I need a proverbial slap upside the head. pls k thx bai

[A_Dresden_Doll]

Set let me set things up: I am not fulltime yet, and I am set to transition at work Jan 1st. Why Jan 1st? Well, I can't think of a better New Year's Resolution than not being a man.

My company has been absolutely wonderful about me transitioning. They gave me control of when, and how, they have made it as simple as possible, and the "bathroom issue" is not even an issue. In short, I am in awe of well a company my company has been, especially since I am the first trans person they have encountered.

I have the full support of my parents, and while I lost my ex, she still uses my real name, and rarely slip it up, or use male pronouns. We have also remain amicable for our daughter, and while we butt heads sometimes, things in general are well.

But then there is me. It's always me. I am terrified to go fulltime. I feel completely underprepared, both in terms of how I look, to the lack of attire I have, especially for work, and overall, I loathe my voice. I feel like there is so much I need to improve, espefcially my voice. The easy solution would to put off transition at work, but I already came out to my company in October, and I have been planning on the Jan 1st date for some time. Even more simply than that, I feel that if I don't do it then, then I will keep pushing it back, and pushing it back, etc etc ad nauseum.

So I am stressed, and scared. On top of that, I have been of my medroxy progesterone, so I wonder if that might be making feel as anxious as I do. Really, I don't know what to to, and I am miserable in a time where I should be happy. This has what I have been working for over a year, and it feels like a complete bust. Most nights, I feel like destroying everything around me, or crying myself to sleep. Sometimes both at the same time. I am a mess...and I hate it. Am I just being normal, and really more importantly, do you guys think I am ready, that I blend in well enough to present female fulltime. You are allowed call me on my ->-bleeped-<- as you see fit, in fact, I insist. Thank you all...really.

[stldrmgrl]

It is my belief that one is never truly ready.  Anxiety, nervousness and doubt are all common in clouding and diverting our confidence.  The issue more than anything (and not just with transition itself) seems to be that we as people think too much.  "What if" scenarios play out in our minds constantly, haunting and attempting to manipulate our emotions.  As a result, we tend to belittle ourselves; "how can I truly be ready, if this, that and the other are all possibilities."  Silencing that voice inside your head, I feel, you may find as a comfort.  Easier said than done, no doubt; it takes changing the thought pattern of that voice from negative to positive; "I can do this, things may happen but I am stronger than them, I will overcome any and all obstacles."

Your recent lack of progesterone may very well be playing a part in all this, though I cannot say for certain.  I can assure you based upon the videos and photographs I have seen and heard, as well as the phone conversations we have had, you no doubt pass to me.  I realize this does not remove your own doubts of such, and it is not intended to.  It has been said time and time again "we are our own worst critic."  I find this very relevant in our negative emotions toward ourselves, and it's best to take such emotions with a grain of salt.  While I certainly feel that self-happiness is necessary, thus completely ignoring such thoughts would be counterproductive, I do feel that at some point it's imperative we take our chances and jump into the water with as much confidence as one can muster up.  Once you realize the waves are not over your head and the waters begin to calm, I believe confidence and/or self-esteem will take the lead again.

Hang in there girl, you are a strong person.  You can do this, I know you can.  Take one day at a time, take one hour at a time, take one minute at a time.  Do not think too far into the future and do not dwell upon these thoughts for too long; we often cause our own anxiety simply by thinking.

[lilacwoman]

I'll slip into male mode for a moment and lower my voice to basso-profundo and say:  You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Jan 1st make you turn up at work ensuring you're noticeably female in appearance.   (ignore all the nongender binarism nonsense)

Jan 2nd you'll wonder what all the worries were about.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

It is my belief that one is never truly ready.  Anxiety, nervousness and doubt are all common in clouding and diverting our confidence.  The issue more than anything (and not just with transition itself) seems to be that we as people think too much.  "What if" scenarios play out in our minds constantly, haunting and attempting to manipulate our emotions.  As a result, we tend to belittle ourselves; "how can I truly be ready, if this, that and the other are all possibilities."  Silencing that voice inside your head, I feel, you may find as a comfort.  Easier said than done, no doubt; it takes changing the thought pattern of that voice from negative to positive; "I can do this, things may happen but I am stronger than them, I will overcome any and all obstacles."

Your recent lack of progesterone may very well be playing a part in all this, though I cannot say for certain.  I can assure you based upon the videos and photographs I have seen and heard, as well as the phone conversations we have had, you no doubt pass to me.  I realize this does not remove your own doubts of such, and it is not intended to.  It has been said time and time again "we are our own worst critic."  I find this very relevant in our negative emotions toward ourselves, and it's best to take such emotions with a grain of salt.  While I certainly feel that self-happiness is necessary, thus completely ignoring such thoughts would be counterproductive, I do feel that at some point it's imperative we take our chances and jump into the water with as much confidence as one can muster up.  Once you realize the waves are not over your head and the waters begin to calm, I believe confidence and/or self-esteem will take the lead again.

Hang in there girl, you are a strong person.  You can do this, I know you can.  Take one day at a time, take one hour at a time, take one minute at a time.  Do not think too far into the future and do not dwell upon these thoughts for too long; we often cause our own anxiety simply by thinking.

You know, something else I wanted to touch on that has been bothering me, is that I still can't accept that I'm female. Academically, I get it, preach, live it, etc etc. But  I can't FEEl it. I still feel like a fake, and I feel the need to constantly "out" myself to people, who I find out later, had no idea I was trans. Is this because I am still living a bi-gendered life? I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not even trans at all.

I had a really bad incident back a couple weeks that describes what I said above; I was out with 2 other girls that were trans, one of whom is a prominent lesbain in the local scene. We were hanging out with two other women who were lesbian and cisgendered. I have no doubt of the legitamacy of my one freind, and feel she is as "real" of a woman, of a lesbian, as the "real" cisgendered women were, but not me. I felt like some male intruder, like I had no right to be there. I, obviously, outed myself, but the cis women didn't care, nor did they have any idea. I still can't figure out why I am doing this to myself. Why is everyone else legitimate in their identity, but myself, at least, according to myself. I really am deaply bothered by this.

[lilacwoman]

could be as simple as pheromones or bad vibes from the lesbian.

[Rabbit]

I am a big believer in a slow and gradual transition...

For me, when / if I get to your sittuation, I would still take it slow. I don't believe there is / should be a day when we just flick on the "I'm now a girl" switch. Instead, introducing elements into your daily life in a slow and comfortable way is a lot easier for you (and the acceptance of those around you).

So, I would start dressing a little different. Start using my female voice a little more. Start doing more and more to inch into full-time and get comfortable with each element. Of course, I would start doing these things around friends and family that completely accept me first. I would feel comfortable "trying out" my girl voice or girl look. Then, with them around, I would take my first steps into public so I could just relax and not focus on if everyone is looking at me.

Eventually, I would just find myself in a full-time life. My fashion would have evolved to be female... my voice would have transitioned... and socially I would feel totally comfortable.

It is kind of like boiling a frog. You don't suddenly turn up the heat (because he jumps out!) ... but if you slowly turn it up, the water will creep up and the frog will be always be comfortable until it is sitting in boiling water.

I am having fun with each step of transition... trying new things and exploring what I think is interesting. I'm not in a rush to "be a girl"... I am just being who I am and trying to figure out what I want to add on.

[stldrmgrl]

You know, something else I wanted to touch on that has been bothering me, is that I still can't accept that I'm female. Academically, I get it, preach, live it, etc etc. But  I can't FEEl it. I still feel like a fake, and I feel the need to constantly "out" myself to people, who I find out later, had no idea I was trans. Is this because I am still living a bi-gendered life? I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not even trans at all.

I had a really bad incident back a couple weeks that describes what I said above; I was out with 2 other girls that were trans, one of whom is a prominent lesbain in the local scene. We were hanging out with two other women who were lesbian and cisgendered. I have no doubt of the legitamacy of my one freind, and feel she is as "real" of a woman, of a lesbian, as the "real" cisgendered women were, but not me. I felt like some male intruder, like I had no right to be there. I, obviously, outed myself, but the cis women didn't care, nor did they have any idea. I still can't figure out why I am doing this to myself. Why is everyone else legitimate in their identity, but myself, at least, according to myself. I really am deaply bothered by this.

It is difficult to say.  As said, perhaps you've transitioned too quickly and hadn't taken the time to just breathe and relax, embracing transition; furthermore allowing your body to transition at the same rate as your mind.  You're driving a race car to the finish line, when many of us are driving go-karts.  This is all speculation of course, but I only mention it because I know you haven't been on HRT for too long, and perhaps it's all just a bit overwhelming to you still (which is perfectly okay). 

My personal recommendation is to consult with your therapist, and I know that is not helpful, but I feel it may be crucial in gaining an understanding of your feelings.

[Rabbit]

such as a change of name. There is nothing gradual about that one.

Hehe, actuallyy... my name transition is pretty gradual too Everyone I know is friended on facebook... but my facebook name is Ivory...  ((And, of course, people I meet online first... like friends of friends... they know me first as Ivory and my normal name 2nd).

They still call me by my real name, but I also have people sometimes using Ivory Or people putting the dots together when they meet me in person and going "ohh, you are Ivory??" and I just smile and say "yup, that's me, nice to finally meet you!".

Sooo, if / when I finally decide to just make Ivory my name... it will already be normal for everyone I know

[A_Dresden_Doll]

This was easier for me to ramble some more. Rambling FTMFW!

[lilacwoman]

OMG! turn up at work looking like that and everyone will label you as the '->-bleeped-<-ing queer' you label yourself elsewhere.

take 10% of workforce as being someplace on the LGBTg spectrum you'll have allies.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

OMG! turn up at work looking like that and everyone will label you as the '->-bleeped-<-ing queer' you label yourself elsewhere.

take 10% of workforce as being someplace on the LGBTg spectrum you'll have allies.

SO...I'm not manly or masculine looking or sounding?

[Jaime]

I think it would benefit you to put off fulltime a little longer, give the hormones more time and yourself more time to work on your presentation. I was on hrt for a tad over two years before I went fulltime and by then I was being called ma'am a lot, even while wearing a baseball cap and a flannel shirt. Get a little more comfortable with your female self before you jump into it as too much anxiety will make it really difficult for you to be comfortable around others, especially those who may not know you.

And yeah, I do think you're still a bit too masculine in appearance and voice right now. And heck, you've waited this long, what's a little more time if it will help ensure a smoother transition into fulltime?   

[A_Dresden_Doll]

I think it would benefit you to put off fulltime a little longer, give the hormones more time and yourself more time to work on your presentation. I was on hrt for a tad over two years before I went fulltime and by then I was being called ma'am a lot, even while wearing a baseball cap and a flannel shirt. Get a little more comfortable with your female self before you jump into it as too much anxiety will make it really difficult for you to be comfortable around others, especially those who may not know you.

And yeah, I do think you're still a bit too masculine in appearance and voice right now. And heck, you've waited this long, what's a little more time if it will help ensure a smoother transition into fulltime?

Based on this video, or my TransByDef stuff?

[JenJen2011]

It all boils down to if you're comfortable with how you look at the present moment and it's obvious you're not. I don't think you're ready. I wouldn't be either I think if I were in your shoes.

When I came out at work and told everyone I'd be going full-time, I was on HRT for about a year and a half and I was planning on having FFS right before. That way, not only would people see a difference but more importantly, I was going to be more comfortable and happy with myself. That didn't happen, though. Lol. I ended up resigning.

Anyway, you're going to have to do it at some point. At least you know everyone is supportive so that's good. I would think long and hard and follow your instincts.

Good luck.

[A_Dresden_Doll]

Your demeanour in the video is very different from your avatar picture. You do not look like you have any make up on for starters. It is a sad fact that women sometimes need make up and I think that some lightly done make up would help you - powder, mascara and some lippy. Brush your hair nicely (it will need doing several times a day) and wear a discreet necklace.

Most importantly of all, begin to think and act feminine. Do NOT lean forward, sit more upright an keep your elbows in. Smile more.

Raise your voice tone a little (not much - not a falsetto) and learn to use more feminine words. Tell your colleagues that your voice is not were you want it to be and how difficult it is and that you appreciate them bearing with you whilst you sort it out. You have some masculine resonance in your voice that you need to lose. Put your hand on your Adam's Apple. Swallow. You will feel the Adam's Apple move up when you swallow. Now do it again and try and use your muscles to keep the Adam's Apple up. Once you can do that you will find your chest resonance is reduced if you talk with your Apple up. Push your tongue up and back in your mouth and it will pull the Apple up.

Practice, practice, practice. Women have had their entire life to practice so they are good at it. We have to learn much quicker...

Beverley

I was home from work when I made that video. I was in guy mode, and presenting male about as much as there is a male mode left to present.
Wednesdays's with Autumn 03
Here, here I am presenting female.

[lilacwoman]

that's better.
turn up like that on Jan 1st.

[Steffi]

Also....... it is difficult not to feel somewhat false when you are flitting back and forth from one presentation to the other.

As someone said above, once you take that first step and walk out into the world as You, never to look back, it will all fall into place and you'll be wondering what on earth you were stressing about.

Believe me, it is ALL so much easier to do once you are 100% in role 24/7     

[drvotion86]

I think you look wonderfull and sound wonderfull... I always tell you this.. =) Even when i went full time it was scary, but once you do everything else will follow...

[Torn1990]

<3<3<3<3  werk it at work, you're going to be great.

[Jaime]

Based on this video, or my TransByDef stuff?

I was basing it on that video as I haven't seen the transdef stuff. But your second video on this thread was much, much better.  Keep in mind that fulltime is fulltime, there is no boy mode or whatever.  Consistency will help with your own view of yourself just as it would help in dealing with those you are around a lot.