No sex drive, is it me?

[Eliana]

Hi everyone!  I'm the partner of a MtF womyn, consider myself gender-aware, and I'm having issues with her transition I'd like to get feedback on if at all possible.  I knew my girlfriend was transgendered when we started dating, and since I'm queer myself figured the only issues that would affect me were financial ones, but that turns out not to be the case.  When we first got together I didn't foresee how changing hormones would affect her emotions.  Due to losing insurance she has had some issues keeping up the dosage of her testosterone blocker and estrogyn delivery.  When she stopped taking her testosterone blocker she became a whole different person; she screamed and me and threw things around the room.  Now that she is taking the testosterone blocker, but sporadically, she doesn't want to have sex at all, or even make out.  She used to want it every day, now she says I shouldn't try to seduce her because it makes her uncomfortable.  We weren't doing anything that involved her genitals, so it's not that, but there are still ways I can get her there without that kind of contact.  She does't want to make love to me either.  She says it's because her hormones and all out of wack and that it will come back, but that aspect of our relationship just disappeared.  She claims to still be attracted to me and to only want me, but she doens't want me at all and every intimate way we used to touch is gone.  I express romantic feelings in several ways but one of them is making love, now I can't express that at all, and it's very frustrating--more so emotionally than sexually.  Does anyone else have experience with this, whereby the lack of a sex drive doesn't mean it's over or your partner doesn't want you?  Thanks in advance.   

[cynthialee]

As an MTF trans gal I have this issue come up occasionaly. It comes and goes. It sucks when it is there but it is what it is.

When your body is not right any attempts at sex can be fraught with issues. No matter what is happenening or not happening in the bedroom it isn't what she needs and wants. Every touch and kiss in the bedroom reminds the transsexual woman her body is wrong. Only when she becomes post op is she likely to be able to leave these issues behind.
Also anouther issue is that becoming sexually stimulated typically will cause an erection. This might not seem like a big deal to those who do not have this condition but trust me it is not pleasent for a transsexual woman.

Getting her on a stable HRT regimine that is properly monitored by a doctor is really vital. As long as her hormones are all over the place she is going to be volatile.


best of luck
I do sympathise completely.
Not only am I trans, my spouse is also trans, so I understand from both angles many of these issues.

[Eliana]

Thank you for your reply!

We have talked about erections; but she's not getting them right now and still doesn't want sex. We have had long periods of time where she is very sexually open; I guess part of what helped that was I always knew she was transgendered but when we met she wasn't presenting as female, so I encouraged her to do so, knowing that would make her feel more like herself (and also I'm more gay so in a way it was also selfishly motivated) and always tried to make her feel like a woman, and tried to experiment and find out what she liked in bed, cause how could she know?  She's been having sex like a man before, and had just discovered why that didn't feel as good as she was taught to believe it should.  For most of our relationship I could seduce her in five minutes, and we'd had a very fulfilling sex life, even with her knowing her body is wrong.  She even sleeps naked next to me sometimes, knowing I hardly notice that she has a penis, cause I just don't think of her as a man.  I assumed she didn't want sex in her last relationship because her previous girlfriend wanted to have heterosexual sex and engage her penis, whereas I honestly would do anything to please her but was relieved she didn't want anything to do with it.  But it turns out that she might wind up not wanting sex with me for months and there is no telling when it will be back, and she's telling me it's not because I'm not attractive, but having it switch off like this is confusing, because I thought I was doing everything right and being supportive completely.  She says I can go out and find someone else to sleep with but I'm not going to do that, because I love her, and frankly, what having sex with her gives me is not something I can get from anyone else (the romantic connection is more important to me than the thrill of sex itself).  It's making me feel unattractive and like she may be falling out of love with me, though she insists that she isn't and I know I have trust issues, so I'm trying to believe her but evidence suggests otherwise.

[cynthialee]

You have my sympathies.

Personally I am able to suck it up and get into it but it can be so very dificult sometimes. Many times it will result with me in a ball of tears instead of passion. Knowing I run this risk does not endear me to want to find out if it is going to be a good day for sex or a bad day. The overrideing attitude is that I would rather not risk it.

When I was wearing the male mask and playing the social male part allot of my persona revolved around male sexuality.
I desperatly tried to screw myself into manhood. It isn't a rare behaivior amongst trans women it is uncomon though. When the mask came off all pretense at male anything was gone including the artificialy created and forced sexuality of a man I was impossing on myself. In a way it is self rape. This droping of the entirety of the male mask and all its acutriments including male sexuality is not uncomon at all.


anyways...
I am tired. I hope I didn't ramble to much.

I will check on this post tommorow morning when I am thinking clearer.

[Eliana]

I will share this with you since I am anonymous on this site.  Since starting HRT my girlfriend can redirect her orgasms to her breasts, so I can make love to her without touching her penis.  We tried once, just to see what it would feel like, but stopped after about 30 seconds of me noticing the distant look in her eyes, and asking if she felt anything at all from it.  She said no, it was just unpleasant so I insisted we never try that again.  She insists that her orgasms are much better now that they have nothing to do with her penis.  Have you tried exploring your body, trying to see if you can orgasm other ways?  Sorry if that is a probing question.  I grew up in too much information family and as a result I have no verbal boundaries.

[cynthialee]

yes