I don't think there is anything wrong with me...

[Zerro]

Trigger warning - talk of lower bits and mentions of sex.

-So I wrote this up earlier and it has me thinking. Are these feelings going to prevent me from getting on T? I just need reassurance or advice, if you lot are okay with that.-

A little background: I'm Charlie, male-identified. I'm young, and in a gay relationship with a cis guy and this alone has caused me problems with having medical professionals accepting my identity. It's frustrating and gotten to the point where I want to lie about my relationship in order for people to take me seriously. :/ I want to be on T, and every time I bring this up with my therapist and mother(whom I live with, and both are pretty damn accepting and supportive otherwise), this subject pops up.

---

One question I've always had posed to me by my mother and every therapist I've been "out" to as trans* is "But what about having children/experiencing motherhood?"

And I always answered with "That's not the path for me" without ever giving an elaborate explanation behind that. :/

But the truth is - childbirth and pregnancy trigger me in the most awful way. I am disgusted by the thought of another being growing inside me and feeding off of me. I dislike babies. I don't like it when people try to get me to hold their young children, it sets me off in a weird way.
Hell, before I knew I wanted my chest to be flat, I knew I wanted to be sterilized. When I was about ten or eleven, I remember asking my mom if I could somehow remove my ovaries and the like.

It disturbs me that I have the capability to carry another being inside me. It is frightening. And makes me feel wrong.

But...I'm not entirely bothered when I see other people get pregnant. It's a little squicky, but it's not horrifying to me. And kids? I don't hate them, to be honest. I just don't get them or feel warm and fuzzy around them.

There have been exceptions, where the kid's been fun to be around and all, but it's always left me with a sense of relief to return them to their parent(s) at the end of the day.

I enjoy being friendly with the siblings of my mates and the like. It's fun to be a bit of a mentor or buddy to someone, but that's it.
I've thought about it from the other side too, though. See, if I had a cismale's reproductive system, it'd probably be less of an issue...but I'd still not want to be a father. Kids are an expensive responsibility that should be wanted by their parents, not a social obligation.

I just can't wrap my head around being a parent. I'm responsible in some ways, but I could never be responsible for another human's life and well being.

Animals are different, you know? They have needs, but they're independent and live shorter lives in general. They don't need to go to school(unless pet training is what you're thinking of?), and are much simpler beings in the mental department imo.

Annnd even then, I have trouble taking care of pets. :( I'm not the most responsible when it comes to another being's life. I try, believe me I do! But I'm not a caretaker.

I have this odd level of independence, I like being alone to do my own things and pay attention to my studies and hobbies - to the point where I can't see myself living with a partner or even my friends because I just need my solitude. I need it to keep myself sane.
I can work with others with no resistance, and I can spend time with my friends and loved ones without complaint because yes, I do enjoy it.

But it's most rewarding to return home after a nice day out to QUIET and solitude.

Kids don't do that.

Animals don't even do that all the time.

I just...ugh. If I try to articulate my thoughts on the matter, I'm always shot down with "you never know what the future holds" or "you'll change your mind, trust me!" or even the dreaded "but what if you fall for someone with kids"(to which my answer is a heartless "then they aren't the one for me").

I understand that things change as you get older, but for ->-bleeped-<-'s sake, I'm not like Thomas Beatie or any of the other trans men who have decided to have kids/carry a child through their bodies. It would be suicide, in a sense, if I were to get pregnant.
Hell, I HATE my lower parts if they're used in heterosexual/PIV sex. The rest of the time, I try to remain as distant and neutral from them as possible. What makes anyone believe I could happily go through with pregnancy and birth a ->-bleeped-<-ing child? What makes anyone believe I should be a parent when there are thousands of better candidates out there?

I swear, I'm adding hysterectomy on my "must have" procedures list. Nngh.

I'm scared of being turned down for T because of my age and because of this.

I just want to get this over with while I'm young so things can settle better.

[wesxx]

They shouldn't refuse T to you because of this. All those feelings about having children you just talked about? I feel the same exact way and shared my feelings with my therapist and it didn't stop her from writing her my T letter. I think your therapist will understand this. Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable writing something out about it and taking it to her? Sometimes it's easier to form your thoughts into written sentences rather than saying it aloud.

[Zerro]

I think writing my thoughts down and sharing them with my therapist that way might help a lot. When I'm talking in person, I get all jumbled up and don't know what to say or how to express my point without sounding completely uneducated. My therapist herself doesn't want kids, or so she's said, but she still acts the part of a gatekeeper. Maybe if I can share this post with her, or write her a letter, she'll understand how serious I am about this. Thank you for the idea, it makes a lot of sense!

[Kreuzfidel]

I want kids, but I want to be a father not a mother - because I'm a man not a woman.  I'd retort with "that's a hell of a question to ask a man". 

[MaxAloysius]

Wow, this post has articulated exactly how I feel about everything SO much better than I've ever been able to! This is me completely, so if it helps at all, I'm on T now. I can definitely see where you're coming from; with uneducated people my being attracted to men made my situation harder for them to grasp, and people just cannot seem to understand my dislike for children, least of all the horrible feelings provoked in my any time anyone even mentions my biological ability to bear children. God, even writing it down is making me shudder...

I say print off your post and give it to your therapist; it's very well written, and you've articulated your thoughts and feelings in a very mature way. No therapist should have a problem with this. Good luck mate!

[Kyle_S]

I agree with the other guys here. That shouldn't stop you at all. I'm kinda in the same boat. Don't really like children, but I would like to be a father. I would only carry a child if it was necessary in my relationship (she couldn't or something) and would not have to leave the house for the duration. I am hoping to never be pregnant......

[Felix]

Your feelings toward the idea of motherhood and children are entirely normal and standard for a transguy. I can't believe they would keep bringing it up.

[insideontheoutside]

For most of my life I had zero desire to have kids. Actually I can't biologically have kids and even if I could I have the same views on pregnancy as you do. That's probably one of the most unnatural freaky things I can imagine. Anyway, long story short, later in my 30s and all of a sudden I'm like, yeah a kid would be cool. I tried looking into adoption but the hoops you have to jump through are insane! You have to have a pile of money too. But nonetheless, adoption is an option, although a difficult one. So ... even if you're like me and later in life something goes off in your head and you do want the chance to be a parent as long as you aren't hung up on the kid not being yours biologically, there are still options.

[Felix]

I always felt for me personally that it would be wrong to have kids as long as there are still any orphans on the planet. I also felt like the world is just kinda a messed up place, and I didn't want to be responsible for introducing anybody to it.

Of course it didn't, ah, work out that way for me.

[sneakersjay]

If you're truly male-identified, why do they think you'd want to be a mother, and would enjoy motherhood?!

It's one thing if you eventually want to be a parent, and you might change your mind on that some day.  Or not.  Many people know they never want to be a parent.  Nothing wrong with that.

But, even if you transition, there are many ways to be a parent even if you, personally, don't carry them physically.

I had kids, but hated the whole idea of motherhood.  Could never get that mini-van soccer mom thing.  I always felt male, but at the time I had kids I didn't know that feeling male meant I was trans.  I had them because I wanted them but not because I wanted to be a mother, if that makes sense.

I would just tell them many people don't wish to become parents and leave it at that, or you could be more adamant that, as a male, the idea of motherhood makes you physically ill, and it ain't gonna happen, no way, no how.


Jay

[Natkat]

I really understand what you mean.
our situations are SOOO simular, the only real diffrent is I am on T and single for the moment.

I dont know where your from, but where im from it also harder to get threatment if your gay or have kids.
I personally think its stupid because non of those has anything to do with being a man or a women and yet I heard the comments, like
what about the future and so on.. you could change your mind bla bla.

I will say I have respect in people who go have kids, whatever there ftm or cis-gender if thats what they deside.
but as you the felling of getting pregnent would kinda freak me out.
in school when we talked about those, I used to say I never wanted kids or to getting marrige,
its not all true, I somehow might want kids or marrige, but i bet I been used to thinking it never could happent in a way I liked it,
I didnt want to get kids like the "pregnacys" way, and I didnt want to be marrige like a woman.
then its just better to tell people you have no desires for it, otherwise I would have got alot of those comments.

I really hate bringing up that topic because I am scared of explaining those,
cis-genders just dont understand and I hate to somehow seam like a parrent for them to forgive there ignorance.

[Zerro]

@NatKat - I'm from the United States, and my area of the country is slightly more open about things than other parts. It's still a fight if they find out you like men, though. Because obviously a female-assigned-at-birth + a cis male partner = BABIES BABIES EVERYWHERE, right? Wrong. I've taken to just stating that I'm in a relationship and keep the pronouns gender neutral if therapists ask for the sake of protecting myself from heterosexism/cissexism.

I too respect those that make the choice to have kids or raise them, I think that it's a very personal decision that shouldn't be mocked or treated as wrong. If others can choose to have kids, why shouldn't I just go with my gut feeling and choose not to have them?

...Of course, you try to say that to a medical professional, and you get shot down. Granted, should I ever want kids, I'd rather find a surrogate mother or try to adopt someone. It's a tedious process, but if that's what it comes down to, I'd happily take those options over using my own body.

@Sneakersjay - A lot of it is because of my age and the fact that I have a cis male partner. For some reason, medical professionals in my area seem to believe female-assigned-at-birth individual + cisgender male partner = BABY FOR YOU. :/ I just find that ridiculous, as there are plenty of cis women out there who choose not to have kids and who even get sterilized at younger ages in order to prevent anything...and a lot of them are happy in their lives! But of course, having these parts means I MUST wants babies or something equally asinine. 

I should probably just continue trying to make my point in an educated manner with these people, I'm a MAN. If I'm going to be a parent, I'd rather be a FATHER and experience FATHERHOOD. Some trans guys are okay with using their parts for carrying a kid, I'm not one of them. I wouldn't turn away a child because it's not from my body. :/

But I don't forsee children in my future. A pet shark? Mmmaybe. I'd much rather have a pet.

@Felix - Yikes, I'm sorry, mate. But granted, I can sort of understand the "motherhood" pressure doctors will put on FAAB patients. They don't want to be sued later if they agree to sterilize them and it is some sort of a social norm to want kids...But really, I think the most logical thing for me personally to do if I ever end up wanting kids is to either find a surrogate mother or try the adoption process. I don't think I'd ever be responsible enough to care for another human being, though. Poor kid would probably not be happy with me as a dad. I can be caring and a good teacher, but...I would be a horrible parent. It's easier for me to return kids to their respective guardians at the end of the day. Heh.

Would be nice if a doctor would listen and not try to discourage these feelings in me, though.

@Kyle - Yeah...the one time I tried PIV sex, I was in a panic about pregnancy despite having used protection. I would not rest until I was certain I was not pregnant, and even after I still have panic attacks if the possibility is mentioned...MOTHERHOOD MATERIAL RIGHT HERE, LADIES AND GENTS. Pregnancy is a major "do not want" in my life, and if I can help it, I will not allow it to happen. Ever.

@Insideontheoutside - I feel that even though those processes are hard to get through and expensive, I'd rather try adoption and help a kid that really needs someone. Though granted, as I've said a few lines back, I'm not a very responsible person when it comes to taking care of others and should probably not be a father.

@Bane - Yay! I'm going to a more open and liberal clinic as far as trans* people go, and hope that they'll be happy to work with me on this. If not, I will get back up and not rest until I get my T. I refuse to go down without a fight.

@Kreuz - Exactly! Should I ever want to be a parent, I'd be a father, not a mother. Just...need to teach the medical community in my area that. :/

Thanks for your words of support, everyone! I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's discouraging to be told you're wrong about how you want to live your life, but if I keep trying, I'll surely figure something out.