I tried "manning up" very early, again after graduating university, yet again after after separation/divorce from my wife, yet again after a fiancee called things off ......
Don't get me wrong, I've done pretty good. I really have very little regret over my decisions. By almost any measure (besides physical appearance), as a guy, I done good. In a perfect world if I could just wake up as I often prayed since the age of 4, as a girl, I'd do it in a flash.
For me it was always a question of balance. At 6' tall, big boned, very balding in my teens
and a host of other negatives like weighing 250 lbs way way back, my answer was always No Way can I transition. Today, some 30+ years after my first experiment at part time, the answer is more like a definite maybe yes I can. Of course, life has complicated any immediate decision.
If my wife said, asked, and for the most part even subliminally asks me to stop the insanity, I know I can. Essentially, due to work and other life pressures, even my occasional releases were put on hiatus for a good 10 years. Quality time with her was more important. She has known about me since the first date, mostly supportive, but understandably would like things not to drastically change.
I guess it's the pragmatist in me that affords me the flexibility to endure guy mode. It sucks, but not to the point of offing myself. Long ago I thought locking Joanne away was the easy way out. during the ensuing years I've since learned that it take an incredible amount of bravery, perhaps more than transitioning, to keep up the pretense of being a guy.
The net energy drain may be the same, no matter what decision is made. The simple fact is one path is an essentially joyless life, the other......
