Suicide Warning Signs?

[Cody Jensen]

I was reading a medical magazine, and I ended up checking off more than half the sings on the Suicide Warning Signs List. That... I have to say, that concerns me. I thought I'd post them here.

SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
-neglect of personal appearance
-sudden changes in manner of dress
-sudden change in appetite
-sense of hopelessness, helplessness
-wide mood changes and sudden outbursts (only at home)
-anxiousness, extreme tension, or agitation
-lethargy and tiredness
-changes in personality (only at home)
-loss of the ability to concentrate
-depression, sadness
-loss of rational thought
-feelings of guilt and failure
-self-destructive thoughts
-exaggerated fears of disease or physical impairment
-feelings of worthlessness or of being a burden
-threatening suicide
-describing methods of suicide
-decreased school activity; isolation. Sudden drop in achievement and interests in school subjects.
-loss of interest in hobbies (not all), sports, work, etc.
-withdrawal from family, sometimes acting in a manner which forces others away
-changes in eating and sleeping habits
-changes in friendship
-running away from home, "skipping school"
-preoccupation with thoughts of death

I have all of these. My reason for not seeing anyone about this is I am terrified of being strapped down to a chair or locked in a room like my dad told me what they do to "those people" I am actually crying right now from realizing that I have 95% of the signs on that list (the ones I do, I posted). I don't know what to do because to be honest like I said I'm terrified. I tried to distract myself with goals, like working out (have zero motivation for), moving (I feel like I have to move to a completely different country to be at peace with myself and away from my family), and I suppose, finding a partner (girlfriend) is one of the goals. I just get super depressed when I think about the girl I really love (to the point where I'd risk my life for her), but she already has a girlfriend and I am respecting that but I feel like I'll never find someone like her... Okay Cody, enough, now you're just going on a rant. But yeah. Suicide thoughts. I'm scared. 

[Hermione01]

You must seek professional help before this goes too far. They won't lock you away or strap you down unless you are actually in the act of attempting suicide.  Talking about your depressive feelings to your doctor will help him/her decide what course of action to take, usually prescribing some kind of anti-depressant and a referral for a suitable psychologist to help get to the root of the problems you are facing.
If these feelings are overwhelming and you need someone to talk to right now, please ring the suicide hotline in your state immediately. Don't be afraid, they are there to help you. 

[Cody Jensen]

Thing is, I know I won't be able to physically talk because my throat always tightens up out of fear, it already is.

[Hermione01]

I understand, I have that happen too.  Believe me, they are used to long silences, chocked up voices, they will let you speak in your own time till you feel better.
I think it is safe to post stuff here too, just let it all out.  Amazingly those feelings do pass, unfortunately though, it can be temporary, if there is a mood disorder like depression, so you have to make an appointment to see a counselor or doctor, no matter what. 

[Felix]

Huh. Did your dad actually relegate the mentally ill to the status of "those people?" So, uh, how is he going to possibly face and accept the level of variety the world contains? Specifically, you.

If you aren't of age, please be careful. I agree that if you are ever on the brink of suicide you should tell everyone and do whatever might keep it from happening. But if you are simply high risk and don't feel about to do anything impulsive and permanent, you might want to just lay low. If your father thinks of people with mental health diagnoses as some form of other, then he is not necessarily going to be supportive, and he may even be punitive.

Lots of kids do get locked away, strapped down, etc, and often for far less urgent issues than the life-or-death immediacy of suicide. I've watched it happen to a ton of foster kids and juvenile justice system kids simply for going against the grain in one way or another.

Find safe places. I'm sure you've heard of the Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/). Susan's is good. Find an lgbt center or some other place where you don't have to explain or apologize for who you are. Find things that make you proud, or comfortable, or that make you laugh. Find something, and be careful.

[insideontheoutside]

I'm gonna throw out there too that if you are on any kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds those can have a tendency to increase all of these things, up to and including suicidal thoughts (believe me, I was on them and almost checked out because of it). If you're not and you feel like this, be super careful about going on them because of those side effects (especially if you're under 18). Not trying to pull some scare tactics out or anything just speaking from personal experience. Some might help for a short term type of issue, enough to push you in the right direction and get up out of the depression but try and avoid long term usage.

And yeah, your dad (and I get the feeling the rest of your family) has some screwed up notions.

I know it's hard to see a brighter future when everything in the present is crap. I've been there too, but I stuck it out, little by little. It wasn't overnight that things changed and I had to want to make those changes too - to take the first small step. It sounds like you've tried a few things, but keep trying things. Try to hold on to even the smallest things that make you happy ... like nice weather, a happy dog, your favorite book or music or food. Seems small but they can lead to bigger things. Don't try to go right for the BIG THING that you think might make a change (like jumping into an exercising program when you've got zero motivation. Try just walking around your block one day ... go from there ... start small with everything). Write your feelings down if you can't talk about them. Come here and post more (like you have).

[Cody Jensen]

@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.

@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.

[Felix]

@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.

@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.

Keep posting here, then. Keep talking here. We've seen you around, you're cool, and there's no reason for you to feel so isolated.

[Hermione01]

@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.

@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.

Yeah, probably leave your dad out of the picture at this stage. I know it's hard with using the phone, it's a great tool but boy, the anxiety one can feel about using it.    Maybe your friend can come with you to see a counsellor/doctor, just for the first visit. Don't feel you're a burden, sometimes friends can seem a bit flakey when they aren't sure what to do or say, if you are sure you need to talk to someone, she might come through for you. Give her a chance. 

I agree with the above posters too, anti-depressants are not for everyone, and I am one of them, lol. Insideontheoutside has some good advice, sometimes it's the little things that make us feel a little better.

[Cody Jensen]

@insideontheoutside, no im not on any meds. i post as much as i can on here. dont get me wrong you guys have been extremely supportive and great about it, but i feel like posting on here is never going to get me out to a therapist, no matter how much i let my feelings out.

[Cody Jensen]

@Felix... didn't know I was seen as cool 

@Hermione, maybe I will tell her then... this is just kind of one of my deepest secrets though you know? And I don't think I'd feel comfortable even if someone came with me sadly. But then, I wouldn't feel any more comfortable going alone either.  Idk anymore, I just want to see SOMEone who can tell me what I need to do to help all these feelings

[Cindy]

Hi Cody

There are sticky's to suicide discussion sites on Susan's that cover most of the countries members are in. Go to Transgender Talk and there is a sticky to them. These are professional support sites. You will not be locked up, you will not be abused, you will be helped. They know that you will find it difficult to talk, they are used to that.

Many of us on this site have thought and even tried to suicide. Myself included. It is not an option. But you are not alone.
There is help and you need to get some.

There are simple anti-depressants that can do wonders. They did for me.

Seek help.

Keep posting.

You are not alone, we are your family and we understand.

Cindy

[Lee]

As others have been saying, they won't be strapping you down or anything like that.  I know a good number of people who have been to therapists for depression/suicidal thoughts.  Only one has been put under suicide watch, and that was because she requested it. 

I contacted a therapist when it became something I was seriously considering.  She helped me a lot and referred me to a doctor who figured out that I was anemic and had low thyroid, both of which make the symptoms worse.  I think that I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out without them. 

Are you a student?  If so there is probably a counseling center that you could visit for free.  Please go talk to someone.  You could even write things down to hand to them instead.  At the least you'll be in the same place as now.

[Felix]

@Felix... didn't know I was seen as cool 

@Hermione, maybe I will tell her then... this is just kind of one of my deepest secrets though you know? And I don't think I'd feel comfortable even if someone came with me sadly. But then, I wouldn't feel any more comfortable going alone either.  Idk anymore, I just want to see SOMEone who can tell me what I need to do to help all these feelings

Hey so Cody, have you considered just asking your general practitioner/primary care provider/whatever you call your regular doctor about this? It's what I did when I was sad. I got really weirdly pointlessly sad once, out of all proportion to what was going on in my life. My gp was totally happy to talk to me about that, and he was respectful and practical about it. If you don't feel good, you should try to figure out how to change that, right?

Running this stuff by your regular doctor can be easier and chiller than taking the more dramatic-seeming steps of finding a psych professional and ending up in that channel. Plus it's pretty easy to back out if you don't feel comfortable with your doc's reaction.

[Hermione01]

Out of the list of suicide warning signs, the sense of hopelessness is the one we have to try to conquer first before we start taking a step to improve or change the others on the list. It's hope that keeps us going, hope for a better day, to get the girl, to look the best we can, score great marks, achieving whatever it is we have set as a goal etc.  Please be hopeful for things to get better, then you can set out to fix the other things.
Is there someone older that you can trust, to talk to? 

[Felix]

As others have been saying, there won't be strapping you down or anything like that.  I contacted a therapist when it became something I was seriously considering.  She helped me a lot and referred me to a doctor who figured out that I was anemic and had low thyroid, both of which make the symptoms worse.  I think that I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out without them.  Are you a student?  If so there is probably a counseling center that you could visit for free.  Please go talk to someone.  You could even write things down to hand to them instead.  At the least you'll be in the same place as now.

I agree that writing things down can help if you're having trouble letting your guard down. The first time I saw a therapist I was desperate and motivated to find a way to be okay, but I was extremely uncomfortable with talking to the guy. We finally started making progress when I wrote stuff down and gave it to him, instead of just coming into his office and squirming and feeling suspicious and combative and uncomfortable.

[pidgeontoed]

I would like to share a few links and numbers directly in this thread as I, too, have attempted suicide and have had suicidal thoughts (still do). Hopefully these things will help for you as they have helped me. I have these phone numbers in my emergency contacts in my cell phone in case things get bad. They are 24-hour hotlines, completely anonymous and have people on hand to listen if you need.

If you're in the U.S...
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Lifeline (LGBTQ) -- 1-866-488-7386

There is also the Suicide Prevention Wiki page that has links to international lifelines at http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/.

One more is a group I'm involved with called "To Write Love On Her Arms", they've helped me just reading the stories, following their Facebook page, and knowing that someone's out there. They also have links to various resources for many troubles in life, not just suicidal thoughts/feelings. Their website is http://www.twloha.com/index.php.

As someone who has been there before, just over the past few months, I want to echo what people have said here. It will get better, take it one small step at a time. The first step can be so hard to do, but once you find the rights things to focus on, it can start a chain reaction. There are always ups and downs, we have to get good at coming back up. Wishing you the best and thinking about you Cody. You can do it.

[Felix]

Also, seriously Cody, you are cool. It's not fair that your life doesn't paint that picture accurately for you. We all can get wrapped up in circumstances. Just be a fortress, a rock star, a panther, any kind of badass you'd like to be.

[N.Chaos]

Cody, if it makes you feel any better, I've got almost all of those signs on a near-daily basis, and I'm still kickin'.

[King Malachite]

Hey Cody,

I have at least half if not more of those warning signs too but there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps for a goal you could focus on yourself and getting in touch with your inner self using meditation and zen music to realize your self worth or maybe draw or write out your feelings or focus on a talent you have.