Jealousy

[chimera]

Ok So I'm very new to all of this and my wife who is mtf went out yesterday all by herself for the first time as herself. It went super well actually and I'm very proud of her but she went to the store and ended up spending 2.5 hours flirting with some random guy who stopped her to spit his game. I'm trying so hard not to be upset because I know how much of an ego boost this was for her but it really scares the hell out of me not too mention makes me amazingly jealous. The part that bothers me most is that since she got complimented from him it means more than all of the ones I shower on her daily. It kind of makes me feel invalidated and she says that I don't count because I'm the wife and I don't want to be mean. I will though I am honest when she asks my opinion on how she looks and dresses and what not. Also we have been together for fourteen years and I'm a cis female so it makes me even more uncomfortable that he is male considering she is lesbian. How can I be supportive without being hurt in the process? Sorry any advice would be helpful. How do you handle situations like these?

[Mews]

Hi chimera!

I'm a very territorial woman, and I have a bit of a jealous streak so I can relate to you. In this case I think it was more of your wife being happy other people find her as attractive as she envisions herself. She's happy she "passes" and it probably makes her feel normal. These people aren't going to be biased and see only her appearance. Of course people can take things for granted, and maybe you need to let her know how your feeling. I think in this instance though it seems pretty innocent.

Either way if you keep feeling this way I'd say something.

[chimera]

Hello Mews,

Thank you for responding. I hate to rain on her parade. She is a total sweetheart and ridiculously shy so I can just imagine how she felt. I'm usually not the jealous type so its a difficult emotion for me to stifle. I know that she is just reveling in her new found confidence but I am becoming more and more insecure. Is that normal? I don't know.... Anyways, thank you for responding and being so optimistic makes me feel more at ease.

[Mahsa Tezani]

My b/f gets jealous over everyone. Would make more sense if I was his primary woman...

But I'm his mistress.

[Sevan]

*puts on spouse hat* I think that transition can really destabilize the way we feel about our relationship. As such, someone else showing her affection can maybe cause you to feel a level of jealousy that you wouldn't other wise feel. I mean...if her sex can change...can her sexual orientation too? It's scary! It's ok to acknowledge that, and put voice to it.

I don't think it would squash her confidence to express your jealousy with a decent mix of logic (such as you've expressed here) that you understand why she'd be delighted by the compliments and attention, that you understand she has no real control over what attention others show her, but that jealousy (and in fact, no emotions...) isn't a logical thing, and you've got to get it out so it doesn't eat you up. Honesty is definitely the best policy, especially when expressed in a loving way.

[cynthialee]

Hello,
First I would like to say that chances are this is an inocent situation and there is nothing to fear.

You are the spouse, you are required by contract to be nice and say nice things.

Anything you say while it sings to the heart can be hard to take to heart. Your words are suspect in that you are the last person in the world she figures will say something that is likely to hurt her.
I have this issue myself. My wonderfuly awesome and epic spouse Sevan can tell me till ze is blue n the face how pretty I look but there is always that worry in the back of the head that says 'Sevan is my sweety most, ze see's me through rose collored glasses'.
I don't want it to go there but it does.

As to the man flirting with her ...
You know very well how much a woman vests into her apearance and her percieved value to men. For right or for wrong (trust me its wrong) we all do it. She is a woman who has soaked up all the same messages about being a woman in this culture that every other woman has. This man flirting with her was a validation of some form. A man paid attention to her.....probably the first time in her life. Think on that for a bit.

Anyways...
She does not know all the girl rules of engagement with strange men. She can get herself in a bad situation very easily as she is not aware of the red flags to look for in guys. This would be a good area for you to fill her in.

Best of luck.

[chimera]

Thank you for your reply. I can see how that logic works. I've actually voiced those exact feelings to my wife about her sexual orientation. After that she explained that had she been born female and if she could have transitioned before me that she would be with a man. She claims to be lesbian and for all intents and purposes I believe her. Its just difficult to not feel somewhat insecure at this point. I did mention my feelings about the jealousy and first she laughed at me and said she couldn't understand why I was upset. She is very innocent and naive sometimes so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Still I'm an emotional wreck worse than I ever was when I was pregnant. Hopefully this passes swiftly. Anyways, thank you for your reply.

*puts on spouse hat* I think that transition can really destabilize the way we feel about our relationship. As such, someone else showing her affection can maybe cause you to feel a level of jealousy that you wouldn't other wise feel. I mean...if her sex can change...can her sexual orientation too? It's scary! It's ok to acknowledge that, and put voice to it.

I don't think it would squash her confidence to express your jealousy with a decent mix of logic (such as you've expressed here) that you understand why she'd be delighted by the compliments and attention, that you understand she has no real control over what attention others show her, but that jealousy (and in fact, no emotions...) isn't a logical thing, and you've got to get it out so it doesn't eat you up. Honesty is definitely the best policy, especially when expressed in a loving way.

[chimera]

Hello,

Thank you. I do believe its innocent that's why its so important to work out a way where I don't blow this out of proportion. I guess my biggest problem in all of this is me as opposed to her because I let it get to me in a negative way when honestly she has given me no reason whatsoever to question her intentions. Still, the thought of random guys wanting to flirt with her lights a fury in me and I want to go rip their eyes out. Oh and by the way she is the female in this relationship. Although I am female she behaves more feminine I'm the one with all of the masculine characteristics. She's always been the weary one with boys because she wants to keep them away from me. So I know she knows how boys are and can be because she has warned me about them on numerous occasions.... Thank you for your reply.

Hello,
First I would like to say that chances are this is an inocent situation and there is nothing to fear.

You are the spouse, you are required by contract to be nice and say nice things.

Anything you say while it sings to the heart can be hard to take to heart. Your words are suspect in that you are the last person in the world she figures will say something that is likely to hurt her.
I have this issue myself. My wonderfuly awesome and epic spouse Sevan can tell me till ze is blue n the face how pretty I look but there is always that worry in the back of the head that says 'Sevan is my sweety most, ze see's me through rose collored glasses'.
I don't want it to go there but it does.

As to the man flirting with her ...
You know very well how much a woman vests into her apearance and her percieved value to men. For right or for wrong (trust me its wrong) we all do it. She is a woman who has soaked up all the same messages about being a woman in this culture that every other woman has. This man flirting with her was a validation of some form. A man paid attention to her.....probably the first time in her life. Think on that for a bit.

Anyways...
She does not know all the girl rules of engagement with strange men. She can get herself in a bad situation very easily as she is not aware of the red flags to look for in guys. This would be a good area for you to fill her in.

Best of luck.