I just read the following journal entry from my girlfriend (with her permission) and I can't stop crying.
I'm a 6'2" woman. I stand out. I'm too tall, my hips are too narrow, my chest too small, my shoulders too wide. My hands are too big, my face is too angular. The Irony: The only part of me that I like is my butt, unlike every other woman on the planet; but that's probably because I can't see it well enough to criticize it.
When I was oh, say 14 or so, that was when the dreams and desires were really at their strongest. See, I have ADHD. Was diagnosed at 6, and like every other 'problem child' back in the 80s, they put me on Ritalin. Ritalin has the side effect of stunting one's growth. So as a 14 year old boy, I was short for my age, maybe 5'8"-ish, and 80 lbs. I had no body hair to speak of, not even the hair on my legs was dark enough to notice, to say nothing of shaving.(I'm brunette, so you -ought- to be able to tell hair is there!) Needless to say I was bullied. Who wouldn't kick little Joe around, it's not like he's going to fight back. And even if he does, anyone should be able to kick his ass. The boys would say anything to justify themselves. Since I didn't have a girlfriend, the boys claimed I was gay. Beating up "the ->-bleeped-<-got" was a daily routine. Needless to say, my naturally introverted demeanor didn't attract women, and the claims that I wasn't into them anyway kept them away. Not having a girlfriend was 'proof' that I was gay and justified bullying. I cried myself to sleep so many nights back then. I wished, dreamed, prayed, that I could wake up with a different body, a different past. That I'd wake up to a pink room, my hair in pigtails, gasping in horror at the thought that I could have been born a boy. Even back then, there were treatments to change one's gender. But I knew that it amounted to mutilation. And also I knew that if by some miracle that I could be a girl, that I wouldn't fit because I'd be expected to date and get married - to a man. A man. That thought terrified me. Ironically, despite the bullying based on my supposed orientation, it didn't really enter my mind that there might be girls who like girls. That I could in fact be a lesbian if I were female in body. Such things just weren't done! It wasn't remotely acceptable. So even if my parents had had Amber instead of Joe, their sweet little girl would have been "abnormal", "sinful", an "affront to God". I just can't win.
She's in so much pain and I can't fix it! I want to go break her abusers kneecaps I'm so angry. I love her so much and she's so beautiful and she can't see it. When we go out in public, she slumps and tries to hide. She's an amazing, vibrant, intelligent, beautiful woman and I can't seem to convince her of that. What do you do when you are ok with your SO but they aren't ok with themselves? What do you do when they're hurting over something "unfixable"?
