Hi everyone,
[Addendum] This is going to be long. It's definitely too much information and possibly in the wrong forum, but I don't really know what to do. I need to get it out there, and this is the best way to explain myself as a coming-to-terms MTF identity crisis -- from the beginning. I hope you take the time to read through:
I'm not sure how to start this. I guess a good idea would be how I got here. I haven't read many posts yet, but I will definitely go through them. That's what brought me here, you see... as long as I can remember, I have had something nagging at me from the back of my mind. Something has never felt quite right, and I've always known what it is, but I guess I've been trying to "grow out of it". I'm coming here in hopes to find some people who can understand. It's kind of a clean slate, and that feels right.
Well, here comes the introduction, I'm a 23 year old boy living in Ohio, going to college in my third senior year with a double major. I have good grades and I like to do well in college, but it seems I haven't been truly happy in a long time, even with all that I should be happy for that's going on. Since as far back as I can remember (I'll put the date at 5 years old). I've had the nagging feeling that I should have been born a girl. When I was younger, I was convinced that my parents had given me a sex change right after birth to have a son (if that's even possible) because I have an older sister by 5 years and they didn't want another. I was quite the paranoid kid I guess you could say. Just after that, there's a home movie that documents me having the feelings I have, pretending to be a girl and thanks to my older brother, I grew up in extreme denial of it. (but hey, that's what older brothers do to younger brothers, right? It's written in their contract to tease :p) but it seems like every birthday, shooting star, 11:11, or any other wishing superstition, that's what my wish was for. The repressed feelings persisted and I would dress up in private as I could, to make sure I didn't get caught. I liked the feeling and I liked how I looked, even though how masculine I actually am. It felt good.
Now, fast forward to present day. I had been dating a girl for 3 years and our relationship fell through recently with a big contribution from the stressed caused by school and my incessant depression. This has caused me to re-evaluate my life. What major I am choosing, where my career will take me as well as what makes me feel so damn sad all of the time. This past semester has been my worst yet. I dropped into the only thing I could ever actually call depression from what I've read about it. The rest of my life was nothing compared to this. I had suicidal thoughts almost every day and even tried (not very successfully, thank god) a few times. I stopped going to class for the first time in my life (I have a strong sense of appreciation for school), but thankfully, I still was able to make most of my deadlines.
This experience got me to be involved with a group on campus that just started up that I had always believed in, but never had an opportunity to lend my help, due to a lack of information available to me or lack of organization in my area. The group's called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and they are an anti-suicide and anti-self harm, substance abuse and anti-just about every other thing that plagues people these days, mentally. It is a safe place, and I have begun to reach out to people who have felt sad like I have. I'd even go to saying that I've helped save a life through heartfelt conversations over Facebook. It was a good feeling, but it didn't reciprocate back to me. I still felt the same, though much more purposeful. (When my best friend from childhood came back into town on leave from Afghanistan, we all got tattoos. I got "Here's to life" in Romanian tattooed on my arm, where I had cut many times before, as a reminder of what I have to live for and a promise to never do it again. It's saved me from it many times since.) The people in my life are amazing, and they have always been there for me in my darkest times of depression. I am truly lucky to have them.
Then I began to think about my ever-present unease with my existence. I started looking up information on transgender transformations, and what it really is all about. How would these wonderful people in my life react if I told them I felt like I should be a girl? This is uncharted territory. Heck, I'm not even sure if that would be what I want. It's a big decision. Anyway, I was watching the many documentary stories of hormone treatment on YouTube and they were very inspirational. I teared up a few times at the stories, knowing that I could relate to the problems some of these guys now girls had to deal with in their past. It was amazing seeing how happy they were after 8, 10, 15 months or as far as 2 years or so. So, with these thoughts in mind, I'm coming to forums, anonymously looking for help, support and looking to find ME.
I guess you could say that last night, I came out to myself. I stayed up all night watching these videos and writing a report for school. Looking at forums and just checking all around. Tell you what, it was an intense experience. After seeing a video of a story that reminded me so much of myself, I cried a little bit and actually felt something break deep down. I took a deep breath, and went to sleep for about 2 hours. When I woke up, I felt renewed. It was the first time since I can remember that I held my head up high, walked confidently (with a bit more of a wiggle in my hips if I do say so), and felt... happy. It was a huge rush and a big relief. I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror and meant it. I don't know if that communicates, but that was huge for me. It felt like I was looking at myself. Even one of my students (I tutor math in college by the way as my job) asked me "Did you get taller?" And, well, I felt taller. I'm sure I'm kind of known for being a sort of a sad sack so I replied "I don't know, I guess I'm just standing up straighter than normal. I've just been in a good mood all day today for some reason, contrary to the norm." So, today was a good day.
I just came back from a night out with friends, it was a female tutor's birthday tonight, so we had a few drinks. I bought her a gin martini as I usually do on people's birthdays (of course, enjoying one myself!). She's definitely into me, but I can't bring myself to be interested in her with these new found thoughts in my mind. With one revelation, unveils a new level beneath I suppose. See, even though I feel like a girl, I am still attracted to girls. It turns out, ironically, that just about all of the girls that I have had crushes on are lesbians (or married, figures, eh?) So, at this point, I guess you could say I am confused. I feel sad again, with every up there's an equal down is something I've learned, so it doesn't bother me because that was a hell of an up today. Not sure what to do. I felt sad, being out tonight. Looking at all the girls and guys having a good time. Appearing like they know exactly who they are and where they want to be. Had a chat with the birthday girl, she said something significant... I don't remember right now, I was drinking at the time. That doesn't feel good that I can't remember, but anyways... it was something about how she loves the feeling of... something... but my thought was, and I said it to her, "That's good. That means that you are exactly who you should be and where you should be."
So, this is an internet coming out I guess. Anonymously, but I need real people to talk to. Sorry for the massive amounts of type, but I've had a lot to say for a long time... and this is me. No one else really knows this me, not even my ex-girlfriend/still best friend, whom I even shared my suicidal thoughts and stories of my attempts with (she's the only one who knows about those to the fullest extent). I hope to find some people here I can relate to, and really get to know your own stories. This is mine. It's of course not complete, there's only so much that can be said in a forum post (though I do try to get it all out there! I have a tendency to be very wordy.) People are complex, and through time, one can only get so much information due to memory. Mine apparently isn't the best, but with that, I hope to be able to visit here and find a comfortable place and make a few friends. I'll open up in time, I know I'm being a bit covert, but that's how I am. Very timid in the beginning. Thank you for reading and I can't wait to get to know you all.
Cheers!
