feeling down

[Torn1990]

  I have been warring with the mirror every day for so long and it gets really exhausting: emotionally and physically. Even though i start the hormone process in about 21 days It still feels like forever away because everyday has just been so uncomfortably depressing. I some times can't get any sleep at night, like tonight, because I spend so much time thinking about my looks and how uncomfortable i am in my body... I can't even keep my eyes shut or body still.
There have been times in my transition where i have been somewhat content and could mask minimal sadness, but lately I have been so impatient and I feel like i'm not transitioning fast enough.
I wish someone could help me learn how to put on make up..I watch youtube videos, and put on some eyeliner but i don't know what foundations suits my skin or in general what looks good with my face.
I have been growing my hair out but i've been hating every inch. My hair is horrible, let's just say that.. it's curly, really thick, very dry and frizzy. I bought some extensions as you see in my avatar, but in real person the extensions don't match the terrible texture of my hair, so I can't wear them out. I spend about an hour and a half every morning trying to make it look okay like I'll straighten it, put in product, brush it, style it, and it just looks dry and horrible. I've been taking prenatal vitamins and biotin to grow it out and i hope after the awkward stage i can do more like thin it out and make it look okay, but right now it just makes me hate my life, which sounds pretty low but my hair is an emotional subject for me.
Also i've been really focussing on my facial hair that will never "really" go away no matter how close the shave everyday.. I'm thinking of getting laser soon, or should i get electrolysis? I don't know.. anyway, i'm going to try and sleep hopefully I will..
I feel crappy for complaining but i thought i would reach out or vent because it's been really weighing on me lately.

[Cindy]

Hi Torn,

Best thing we can do is vent.

I've had laser and it went really well. Made a big difference. I no longer shave the face. But get good advice from the people doing it. Mine were nurses who ran a POC clinic., I was the first 'guy' they had tested. They were totally and utterly wonderful. I still need to go back especially for the upper lip, but they are awesome. Love them to pieces.

The mirror lies.

Mirrors do not know truth.

They lie to us we lie to them.

We have to think bigger than mirrors.

Have you been out FT?

How were you accepted?

OK I'm pretty close to FT but I still deal with stuff. It is all in the mind, I haven't had a bad external experience.

Can I lay down a universal truth about being TG?

No one of any importance give a s**t.

If they give a s**t they are not important.

Takes a while to know that.

Live your life. enjoy it and do good when you can. Ignore the stupid and silly people who do not think. They are so unimportant.

Your hair do what we all do. Go to a professional and ask. if they insult you get rid of them. Your make up, the same. I now 'live' in salons, my hair, eyes, eyebrows, nails, laser., waxing. are all done by professionals.  No one has refused me. I'm happy to walk out if they did, their choice. But I pay them. Magic words, I pay them.  And to be totally honest not a one has had a problem with TG issues.

But I'm polite and friendly

Easy
Cindy

[Rabbit]

~hugs~ You gotta slow down! Transition is going to take a long time... changes take 2-3 years to happen with hormones! (even longer for some things).

Take your time ... go slow... learn about things and try things out as you go. Like, keep playing with makeup now and then. Or start looking at new styles. But, generally, you just gotta wait.

I hate my hair too (it falls in my face and has been in a really ugly stage for a LONGG time.... I ignore it when I'm out, and just put a headband on when I'm home). But, there are definitely worse things than having thick hair Wait till you have it grown out...then you can really do some amazing things with styling and different types of cuts ~jealous~

Here is me before and after 8 and a half months of starting hormones. In person I'm mostly always seen as male ... and I avoid any female clothes or headbands or things in public... but, meh, just gotta sit and wait. Whenever I feel down about how I look, I just keep telling myself over and over it will take a while... I have to wait... what I look like now doesn't matter...

IMO the worse thing a person could do to themselves is trying to transition faster than their bodies are...we are already so sensitive about how we look... having others judge us because we don't pass would just make it worse.

[justmeinoz]

I seem to pass ok, but still avoid mirrors as much as possible. 

Cindy is spot-on about the professional help.  If you find a good hairdresser they can do wonders, and once you have the right make-up you don't need much further help until you no longer have facial hair to deal with.  Laser works wonders, I still have to shave the grey hair that doesn't get fried, but it is a lot less noticeable and I don't often use foundation much any more.  Some days i don't bother shaving.

Take things one step at a time and move to the next when you are satisfied with your current stage.  It's a long process, but then you are trying to undo many years of damage due to Testosterone.  Try and go easy on yourself and give yourself a kiss every time you pass another stage of the process. 

As for other people, they are generally so wrapped up in their own problems amd insecurities they don't really notice us most of the time anyway.

Give yourself a hug for being brave enough to have begun transition.  Most people I come out to have said how brave I am.  I see it as simply doing what is neccessary, but if they want to look at it as bravery, I'll take the compliment.

[annette]

Hi Torn

So recognizable, we were all impatient.
Once the desicion of transition is made, it has to happen fast.
Preferring yesterday before tomorrow, but.......it doesn't work that way, as we all know.
The last thing I will say is be patient, that's no option.
But, you can look forward, imagine how you would be, and every day you will come closer to that goal.
In the mean time there is a lot of work what has to be done, for example the facial hair, the voice, the walk.
You can start with this, I know it's a long way but you have to start somewhere and today looks a good point to start in my eyes.
Don't wait till everything is gonna happen, you must be the first one to move.
Think about a year from now, what can be achieved, a lot i think.
I hope to see a post from a girl who has made an enormous progress next year.
And remember the wise words of Cindy:

No one of any importance give a s**t.

If they give a s**t they are not important.

Takes a while to know that.

Live your life. enjoy it and do good when you can. Ignore the stupid and silly people who do not think. They are so unimportant.

You will learn that indeed these are wise words, just live your life, and i hope you will have a smooth transition, the same thing counts for Venus, who is in a simulair situation.

Keep faith in the future, the future will be here before you know it.

Hugs
Annette