Is it normal to be insecure as a transgender?

[Jaehjlee]

I've been insecure and shy ever since I was little, and I just grew up with low self-esteem. I was wondering if this was partly due to the fact that I'm a FTM?

Like I feel a lot more comfortable around guys than girls, but I usually don't hang with them since they treat me as a girl, which isn't their fault at all because I'm closeted. And I'm even worse around girls, since I'm just naturally shy, and when I'm with a group of girls I force myself to act more feminine so they wouldn't be weirded out by me.

Just wondering if anyone else is like this?

[shortNsweet]

I can't really say for everyone, but what you described sounds pretty familiar to my story. Though in high school I went through a phase where many people would have called me a little outgoing. I was still insecure about it and it didn't last more than a few years.

I'm still shy and quiet, but I've opened up to a few girls and I definitely feel more comfortable hanging out with them.

You're definitely not alone.

[spacial]

Yep.

Pretty much.

[Princess of Hearts]

When you have to hide who and what you are an unstable, reactive personality naturally forms.   People without GID can be who they are to a much greater degree.   I have no friends and the closest I have come to a romantic relationship was a Valentine's Day card that I received when I was 12.   I greatly value truth and honesty in relationships which is impossible when you have to deny a huge part of yourself.   

I was a 'ghost' at school and I am still a ghost.

[Kreuzfidel]

I think it is the odd transperson who isn't at least a little insecure.  Just because people don't outwardly seem it doesn't mean they aren't internalising it.  I was/am so socially inept that I just stopped socialising until I can overcome some of my insecurity.  Added to ineptness is the fact that I'm deaf in my right ear and can't hear what people are saying sometimes.

[heffalump]

I think it's probably quite normal if you're one of "us". I certainly was very shy, insecure and had very low self esteem but hid behind clowning around and became relatively popular. I never ever to this day conquered the low self esteem, might get there some day with a bit of luck, hope you do as-well.

[Stephe]

I guess I'm the odd one out here, I'm over the top extroverted and always have been. I don't believe being shy is part of being trans. Was I insecure about being a woman when I first went full time? Of course that is likely pretty normal but it didn't take my long to blow that off and just be myself.

[shortNsweet]

I don't believe being shy is part of being trans.

I would agree that it's not a part of being trans. But shyness is a very easy side effect of being uncomfortable. Being trans can very easily make things uncomfortable for a person.

Everyone is different. If you can be a strong extrovert, I admire you.

[Jaehjlee]

I agree, it's different for everyone and the main reason people are outgoing is because they're comfortable with who they are, while for transgenders it is obviously be more difficult Thanks for the replies, and I have another question for those on T or E..did your insecurities become better after starting hormone replacement due to the fact that you're finally becoming the person you really are? Hope my question won't offend anyone..

[Stephe]

I agree, it's different for everyone and the main reason people are outgoing is because they're comfortable with who they are, while for transgenders it is obviously be more difficult Thanks for the replies, and I have another question for those on T or E..did your insecurities become better after starting hormone replacement due to the fact that you're finally becoming the person you really are? Hope my question won't offend anyone..

Hormones had zero effect for me. I guess I became comfortable with being trans years ago, although -mostly- passing as a female is still a goal.

For me getting my voice sorted was probably the biggest thing in "acting normal" again in my new gender. My looks have never really bothered me, even when I know I didn't pass at all. I've never minded standing out in a crowd (the mega extrovert in me again) but I hated looking fem and sounding like a guy, especially when I started to pass better. I found myself refraining from talking, which isn't my nature. It's nice to be able to strike up conversations standing in line or voicing my opinions in front of a crowd at a meeting etc and not be self conscious about my voice.

[JoanneB]

I was always a mass of insecurities and low self esteem. I could never believe I was good at anything. I think, because it was never me. I was a faker from the get go and HAD to be perfect or my cover is blown. If I wasn't good at what I was tasked with then the next thing to happen is they will see that I wasn't a guy.

These same insecurities had a lot to do with me ditching my first two attempts at transition. While doing the part-time thing I always felt like I was faking that! I was just some guy in a dress. Faking being a "Normal" guy seemed easier.

Nowadays, I still feel a bit like I am faking being a guy and am the most happiest being Joanne. My therapist noted how much more confident I am as Joanne then as John. Funny how time, and few life catastrophes, will change things.  As I try to meld the two mes into one whole healthy person I am not as insecure overall. It still doesn't take a lot, but only from very narrow specific sources,  to wreck my self esteem.

[Princess of Hearts]

Being completely closeted is like being an unprepared spy in an enemy country.   The best survival situation is to keep as low a profile as possible.    This works in the short to medium term.  However, once you get to be say 40 and you have had no friends, no romantic relationships, and precious little experience of mixing as a twenty and 30something then life will become intolerable.

It is far better to start transitioning now however afraid or unsure you are, because once you come out as yourself then not only will you feel much better, more calm and centred, you will be able to form genuine friendships with others.  Others will see you for who you are and the choice of becoming your friend or not will be up to them.     

Imagine this situation James has just announced to 'his' friends that 'he' is going to become Janice'.   The whole foundation of friendship is honesty.  The reason you are comfortable with certain people and they with you is that they like what you appear to be, and they feel that they know you as well as it is possible to know another person.   Now imagine James' friends reaction to 'his' shocking(from their point of view) announcement.   They are going to feel deceived, manipulated, lied to.  They are going to think was James just being my friend to get things from me?   Or worse 'Oh my God was James sexually attracted to me?!!'   

Be honest come out and yes risk losing friends, but you gain the double satisfaction of being finally able to express yourself and your remaining friends and any new friends will be there because they genuinely like you.

[Jamie D]

I guess I'm the odd one out here, I'm over the top extroverted and always have been. I don't believe being shy is part of being trans. Was I insecure about being a woman when I first went full time? Of course that is likely pretty normal but it didn't take my long to blow that off and just be myself.

You're a party girl.

I can tell 

[Dana_H]

Your story sounds just like mine. I'm practically made of insecurity.

[shortNsweet]

The people you surround yourself with can make or break a person's security.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I haven't met anyone: cis, trans, whatever, that isn't insecure.  Even if they do a good job of faking like they aren't they still are about something.

[Stephe]

The people you surround yourself with can make or break a person's security.

This is VERY true. If not for the support from my boyfriend, I would never have developed the self confidence I have. I do feel once U have it you're good to go but getting there is difficult.

[ValleyGirl]

When you have to hide who and what you are an unstable, reactive personality naturally forms.   People without GID can be who they are to a much greater degree.   I have no friends and the closest I have come to a romantic relationship was a Valentine's Day card that I received when I was 12.   I greatly value truth and honesty in relationships which is impossible when you have to deny a huge part of yourself.   

I was a 'ghost' at school and I am still a ghost.

You sound just like me - I'm amazed. I sympathize - often wondered why I have very few friends, and the single romantic relationship I was involved in was entirely driven by my partner's desire for me, and I was just going through the motions. It lasted the better part of a month - all I seemed to be able to do is go out to dinner with her, have a nice night on the town. The intimacy part just didn't work. I couldn't play the role that my physiology demands. It just wasn't right.

All my behavior is driven by hiding, at work, and in life in general. I hide who I am, I hide the inherent behaviors that I know - and you know, now that I'm in transition I'm trying less to hide them. For some odd reason, every job I've ever had, everyone in the workplace thinks I'm gay after a month or two. I went to lunch with a very open lesbian lady at the office - and she told me that she thought the reason I asked her out to lunch was because I was gay. I just put out 'something' intangible...

Or is it intangible? Voice, intonation, mannerisms are all very female as I've been told by numerous people. I believe it, but I just don't know how else to act or be. Guess my hiding doesn't really work all that well...

As far as the original poster is concerned - of course it's normal. I think it's a normal human behavior. Somebody who isn't insecure is someone with a problem in my view. Of course there are many varying degrees of insecurity - and I think just by the virtue of who we are - people who have been forced into the wrong bodies; made to take an artificial gender role that society demands of them will always lead us to question who we are, why we're doing this thing, and so on and so forth. It's just the nature of the beast.

[RAY]

I have so many problems being extremely shy plus many health issues that insecurity is so high with me that a normal life is impossiable. you not alone feeling that way. i never dated in high schools nor in my adult life never had any relationship. never had sex with anyone too shy to have such close bonds.

[King Malachite]

I have so many problems being extremely shy plus many health issues that insecurity is so high with me that a normal life is impossiable. you not alone feeling that way. i never dated in high schools nor in my adult life never had any relationship. never had sex with anyone too shy to have such close bonds.

My story is just about the same.  I'm VERY shy.  I have never had a local relationship or dated locally and I haven't had sex.  I haven't even kissed a person or held hands in a real romantice sense with someone.  I know it comes fro mbeing transgendered.  I wasn't good enough to fit in with the guys and I wasn't girly enough to fit in with the girls so I was and still am a loner.  I was constantly bullied and teased and to this day my self-confidence is shot to an all time low and being obese doesn't help.  I even find it weird when people compliment me.