*Ativan, disguised as normal, does a quick fly by on LordKat, yelling "Look at that!"*
*While distracted, quietly takes the rails and runs off in another direction...*
*giggles, knowing Devlyn hasn't figured out what LordKat is up to...*
*Hides behind tree in forest*
I am Ativan Prescribed for a reason. Anxiety is not just my middle name.
I have tried everything, more than a couple times.
As someone who's rule is to not take any kind of med at all unless absolutely necessary,
I have finally, after over a decade of struggles including emergency airlifts for attempted suicides,
for reasons that have left even the strongest dead, I have found my solution.
Where most people settle for a constant dose of meds I refuse.
Ativan, the med, is usually prescribed in 2, 5, 10, and even 20 mg doses.
I carry .5, yep just 1/2 mg tabs. So small of doses you'd think they were ineffective.
But they are, you just can't feel them. You can always take more if need be.
Yesterday was a bad enough day that people were scared for me. It happens.
I did work my way up to a dose that started to calm me down.
I also have Klonopin, works slowly, but lasts longer. Again the smallest dose you can get.
Knowing the Ativan wears off rather quickly, in just a few short hours at the most, I took some Klonopin.
It took a triple dose of what I usually take.
But even still, all calmed down and able to talk about it, I was good to go after a few hours.
I even made dinner for us all, Enchiladas baked over rice, a huge Mexican salad, and various cut up fruits and such.
Wielding a huge chef knife and several others, and timing it all out to a moment of simultaneous prepared and done.
True, I did take stronger doses of meds than usual, but I didn't over do them.
It wasn't until I was done with cleaning up the aftermath of a great dinner, that I opted to take more Klonopin.
It takes longer to start working, but wears off rather slowly, in a tapering off kind of way.
Still within the legitimate range I am allowed. Not high on drugs, just used them as a tool for anxiety.
Anxiety meds don't work from the bottom up, like alcohol and such.
They take it from the top down. By using the smallest possible doses, I have control.
Yesterday was wild, it took strong measures. It happens.
I deserved a little numbness to quiet the last of the insanity.
I didn't break anything, I didn't maim or kill anyone, I am still alive.
I am quite effective and capable of leaving a trail of mayhem behind me.
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and use the evils of modern medications.
But only in doses you can control, to stay in control, in a way that only you know what is best for yourself.
Today I am rested, looking forward to taking another trip to the same place for another appointment there.
I am good to go. I have control. I know that I will maintain control, regardless.
Which is the point of it all for me. To maintain a state of accepted normal is good for everyone.
I often think how much better the world would be if people just stopped giving into their fears.
If it takes meds, so be it. Virtually all negative aspects of our lives are driven by fear.
All of them can be broken down to it. Anxiety is the friendliest aspect of fear, as odd as that sounds.
You either face it and knock it down, or you simply alter your brain enough to control it.
Either way, you get rid of it. While I prefer to face it head on and kill it, somedays I need help.
People shouldn't have to be in a state of unwarranted fear because of my anxiety.
I know what that feels like, it is the root of my own.
Ativan.
I won't say a word about it to Devlyn. Your secret is safe.
