Fears and doubts setting in now that T is closer.

[Darrin Scott]

Hey all,

I plan on starting T in February of '12. That's a month and a half away. I have a Dr. in place and I can get my letter as soon as I have the money. I'm having major fears and doubts. It doesn't help that my mom thinks it's too soon for me to start T and transition at all. I'm starting to have those thoughts like, "What if this isn't for me and I make a mistake", "What if it is too soon?", etc. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to do this and have thought this through and have researched, researched and researched some more before making my decision. I've been in therapy for over a year with two therapists both when I was questioning and even now. Both are/were willing to write my letter. I'm having doubts I'm "really trans" or if it's a phase and that it's not real. I came out as a lesbian a year and a half ago and now as trans. Is it too soon? Am I rushing things? I know no one can answer that but me, but it's still on my mind. Anyone who is on T have these fears before starting? How did you cope? What did you do?

[wheat thins are delicious]

Hey all,

I plan on starting T in February of '12. That's a month and a half away. I have a Dr. in place and I can get my letter as soon as I have the money. I'm having major fears and doubts. It doesn't help that my mom thinks it's too soon for me to start T and transition at all. I'm starting to have those thoughts like, "What if this isn't for me and I make a mistake", "What if it is too soon?", etc. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to do this and have thought this through and have researched, researched and researched some more before making my decision. I've been in therapy for over a year with two therapists both when I was questioning and even now. Both are/were willing to write my letter. I'm having doubts I'm "really trans" or if it's a phase and that it's not real. I came out as a lesbian a year and a half ago and now as trans. Is it too soon? Am I rushing things? I know no one can answer that but me, but it's still on my mind. Anyone who is on T have these fears before starting? How did you cope? What did you do?

When I started T I felt so happy, I was so jubilant that soon I would look like I was supposed to, but the whole time those first few months my mom was constantly putting me down and verbally jabbing me.  Eventually when i questioned her on it she told me she was doing it to try to "fix your brain".  She thought by abusing me like that I would "see the error of my ways" or something like that.  I had doubts but when i thought about "could I live as a girl", could I really go back to living that way?  Being in agony whenever someone referred to me in a way that implied they thought I was a female?  No I couldn't and the thought made me sick and hateful of myself for ever being a "girl" 

Fears are natural.  If after being on T you feel it's not for you, or that you don't want it, don't stay on it.  Your mom will come around.  I feel if I had never started T my mom would still be just as hateful but she's seeing the changes.  She's seeing that I look male, and how happy and confident I am and she's changed.  She avoids names and pronouns in public and she has corrected herself from calling me "missy" or "ma'am" in private. 

Doubts before a big change are normal and healthy.  For me I thought also that it happened so fast.  I saw a therapist in September 2010 and then got on T in November 2010 but then I looked back and saw that since I was 18 (2005) I've questioned my gender.  I knew what trans was for longer but wasn't quite questioning yet.  I lived those five years between 05 and 10 looking at sites with trans men and dying inside wishing it was me.  I would think, wow if I started T when they did I would have a beard like that, I would have top, etc etc.  It wasn't really as quick as everyone thought because most didn't know about those years I spent envying everyone else.   

[caseyy]

I was thinking about this today. I received some abuse recently from a family member, and I got really upset about it all. I even read up on detransitioners. And that concerned me, because I wondered what that could possibly mean - like, what if a hidden part of me was not trans or something. But then I thought about it, and realized that it was just spiteful and bitter thoughts - if I were to try and be a girl again, it would be just to show them how wrong it actually is, so that they would admit that transition is right for me. The thoughts always involved me presenting as a girl and them being shocked and disgusted when they realized that it wasn't me. But the thought of doing it even in spite made me feel nauseous and angry, so. I won't. And that's how I know.

[CaptainFantastic]

Got the same problems: Before I started the whole procedure, therapy that is, I thought I'd have
to overcome a major obstacle in the shape of my therapist whom I almost expected to talk me out
of it; but quite tghe contrary, he kept saying on our first session, that he was surprised I looked that
masculine already and if i had self-medicated or something, and of course I said no; he thinks it's just
the logical thing to do for me and keeps mentioning 'when you're on T and you'll grow a beard', like it's
only a matter of time. Which of course it is. But after that, I was almost in shock; I didn't think it would
be so easy; the funny thing now, since I know T IS just a matter of time, sometimes, it's almost too
real for me, and I realize it's actually beginning to happen, not so far in the future; it's no longer a phan
tasy, and that's something to get used to. So fears and worries, old friends of mine.
Btw, 12th Feb is a perfect day to start T for you! Why? Cause it's my birthday;)) Wish I'd come this far
by then, but i'll probably be much later  next year, depending on my bank account situation 

[spacerace]

I also find myself having doubts, to the point where I feel like I am constantly testing my decision. I tell myself that I have decided against starting T, and try to put everything about it out of my head. I give it time, focus on other things, let myself stop stressing about it. At first, there is a wave of relief. Then in very short order, several days at most, I come right back to how I felt full force. My decision is always stronger, reinforced by new things I hope to look forward to once I start T, with assuaged doubts about dealing with certain transition issues. I still doubt, but at least I know that I tried to throughly test the choices.

My biggest concern is that I have really bad social anxiety, and I am terrified that potentially standing out in a new way is going to break me apart. I also think it could make that better, though, so it is a two way street.

[Paul]

Doubts before a big change are normal and healthy.  For me I thought also that it happened so fast.  I saw a therapist in September 2010 and then got on T in November 2010 but then I looked back and saw that since I was 18 (2005) I've questioned my gender.  I knew what trans was for longer but wasn't quite questioning yet.  I lived those five years between 05 and 10 looking at sites with trans men and dying inside wishing it was me.  I would think, wow if I started T when they did I would have a beard like that, I would have top, etc etc.  It wasn't really as quick as everyone thought because most didn't know about those years I spent envying everyone else.

I'm in the same boat.  A lot of people have made comments like "well isn't that too fast?"  However, what they don't know is I started questioning my gender when I was 4 (1992), but it wasn't until 2009 (21) that I even started talking to anyone about it and it was only a FEW close friends.  I read about it as much as I could and was envious of those that had the courage to come out and transition. I started seeing a therapist in July of 2011 (who also happens to be an FTM Trans which has been ver beneficial).  It wasn't until this fall that I came out to most of my friends and family and I'm looking into starting T early next year.  So for people that just found out this fall, starting T next year is really soon, but in reality it's been YEARS since I started this process.   

[therewolf]

It's normal to be unsure about big medical decisions. I had doubts also. I went informed consent, so I had no therapy and no letters. I was sure that I wanted T, I wanted it so badly, but I was seriously afraid that I would wake up the day after my first shot and not be trans anymore and be horrified. (That obviously didn't happen.)

The fact that it happens so slowly helps, I think. I might have been freaked out if I woke up the next day a bald baritone fuzzball with another 20 pounds of muscle, but it was so slow that I was just impatient. The first thing that I noticed (and the only thing that appeared to happen for some time) was that I felt really, really chill, and I smelled slightly different. That was it. 

I think what you're feeling is very normal, and you have plenty of time to stop if you decide you need to. You can always start on a very low dose and see how you feel. T makes me feel awesome, but that isn't everyone's experience.

[Darrin Scott]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to start sometime in Feb if I can and go from there. I personally think I will not regret it, but I do have my fears. I think once I'm on it they might subside.

[caseyy]

I do think it'll help you be at ease once you're on it, Darrin. because then you've had the experience of being estrogen-fuelled and T-fuelled, so there's less unknowns, just what is best for you in the end.

[Felix]

I start T this week, and I haven't had any doubts at all. Maybe that's because I waited too long? I waited too long. My hormone fears have been stale for awhile now.

I wish you the best of luck. If it doesn't feel right, you can stop.

[Sam-]

As others said, it's completely normal to have fears when making a big life decision (especially ones that can have irreversible effects). But only you know what is right for you, just try to relax and listen to your inner self 

Also, Felix! Somehow I haven't picked up that you're starting T soon, congrats!

[Felix]

Also, Felix! Somehow I haven't picked up that you're starting T soon, congrats!

Thank you Sam. I didn't realize how close it was myself, didn't want to believe it until it was right in front of me.

And again, Darrin, you aren't going to transform in those first few shots. It will likely take months for any irreversible changes to set in. Be yourself and decide how best to do that, and I'm sure you'll be fine.