Let's just say that until i became the world's worst teenager and started smoking - it was literally years of being deathly and depressedly afraid to even go out of the house in my neighborhood, much less school -which was a daily minefield of constant emotional torture both internally and as bad or worse externally. I dreaded almost every single day of school from age 6 until age 16. I was beat on, picked on, laughed at, and generally abused almost every day in school and/or at home between the ages of 6 and 13 or so, when i finally learned to both defend myself and allow myself to go along with the jokes, in order to diffuse people's interest any longer.
I fell in love so many times - had my heart broken so many times - felt so scared all of the time....of so many things both at home and in school growing up. It was freaking horrible.
The real beauty of it all is that it made me strong. It challenged me to retain any intelligence or compassion whatsoever, it gave me the perspective that cruelty to others is not the answer. It gives me motivation to heal it all and help others in the healing process. I gave me perspective and perception from outside of any norms of the cultural box.
It helped me build highly effective defense mechanisms( some of which were very destructive in my life at different times) and deeply honed my perceptive abilities about other's communications and expressions in general. Gave me a deep hateful dislike of lying, playing unfair games, or being vengeful. Gave me a deep hatred of sarcasm and all other forms of negative, indirect, neglectful, and dishonest communication between people in general, and especially when directed at me - Helped me to understand the depth of pain that people can actually feel and still survive somehow. Gave me real empathy for all other's thoughts and feelings.
The list of real tragically beautiful benefits and blessings from the same sources of pain is now amazing to me and longer yet still.....Way too long to list if i really got rolling on it here, and started really thinking about it... It was like growing up in a different country, or even on a different planet - it really was - i lived in the planet of me, and it was a dark and cold and confusing place for many years of my young life -
i was so socially isolated, yet became so deeply enmeshed with it all - in my own negative and violently miserable and destructive ways as i grew older into my teen years....
All in all, it could have been much worse,
and i'm sure many of you have had worse... I'm still here now, and i am a deeply loving person that is highly motivated to improve things within myself, and thereby also be able to more effectively help anyone else that has ever suffered such unfair and ruthless and brutal things in their own lives, more than ever before in my entire life.
I'd like nothing more now than to help beat down all the lies and the hatred in this world, all the freaking lies between and about people, and human limitation - and accepted social "norms", "standards", cultures, religions, and races. All this garbage will have to get thrown out so that we dont choke ourselves to death on it.
(she then opens her purse with a very ladylike and rather stoic grace, and gently puts away her little mini soapbox)....
Sincerely,
Thanks for asking.
Annagirl
