high school - should I be stealth or not?

[Wilhelm]

I read a poem today it's called "Masks". It went like this:

"She had blue skin.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by –
And never knew."

Which made me think... I kinda want to be "open" about being transgender. I'm not gonna shout it out on rooftops or anything but I don't really want to be stealth. Like maybe if I'd just try and explain it to my classmates the first day of school and hope they don't beat me up and rape me in a car. But I'm not sure that's a good idea so I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or have heard how it went for people who were open about it high school. And just simply, do you think I should be stealth or not?

[mixie]

I would think that some people wouldn't understand it very well. If they go talk to parents or others there is a lot of discrimination about it.  I would go stealth if you can pass.  Think of it this way, do your other classmates feel the need to discuss what they have between their legs? 

[Wilhelm]

Yeah, that's true... I guess I could just not hide it. Kinda like if someone asked I'd tell them but if not then I'd just keep quiet.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Are you stealth now?  If not do you have the ability to go stealth?  I'd be stealth if I were you, though I don't consider being stealth as "hiding" because it's a medical condition that not everyone needs to know.  If you pass as male/live as male and come out as trans be prepared for a whole ton of ignorant/offensive questions.

[sonopoly]

I think it depends on if you can handle it and how liberal your community is.

[Kreuzfidel]

I'm not sure what to tell you - there are potential consequences for being stealth and "outed" (eg. Brandon Teena) and being open about being trans.  I just know how cruel people can be, especially teens.

[Berger]

I'm not sure what to tell you - there are potential consequences for being stealth and "outed" (eg. Brandon Teena) and being open about being trans.  I just know how cruel people can be, especially teens.

That's why I'm terrified of going stealth, so I suppose that's why I'm more open about it. Usually if you try to be stealth or lie about things then people find out, that's when things can get violent. Also, I've heard of stories from people who were stealth and when their friends found out, their friends just completely abandoned them because of it. I'd rather be out to my friends with them knowing from the start so I know they'll always be by my side. I don't go around introducing myself as "Hi, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-, how are you today?" but I don't blatantly deny it. If people ask me questions I answer and explain the situation, and since my name isn't legally changed yet and I'm still in my hometown where people tend to recognize me it's almost inevitable I'll be outed where ever I am. I know there's risks to being out as well, but it seems more risky in my opinion to be stealth and then be outed.

[Felix]

I would totally go stealth if I were in a high school situation, but your safety concerns are valid as well. I guess just do what you think you'd be good at. You'll need strategy and a bit of a thick skin whichever route you take.

[King Malachite]

This is very hard because if you come out as trans you may get harrassed but if you go stealth and are outed that will probably be worse.  It may be best to just be open about being trans when people ask about it.  This also depends on where you live. 

[harlee]

I went to high school as stealth for 1 year and 6 months.. and for the first time in my life, school was actually fun Being stealth feels great esspecially when its around people your age! My name wasnt legally changed, I was lucky enough to get by with a preferred name I had put down when I enrolled. There were a few close calls with me being outed tho (because of my legal name), and I think towards the end maybe 3 or 4 people were a bit supisious. But no one really ever said anything, and I lived! Being stealth or not I guess is up to you. But I guess you can have either a good or bad experiance with which ever one you choose, its hard to say. I was always worried that someone would see the "F" on the class roll (until they made the rolls computerised and gender wasnt shown) and one day someone did! But I was lucky.. the boy who spotted it laughed, thinking the office had gotten it wrong. He told me I should probably go and get it changed at lunch time (and he was gay!). Maybe you should do what you suggested.. tell people if they asked but then stay quiet 

[dmx]

Entirely up to you.

Personally, I would not. I used to be somewhat open about it, and told a few people who I met after I had already begun to transition. Now I regret telling them, and have almost cut all associations with them because this is a vulnerable, sensitive piece of information I do not want used against me. It makes me uncomfortable having people know because I don't want them to misconstrue anything about me. I want to be seen for exactly who I am: a man and not a transman.

The truth is it makes people treat you differently and leaves you open to a lot of vulnerability. You may not realize this in the earlier stages of transition, but the further you are assimilated into male culture (for lack of a better term) the more evident it will become. Once this information is out, you can't take it back. And there will be times when you want to.  I think you'd do better in the long run by keeping quiet.


There can be exceptions of course. All my closest friends know I'm trans because I trust them and I need the support. But that's it. I wouldn't want just anyone knowing I was transsexual in this society.

[supremecatoverlord]

Entirely up to you.

Personally, I would not. I used to be somewhat open about it, and told a few people who I met after I had already begun to transition. Now I regret telling them, and have almost cut all associations with them because this is a vulnerable, sensitive piece of information I do not want used against me. It makes me uncomfortable having people know because I don't want them to misconstrue anything about me. I want to be seen for exactly who I am: a man and not a transman.

The truth is it makes people treat you differently and leaves you open to a lot of vulnerability. You may not realize this in the earlier stages of transition, but the further you are assimilated into male culture (for lack of a better term) the more evident it will become. Once this information is out, you can't take it back. And there will be times when you want to.  I think you'd do better in the long run by keeping quiet.


There can be exceptions of course. All my closest friends know I'm trans because I trust them and I need the support. But that's it. I wouldn't want just anyone knowing I was transsexual in this society.

I've been in this position before and I entirely agree with how you feel.
I don't want strangers to know, because they treat you differently and never truly see you as a man to some degree. I don't really identify with being trans; I identify as a guy, and I'm only transitioning because it's the only way I'm able to make my body and mind work in sync with each other - it isn't to make a point and it isn't to act as a "trans brochure" for people I've never even met before. If people know you are trans pre-everything, they will treat you a lot differently than a guy once you start. There were plenty of girls at this college campus I used to frequent that thought I was cute, but everyone there also knew I was born with "female associated parts", so even though they sometimes would comment flirty things on my pictures, they would make sure to have tons of sex with bio-guys and then tell me about it. I have several other stories I could tell as well, but you get the gist, I assume.

Indeed, as for Thomas, unless he identifies as gender non-binary of some sorts, he may need to cut some people out of your life to go stealth in the future...that is if he decides to be open about being a transguy. If I could have gone stealth in high school, I certainly would have. It would have made me feel a whole lot better about myself honestly to be accepted for who I  was, not merely what my body wrongfully attempted to say I was.

[conformer]

I would personally go in stealth and see how the environment of the school is. Like how friendly they are to the LGBT community, if there are a lot of LGBT student and all that. If the school is pretty open minded and friendly, I would tell close friends and other trans people and if anyone else asked. . . depending on how they ask of course, I'd probably be open with them.

Luckily my school has a fairly big LGBT population and is pretty damn open minded/friendly.  I went in passing as a male totally, but choosing to go by female pronouns and stuff (I had no support at home nd didn't feel comfortable going by male pronouns/Jacob). I just finally started coming out to friends the end of sophomore year when I was comfortable with doing so and went in Junior year telling everyone my name is Jacob and it was really smooth sailing. No one made a big deal of it at all, though my friends and I kinda made it clear that if you don't agree with it then piss off, and not a lot of people at my school even know as of now. So I'm kinda half stealth half out, if someone honestly wants to know I'll tell them.

[dmx]

I've been in this position before and I entirely agree with how you feel.
I don't want strangers to know, because they treat you differently and never truly see you as a man to some degree. I don't really identify with being trans; I identify as a guy, and I'm only transitioning because it's the only way I'm able to make my body and mind work in sync with each other - it isn't to make a point and it isn't to act as a "trans brochure" for people I've never even met before. If people know you are trans pre-everything, they will treat you a lot differently than a guy once you start. There were plenty of girls at this college campus I used to frequent that thought I was cute, but everyone there also knew I was born with "female associated parts", so even though they sometimes would comment flirty things on my pictures, they would make sure to make sex with bio-guys and tell me about it. I have several other stories I could tell as well, but you get the gist, I assume.

Indeed, as for Thomas, unless he identifies as gender non-binary of some sorts, he may need to cut some people out of your life to go stealth in the future...that is if he decides to be open about being a transguy. If I could have gone stealth in high school, I certainly would have. It would have made me feel a whole lot better about myself honestly to be accepted for who I  was, not merely what my body wrongfully attempted to say I was.

Yup, I agree with all of the above and feel the same way. I'm stealth right now at my school (which is an alternative school for ages 15-40) and it's awesome to be treated just as a guy with no one aware of my past.

You're also right that being "out" makes girls hesitant to flirt with you. :/

Try it out for a while, Thomas, and then decide.

[Felix]

I agree that a lot of people will never treat you like you're actually a man if they know you're trans. It sucks. It hurts. I don't know how that fact relates to your high school experience, though.

[Inkwe Mupkins]

This is one thing I struggle with. I didn't have any friends in high school except for another transman. This was my first year of college and I've met some really nice people and made some friends.

Sometimes there are things that excite me and I'd love to share the news but I can't because it's trans related. On Facebook I watch what I post to make sure I don't say anything trans related because of the new friends I have on there.

I worry all the time that someone; them or anyone is gonna find out. There are times I overhear people talking about how transsexuals in a negative way and it cause even more anxiety and stress.

The 2 friends I have now are really cool, sometimes I wonder can/should I tell them. But what if they tell everyone. You can't trust anyone these days.

I feel like some murderer hiding dead bodies in the basement or something. If I tell my secret people are just gonna tear me to pieces.

[Noah James]

I guess I can see what you mean when you explain why you wouldn't want to go stealth. Still, it's high school, and teenagers can be pretty mean - trust me, I'd know. I'm still in high school, and I've got a year and a half to go, but currently, I am known as a girl. Point being, if you don't know me... well, let's just say that I've gotten several strange looks and comments when walking out of the women's restrooms, so much so that I don't even use the restrooms at school anymore...

Long story short, though, my dad and I have decided that it's best if I change my name and speak with the school before the next year starts so that I could be registered as a boy and treated as a boy by my new teachers and classmates. It's such a big school that almost no one would notice, and the people who matter already know, so I guess I'm going "semi-stealth." 

I'd say let the people closest to you know that "hey, you're a good friend of mine and I just thought you should know that I'm trans..." etc., if you really want to tell them, but otherwise it's probably best to keep it to yourself for now.