Can't figure out who or what I am. Advice please?

[Grabmongral]

This might be a long one, and I don't know if this is the correct section, so please be gentle. This thread is basically about my confusion. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to transition MtF, or if I'm simply andro.

I'm currently an 18 year old male and I've never felt quite right. Let me start from the absolute beginning.

As a small child growing up, I was always interested in female things, but male things as well. I guess even (as I'm told by my family, anyway) that when I was like five years old, I liked to dress up like a little girl. I always kind of felt weird about that, that my mother and sister would do something like that to me and laugh about it. I felt weird of it until I was in my early teens, around twelve or so. Around that age, I started to experiment with cross dressing. For me, it felt incredible. Of course given my personality, I always dressed up as more of a tomboy. Even though I feel femininity I still seem to have an equal mix of masculine traits. At around 17, I actually started to buy my own female clothes and wear them out. I'm not talking about halter tops and dresses and so on, but stuff like skinny jeans and form fitting long sleeves. I guess what I'm getting at is the clothes give me a sense of freedom and make me happy for some unexplainable reason. It's never been a sexual excitement thing for me, and it never will be.

Now, off the clothes subject.. more to my personality.
As I said above I'm interested in both male and female things, but even still most of those are just stereotypes. When I get down on a bare bones level I feel like I sometimes interact better with women. I only have a few close male friends, as I can't really sympathize on things with 90% of the male population. I'm not interested in sports, or trying to get buff, or trying to impress women by flaunting a six pack around. I guess I feel like a black sheep, the odd one out. Not only that, but I've noticed subtle feminine mannerisms that I seem to have no control over. I'll just notice myself standing a certain way, carrying myself a certain way, walking a certain way and so on. I've never gotten comments about it, but I know people are sometimes confused. I'm sure my parents might think I'm gay because of how I carry myself like a woman sometimes.

Now comes the big things.

I put myself in a position where I basically said. "If I could never wear female clothes, and never transition. Had to have short hair and a beard, and couldn't act feminine - how would I feel?" I would be pretty sad. I wouldn't commit suicide (Mainly because of personal belief, I'm not religious but I would never take my life, I'd feel like it would be a waste), I would continue my life.. but it would be painful to not be able to express my femininity. When it comes down to it, I'm on the fence. What if I fully decide to transition MtF and don't like it? questions like that scare me. Not only that, the loss of friends and family which would be absolutely certain is something that scares me. My family is not the most understanding. I ask myself questions such as "Would I like to get something like FFS, or HRT?" and I'd say yes. One thing that makes me wonder if I'm truly wanting to be a woman, or if I'm just an andro is this - I'd never want SRS. I'm completely fine with my genitalia. I feel as if I wouldn't want any type of SRS unless it was magical, and I could snap my fingers and be absolutely a genetic female. (I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't want to settle for less. I've always been stubborn like that. I feel the same way with passing. If I couldn't pass, I'd be afraid of doing it. I live in a rural town, and not passing could possibly be bad for my health.


So yeah, in a nutshell: I'm on the fence. Unsure if I'm wanting to be a woman or just an andro. FFS and HRT sound fine, but SRS is a big "hell no" to me. Quite lost and confused in my life.

Any help and advice would be so, so, SO appreciated. So please be gentle, and thank you very much for reading. If you have any other questions about me and how I feel on anything I didn't cover, please ask and I'll respond as best as I can.

[KillBelle]

We probably need a bit more information on this, have you considered seeking help from a gender therapist??  Do you think that you are a crossdresser perhaps?

[Grabmongral]

We probably need a bit more information on this, have you considered seeking help from a gender therapist??  Do you think that you are a crossdresser perhaps?

I have considered getting help quite a bit actually. The problem is that there are none in my area, and I don't have financing to pay for it. I would have to wait until I'm financially secure and stable, and away from the nest (I.E. my parents) before attempting it.

I don't think that I'm just a crossdresser, it feels like it runs alot deeper than the clothes and an act. It feels like I'm a tomboyish girl. Which I know quite a few girls who have transitioned and kept almost all of their male interests and hobbies. which makes me feel less odd.

[Katelyn]

I was just as lost as you, and in some ways still am.  All I can say is 1: get a therapist, and 2: prepare to spend a lot of time experimenting and doing introspection, 3: meet all kinds of people that are "between the genders": gay, lesbian, androgynous, and transgender people.  Experimenting is really important because you can then ultimately use those experiences to know more about yourself, what you like, how far you may want to take something, etc...

I myself am in a sort of way in between the genders since I'm not a traditional TS, and i'm sort of bigender (but now the mode other than female is basically androgynous or "not male", plus I desire to look female and have a female body nevertheless) and I've thought for some time that all of us that are transgender and don't fit cleanly in any of the definitions and especially ones who are genetically male (because there are PLENTY of genderqueer genetic females that like to look butch) should get together because to me its hard to find such people in the outside world.

[KillBelle]

I see, than you are a lot like me, I still keep old boyish habits....such as hunting quite often, fixing things etc. old habits tend to die hard! The most important thing (in my opinion) is that you come to terms with who you are so that you don't waste any time starting HRT. You're young, it has a tremendous impact on you at this age (i started at 18), so you should find a way to seek a therapist so you can get the answers you need and possibly start transitioning. Don't wait!

Goodluck <3

[Grabmongral]

I see, than you are a lot like me, I still keep old boyish habits....such as hunting quite often, fixing things etc. old habits tend to die hard! The most important thing (in my opinion) is that you come to terms with who you are so that you don't waste any time starting HRT. You're young, it has a tremendous impact on you at this age (i started at 18), so you should find a way to seek a therapist so you can get the answers you need and possibly start transitioning. Don't wait!

Goodluck <3

Oh absolutely, I have many habits and hobbies that I would never lose interest in. Like you, hunting and fixing. Plus I have a fondness for PC gaming, building computers, guns and military history. Well, history in general too. I just need to really have a deep heart to heart with myself and truly figure out who I want to be, lost friends and family be damned.. Because if I can't live for myself, then that is a pretty sad existence. I'm trying my hardest to find a therapist, but on most gender therapist listings, all of them are atleast 100+ miles away. And I can't see making a drive like that alot, unless it's once a week or something.  If I was out on my own right now with financial stability I'd probably going full bore.

Thank you so much.

I was just as lost as you, and in some ways still am.  All I can say is 1: get a therapist, and 2: prepare to spend a lot of time experimenting and doing introspection, 3: meet all kinds of people that are "between the genders": gay, lesbian, androgynous, and transgender people.  Experimenting is really important because you can then ultimately use those experiences to know more about yourself, what you like, how far you may want to take something, etc...

I myself am in a sort of way in between the genders since I'm not a traditional TS, and i'm sort of bigender (but now the mode other than female is basically androgynous or "not male", plus I desire to look female and have a female body nevertheless) and I've thought for some time that all of us that are transgender and don't fit cleanly in any of the definitions and especially ones who are genetically male (because there are PLENTY of genderqueer genetic females that like to look butch) should get together because to me its hard to find such people in the outside world.

Yeah, I've been trying to link up with individuals who know more about the subject than me. Trying to devour as much information as I can on the subject and make an informed decision on how to proceed. I don't feel so alone now that I know there are others just as confused as me.

[Katelyn]

I see, than you are a lot like me, I still keep old boyish habits....such as hunting quite often, fixing things etc. old habits tend to die hard! The most important thing (in my opinion) is that you come to terms with who you are so that you don't waste any time starting HRT. You're young, it has a tremendous impact on you at this age (i started at 18), so you should find a way to seek a therapist so you can get the answers you need and possibly start transitioning. Don't wait!

Goodluck <3

So it's ok if you don't exactly fully fit in with the GGs and still keep some of those "male things".  My feeling is that the more I get to be a woman, the more I'll start to lose interest in some of those "male things" because I only cared about them because of my lack of being able to be in the female world.

[AbraCadabra]

So it's ok if you don't exactly fully fit in with the GGs and still keep some of those "male things".  My feeling is that the more I get to be a woman, the more I'll start to lose interest in some of those "male things" because I only cared about them because of my lack of being able to be in the female world.

Katelyn,
well your feeling on the subject is mine also.
I still use some of those 'old' skills to save money or just get something done, without having to get frustrated to wait for a man to fix it - as many GGs just have to, as they never learned any of those skills.
But as you say, I also lost interest and certainly would do other stuff having the option.

Most 'boy pursuits' bore me these days, even frighten me. In the old days, I just had to bite the bullet and do it – AND NOT BAT AN EYE LID!
No more please, if at all possible.

Axélle

[Korra]

Well keep in mind also that SRS isn't required...

[Grabmongral]

Well keep in mind also that SRS isn't required...

Yeah, I've slowly realized that.

[Grabmongral]

I've always heard that if your mother had hormonal imbalances when she was pregnant with you, then it could also cause GID. My mother had exactly that.

Is there any truth to that statement?

[smooth]

You sound pretty balanced to me. On the fence is a good place to be if that's where you're comfortable. I'd say stay up there and don't worry about climbing down until you're ready, assuming you ever feel the need to...
Don't feel like you need to fit any boxes cos you don't.
There's no reason I can think of why you couldn't continue on as you are. It sounds like your choice of clothing isn't requiring you to be more feminine looking so why consider ffs or hrt. If you don't have any issues with your body or your face leave things as they are. You're free to change your mind at any time but you might have trouble changing it back.
You say "you've never felt quite right" This isn't your fault, it's probably got something to do with the views and stand points of others around you and their take on Stuff!, so many sheepal 
Being "different" is not something to be feared or corrected, not wanting to be "buff"  or talk about football, birds or drinking loads of beers down the pub.... And! 
"FFS and HRT sound fine" FFS: They cut your face open at your hairline and pull the skin down to expose your skull. They either remove a front part of your forehead and reshape it or they file it down. They stick bits in or shave things off, scar tissue, numbness, pain, expense. What part of that sounds fine  HRT isn't something to be taken lightly either, forget the physical changes that you Might get, it will change the way you think, it might even kill you if you're really unlucky.
You can always get rid of a beard if you want to and unless you join the armed forces no-one should be telling you how to wear your hair.
There are no hard and fast rules or parameters regarding what you should or shouldn't do to fit in with your gender should you feel you need to... The general population don't seem to pay it too much attention. It seems that the TG community are a little more fixated on such things, choosing to adopt what they feel they should to closer fit the mould....
In some areas I'm a bit of a black sheep myself sometimes, it's not something I fear or worry about, I actually consider it an asset and so should you.
Be true to yourself and follow your own yellow brick road. At 18 life is just opening up for you, embrace it, try everything, enjoy!
One good thing your not burdened by religion and you don't want to waste your life, you're off to a winner from the start 
I have a son of a similar age and I'd be telling him the exact same thing, Best of luck with life, keep smiling