First, two things: First, I'm posting this on a public forum so others browsing and are still trying to decide can see this quote. Second, I've struggled for the past 4 years to figure out my gender issues, and whether or not I am truly female or androgynous, bigendered or whatever, this quote, while I haven't known about it for as long as I've been struggling, summarizes what has driven me in a clear way.
From the movie: The Matrix, a briefing of the context to the quote: in reference to a scene where Neo comes into a car with the rebels that work with Morpheus, and Neo refuses to have a bug implanted into him be removed by the rebels, before he can go see Neo to find out what is the Matrix, and they give him a choice that either he cooperates or he leaves, and Neo chooses to leave, and opens the car door to see a wide road that is lit at night but darkens in the distance, and Trinity says:
"You've been down there, Neo. You already know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be."
I started crossdressing in 1994, and around 1998 I started desiring being a woman. It was only till 2007 did I get my chance to start exploring just how feminine and womanly I could be. Well, I did and I was astonished, amazed, at just how natural I could be and the feelings I was able to feel. Still, a part of me that didn't desire me to do such risky things in terms of what others would think of me started fighting back. Since then it has been a back and forth struggle between wanting to be a woman and still trying to see if I could "be male".
I've been a male in my life, and even got social approval from them at times. I've been on at least one relationship with a woman. Yet, I always found myself coming back to me wanting to be a woman and more recently, being disappointed in life and regretting that I didn't take the road less traveled to transition years ago.
I know that if I go down "that road" again, It will be unfulfilling and will maintain my disappointment with life. I know if I go down "that road" again, I will never have the satisfaction of life that I need in order to do big things in my life. I know if I go down "that road", and try to have a girlfriend and even a wife, I will eventually become jealous of her and it will trigger my resentment of not being able to be female, not to mention the uncomfortableness of having to be a guy to a heterosexual woman, not to mention that I'm not even comfortable with having sex with a woman other than non-intercourse affectionate things. I know if I go down "that road" again, my friendships will not be fulfilling. I know if I go down "that road" again, I will be a screwup, a person that will never fulfill my own potential because I don't have any drive behind it, because the key component in my life is missing. I know "that road" will end in disappointment, unhappiness, unfulfillment, and regret of my life, which is getting stronger now that I'm getting close to 30.
Regardless of whether or not I'm truly female, my desire to be a woman is very significant, and is at least enough for me to have considered myself for some time as "not male" and with no desire to go back. I don't have a desire to keep male genitals (well, in fact I've wanted a vagina for perhaps the last 8 to 10 years.) I may not have that default "gender identity" thing that so many transgender people seemingly have, but I was able to feel as a woman and I loved it, I felt like I was truly comfortable with myself and liking of who I am. It's not that its horribly uncomfortable in presenting as male (it is right especially after dressing though), but that its like going down "that road" that is safe but unfulfilling, something that only gets me acceptance but "not what I wanted", and gets me especially uncomfortable when socializing with other people.
So this is why despite all the negative crap that the part of my mind that wants me to be safe gives me about the danger of going down the road less traveled (as well as negative stuff about women in general), I still feel like I must find out just how much of a woman I am (which can only happen if I'm in a supportive environment) and at the very least allow it to be in my life.
BTW, should it even matter if I am "truly female" or not?
