I am terrified and scared and sad and I am going to cry and cry and cry.
When I was little Christmas was so important. My parents half killed themselves to make it all magical, and to make sure we didn't know how much they worked and went without to make it happen. They did a great job.
At some point (when I was 12?) they stopped caring, though, and I haven't had a christmas I didn't create since. It's difficult, and I'm not sure how up for it I am this year. I'm the only grownup. I'm Santa, I get the tree, I do the cooking, I wrap the gifts, I make sure the power stays on so we can have our pretty lights, and above all, I keep myself together because anxiety or weakness could destroy the magic of it all.
I don't have a boyfriend and my parents don't love me. My kid loves me so much that every move I make is scrutinized and taken as godly. I don't have close friends because I've kept people at arms length for awhile now. I'm tired and worried.
That whining aside, I'm here too for anyone else who's feeling alone this season. The holidays can be wonderful, but they call attention to family and normalcy and comfort, things that not all of us have.
