OK, here i am butting into the SO forum again, but my wife Shannon rarely reads the forum anymore unless I point something out to her. If you or a mod feel I am out of line in here, just let me know and I'll stop posting here.
We've been doing this for a bit over three years now. First of all let me again say THANK YOU for being an ally and sticking with her. I also will add that you should not feel anything is wrong that you feel bad when she does. I think that shows that you really have a deep love for each other and truly care how she feels. If you really want to let her walk the walk on her own then it if it works for you two then great, but we've decided that part of being married is that we are true partners and it is a partner's right to stand beside the other, especially when they need you the most. I don't think you are smothering at all, and rather you should be applauded for not leaving her hanging alone.
One thing we found helpful was hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. You don't even need to say anything. Also be willing to drop whatever one is doing when the other asks to be held. Touch is a very powerful healer. Feeling that togetherness and closeness helped us to stay a bit more positive. Being willing to listen to the other is a key part of any relationship, but as you've found it is important not to get a destructive feedback loop going. When you find each other feeding on the others depression then it is time to stop that conversation with something like "nothing we can do about that right now, we're working on changing it, we'll do better next time" or something along those lines. Acknowledge her fears as real (or not and only anxiety formed), but don't dwell on them. It is very hard to do at first, but eventually it gets easier. It isn't dismissing the fear, but rather accepting it and then moving onward.
In this whole thing I've tried not to be specific to her asking you. As you progress there will be times you will have to ask her. For example right now I am as high as I have been in a long time, but she is having trouble with her family. It is my turn to be there and to listen and support. It will go in cycles, but the two of you together really are much stronger than both of you alone.
OK, I've got to stop now because I'm pretty much in tears (the good kind though). As I wrote this I relieved some of our moments and I can feel her love surround me even now and it is simply too beautiful.
If you two want to make this work, YOU CAN DO IT. Or too say it a different way, "In love all things are possible", or even view your love around you both as a circle and together with perfect love and perfect trust nothing can destroy it.
