants in that time. I had mine done 6 months ago and it really is just now starting to fill in but it's way shorter than the rest of my hair. Wearing a wig at work could be a good thing, making a clear break between your old self as a male and who you are now. It may be a bit of a shock but people will get over it soon enough.

I would suggest researching hair transplants in the mean time. It's free or low cost and you'll find out if your even a good candidate. What kind of outcome can you expect with the hair loss that you do have. Will it be dense enough to give you a good look or will it be too sparse to look right. It would be a shame to spend thousands on hair transplants, it not giving you want you want and having to wear a wig anyway.

Only you can decide what's important to you in your transition and those things may very well change as time goes on. I wish you the best of luck.

[MsDazzler]

It is a matter of how much signifinance you attach to having a vagina...

But consider this - if you do not pass but you have a vagina, you always will be viewed as a man with a self-multiation disorder who went and multiated his dick.

Far better to be a passable woman with a penis, and a vagina can always come later, plus even if you finally get a vagina, it is not like you are going to be going around telling strangers, "I got a vagina now! So I am a woman now!"

Plus there is safety to consider as well.. Assailants who clock you as trans may hurt you, even if you tell them you have a vagina - even worse, they might just violate you as well