I think I may do it for real this time

[VannaSiamese]

This is how I feel also

I figure I'm just a boy who happens to have some feminine qualities (and runs on estrogen instead of testosterone... and loves it).

Instead of being like other guys who wish they were stronger... bigger... more "masculine" ... I wish I were the opposite.

How come guys can go through GREAT lengths to change their bodies to more masculine (working out, taking suppliments, even extra testosterone and creatine!) and no one thinks anything else of it....

But if we decide we want to do the same effort to look more feminine... something is wrong with us?

Sure, I have a lot in common with women ... but I don't think that makes me one. The entire "am I a girl or boy" is all an issue of semantics anyway. It really isn't important. I figure I'll just do what I like... and let people figure out the semantics on their own ((And they do, some of my friends think of me as female...and some think of me as male lol))

Yay, I like that... that's how I use to be, and I miss it.  You wear who you are on your sleeve, and you own it. 

[Stephe]

For years I was a "gender queer" or whatever people wanna call it, a very out transperson but was obviously -born male-. It wasn't a bad time in my life but as I kept inching towards "presenting as female" I felt a push back from society. They seem to be OK with some presentation of gender variety but when I got close to the middle, I found you really have to either jump over to the female side or stay on the male side of it. Maybe this is what you're experiencing?

It also might be a reaction to the meds you're on. Have no idea what you're taking but progesterone made me anxious, couldn't sleep and normal estradiol gave me monster headaches. I was on just spiro for a long time and I felt great on just that, maybe that would be a good option? Later we added estriol and I'm fine/normal being on that.

Then again maybe you're destined to be on the feminine side of male, there is nothing wrong with that. I just found that for me it wasn't enough, it helped but I need to be on the other side of that line in the middle. Don't let the trans community tell you that you have to pass as anything other than yourself. If you think taking female hormones is wrong for you, then don't take them. This is about QUALITY OF LIFE and only you can decide what makes you happy!

[VannaSiamese]

It also might be a reaction to the meds you're on. Have no idea what you're taking but progesterone made me anxious, couldn't sleep and normal estradiol gave me monster headaches. I was on just spiro for a long time and I felt great on just that, maybe that would be a good option? Later we added estriol and I'm fine/normal being on that.

A lot of what I'm feeling does have to do with hormones.  If you look back through my other detransition posts, I always mention how much I hate my hormones.  I can't stand them.  They make me overly emotional, overly sensitive, and depressed. When I got off of them for my butt surgery, it took about 2 weeks to get over the shock of getting off of them, I became sad, depressed and my body was incredibly shaky.  I remember getting sick to my stomach several times just because of how shaky I was.  Then, after about 2 weeks, I suddenly felt amazing, and I continued to feel amazing for 4 weeks until I started taking my hormones again.  Around day 3 on hormones I began to get really depressed, really self conscious, bitchy, emotional... and I realized that it's my hormones that are making me feel this way.  Unfortunately, those symptoms are always present when I am on hormones.  I've known they caused these problems, but I didn't realize the full extent of it until getting off hormones.  So, 5 days ago I quit my hormones after being back on them for a week, and ever since then I have felt fantastic.  Even though I am going through these detransition thoughts, I'm not depressed, or sad, or unhappy... I feel great, just have a lot to think about.  Whereas, the other times I was going through this, I was so upset and depressed, because I was still on my hormones.

I know exactly how you feel.  which is why i made the decision to detransiton a few months back.
Like you, I was scared to do anything. Hormones eventually started to make me depressed and i also understand the "fake" feeling you talk about.

It took awhile to figure out who i really was, and yes, i do have regrets (quitting school, loosing friends etc) but if i didn't transition, It would have always been in the back of my mind.

At least now, I know who i really am!

I so envy you =)  I want to go back so bad, I just don't know if I can go through it.  How long were your living as a woman before detransitioning?
My problem is, I've forgotten how to socialize as a male.  I've spent 3 years socializing as female, and everytime I've tried to detransition I get confused in conversation and start reverting back to female.  Also, the majority of people here don't know I'm trans... So, I was secretive when I went out as a guy.  I didn't want anyone I knew to see me dressed male, because I didn't want to out myself since I wasn't certain if I wanted to de-transition.  That's going to be the hardest part, is just telling people that I'm going to transition to a boy.  I guess I'll just start out by telling them I am FtM, which will still leave me the option to change my mind and them not know I was born a boy. 

Did you have laser hair removal?  I am wondering if I will be able to grow facial hair if I go back?  I have had probably 12 sessions of laser, so I'm thinking that if I go back that if I can grow much facial hair that it may be patchy?  In which case, I would just get that lasered off, because I don't want to be patchy.  After being off hormones for a month and a half, the only place I grew any facial hair was on my chin, but I've always had a little growth there anyway... it was just more growth, and faster.  It would be fun to grow a little beard thing like you've got going on now. 

Btw, thanks for making an account just to make that post =)

[Joelene9]

Vanna,
  At least you are doing this while young.  I am pushing 60 now and started transitioning a year ago.  Unlike you and most on this forum, the HRT had a calming effect on me in so that even some of my original hair color is back, no long and deep mood swings.  Certain feelings that were supposed to be forming at adolescence did so this past summer which left me dazed and then angry from the basic things of younger adults being missed here.  Detransitioning has been on my mind lately, but the the problem is that the available ladies in my age group are through with long term relationships and romance in general.  I have blossomed in the winter of the human lifecycle. 
  Reconnect with family.  This will help with your detransitioning or the continuation of your transition.  Hugs.
  Joelene

[Rabbit]

They make me overly emotional, overly sensitive, and depressed.

I loveeeeee the crazy emotional and sensitivity! So so so so fun. I guess it could get old eventually...but... so fun

The depressed isn't good though But that might be from other causes?

[VannaSiamese]

SO, I called a new gender therapist today (Since mine retired in December) and left a message to schedule an appointment.  I told her it was urgent, so hopefully she can fit me in as early as today.  If not, I suspect it will be Monday or Tuesday.  I think it'll be good to try somebody new, who doesn't know me, my past, or that I've transitioned. 
Also, I picked a woman because I feel uncomfortable around women.  That's something that spawned when i started transitioning.  Had I picked a man, I'd be more inclined to be flirty and play the female role. 

I loveeeeee the crazy emotional and sensitivity! So so so so fun. I guess it could get old eventually...but... so fun

The depressed isn't good though But that might be from other causes?

Haha, try 3 years of it, it may not be as fun then =) 
I loved it too for about the first year.. I remember thinking, this is great, I'm in touch with my emotions, I cry now and feel more strongly for things than I use to.  After a while it gets pretty old.... I find myself crying for no reason, over reacting about little things, and just flat out being a bitch.  I listen to myself sometimes and I hate the person I am becoming, or have become.

[Tony888]

I so envy you =)  I want to go back so bad, I just don't know if I can go through it.  How long were your living as a woman before detransitioning?
My problem is, I've forgotten how to socialize as a male.  I've spent 3 years socializing as female, and everytime I've tried to detransition I get confused in conversation and start reverting back to female.  Also, the majority of people here don't know I'm trans... So, I was secretive when I went out as a guy.  I didn't want anyone I knew to see me dressed male, because I didn't want to out myself since I wasn't certain if I wanted to de-transition.  That's going to be the hardest part, is just telling people that I'm going to transition to a boy.  I guess I'll just start out by telling them I am FtM, which will still leave me the option to change my mind and them not know I was born a boy. 

Did you have laser hair removal?  I am wondering if I will be able to grow facial hair if I go back?  I have had probably 12 sessions of laser, so I'm thinking that if I go back that if I can grow much facial hair that it may be patchy?  In which case, I would just get that lasered off, because I don't want to be patchy.  After being off hormones for a month and a half, the only place I grew any facial hair was on my chin, but I've always had a little growth there anyway... it was just more growth, and faster.  It would be fun to grow a little beard thing like you've got going on now. 

Btw, thanks for making an account just to make that post =)

I'm not sure how long exactly i lived as a girl (it's a random blur) but it must have been about 3-4 years.
early 2008 - october 2011 something like that...

BUT i only started hormones in like 2010 and i self medicated on and off.

Haha i was worried about that too! but really, It wasn't a problem...as soon as i chopped off my hair it just came natural
I'll admit though, that the walk was the hardest part... sometimes i still have to remember to walk like a guy Lol.

Hmmm. I guess using "I'm a ftm" could work..and your right it leaves you the option to go back if you change your mind.

when i transitioned only family and a few friends knew, so when i turned up  like a guy everyone was like "do i know you?" haha.
so honestly i wouldn't know. If anyone else knows about my past, good for them but i couldn't give a crap if they do or even what they think!

(That's another thing, I noticed i got my confidence back after detransition. Man did i miss it!)

Nope never had laser hair removal. I did use an epilater on my face a few times.. but then again, I never really had much facial hair to begin with. sure, I have some now, but i haven't shaved in like 4 months..
so maybe yours will grow back.

You're welcome!


Btw, can't reply to message yet. not enough posts i assume.. but sure!
I don't have Skype, Aim, Msn etc but i do have Facebook.
I already searched for you, should i add you?

[VannaSiamese]

I'm not sure how long exactly i lived as a girl (it's a random blur) but it must have been about 3-4 years.
early 2008 - october 2011 something like that...

BUT i only started hormones in like 2010 and i self medicated on and off.

Haha i was worried about that too! but really, It wasn't a problem...as soon as i chopped off my hair it just came natural
I'll admit though, that the walk was the hardest part... sometimes i still have to remember to walk like a guy Lol.

Hmmm. I guess using "I'm a ftm" could work..and your right it leaves you the option to go back if you change your mind.

when i transitioned only family and a few friends knew, so when i turned up  like a guy everyone was like "do i know you?" haha.
so honestly i wouldn't know. If anyone else knows about my past, good for them but i couldn't give a crap if they do or even what they think!

(That's another thing, I noticed i got my confidence back after detransition. Man did i miss it!)

Nope never had laser hair removal. I did use an epilater on my face a few times.. but then again, I never really had much facial hair to begin with. sure, I have some now, but i haven't shaved in like 4 months..
so maybe yours will grow back.

You're welcome!


Btw, can't reply to message yet. not enough posts i assume.. but sure!
I don't have Skype, Aim, Msn etc but i do have Facebook.
I already searched for you, should i add you?

Yes please add me, I am Vanna Burnham on FaceBook.  There are 2 Vanna Burnham's, I am the one with the profile pic of Ben Bernanke =)

I think the right haircut could make me pass as male.  I will probably be viewed as FtM for a while, last time I tried to detransition that's what people though.  Once I get my voice, my swagger and my mannerisms down though, I should do just fine. 
See, i want my confidence back... I miss is so much.  I miss that male drive to compete and succeed, I lost that when I started taking hormones.  I figure if I go back I will leave my hair as it is for now, then cut maybe 6 inches off and get sorta a slightly long rocker haircut, and then once I'm completely decided I'll cut it back to how it use to be... which was still long, but very bad ass.  I think just cutting my hair would do a lot, people would recognize me, but I'd use my lower voice.  I guess I could just say I'm Vanna's twin brother to people that I know at restaurants and stuff.
The walk will be hard... i swish around quite a bit hehe

[Tazia of the Omineca]

Well to me transitioning is going to be like Naruto.
I've been watching I am not quitting. I'm waiting for it to be finished damn it!

[Joelene9]

Vanna,
  I'm happy that you have found yourself a new therapist!  Be patient, It may be longer for your first session, despite the urgency.  Be honest with your therapist and yourself.  I am still having problems finding one here with my limited income.  The gender therapist my Dr. had suggested is full up for the year!  Try to calm down, you're on an emotional roller coaster here. 
  Joelene

[Stephe]

A lot of what I'm feeling does have to do with hormones.  If you look back through my other detransition posts, I always mention how much I hate my hormones.  I can't stand them. 

Then don't take them. Hormones are NOT required to live as a woman. I lived full time for several years and just this last month or so have I found a type of E I can tolerate without bad side effects. Estradiaol made me feel like total crap, crawling out of my skin, migraine headaches constantly etc. After trying 4-5 different types I said "F this stuff" and just took spiro/finesteride. I felt great just killing off the T.

Again ALL of this is about quality of life.. You don't have to do the "whole checklist" to be happy. You don't have to even present as the opposite of your birth gender. You can be in between. If you miss "the male drive" then you totally shouldn't be on hormones. I think you're headed back in the right direction.

This person is a great example of why the cookie cutter "Pass as female or you will die" mentality is harmful.

[Bird]

Vanna would you mind if I added you as well?

[VannaSiamese]

Vanna would you mind if I added you as well?

Of course not. Just look for the photo of Ben bernanke when you add me

[Bird]

Added Vanna!

[Joelene9]

  I don't trust Facebook or I would of added Vanna (The Fed Chairman).  If I didn't say before, that's a pretty Chocolate Point Siamese (tomcat, if I remember?) on your avatar.   Hugs!
  Joelene

[VannaSiamese]

  I don't trust Facebook or I would of added Vanna (The Fed Chairman).  If I didn't say before, that's a pretty Chocolate Point Siamese (tomcat, if I remember?) on your avatar.   Hugs!
  Joelene

Thank you that's my kitty, Luigi. He's been with me for over 4 years, traveled across the country with me, and known me as van and Vanna. He once got lost for over 3 weeks when I moved to Portland and found his way home. He's been a pretty amazing cat
He's actually a seal point Siamese, thats why he is so dark. My other boy, Monroe, was chocolate, but he got run over my new girl, Zelda, is chocolate too, but she is just a kitten so she hasnt gotten dark yet.

[ItachiUchiha]

Well to me transitioning is going to be like Naruto.
I've been watching I am not quitting. I'm waiting for it to be finished damn it!

Sorry I was reading through this, and just had to go off topic for a bit. I seriously love naruto and I disagree, I NEVER want it to end. Lol, I've had to keep myself busy with fullmetal alchemist and death note while they release some more episodes so I don't die of anxiety waiting for them XD

Anyway, back to OP's topic. I am 18 (19 in a month) and I am almost positive I am going to start the whole transition thing soon (mtf). I'm very worried about this exact thing, and have been killing myself thinking for hours a day for the past few months if I really am transsexual. I've decided that, despite how scared I am of everything that will happen and maybe making a mistake, I was born a female and that's that. I will never be happy as a male, and if being who I truly am separates me from society and outcasts me, then that's their fault. What I'm saying is that you need to be whoever you are truly happy with, so whether it's male, female, or androgynous don't let other people influence you. Don't worry about not fitting in or passing, YOU need to be happy above all else, so don't go changing because of everyone else. Anyway, I don't know if that helps and I'm just starting myself, but that's what I've decided and I thought I would share. Good luck on whatever you choose

[VannaSiamese]

Sorry I was reading through this, and just had to go off topic for a bit. I seriously love naruto and I disagree, I NEVER want it to end. Lol, I've had to keep myself busy with fullmetal alchemist and death note while they release some more episodes so I don't die of anxiety waiting for them XD

Anyway, back to OP's topic. I am 18 (19 in a month) and I am almost positive I am going to start the whole transition thing soon (mtf). I'm very worried about this exact thing, and have been killing myself thinking for hours a day for the past few months if I really am transsexual. I've decided that, despite how scared I am of everything that will happen and maybe making a mistake, I was born a female and that's that. I will never be happy as a male, and if being who I truly am separates me from society and outcasts me, then that's their fault. What I'm saying is that you need to be whoever you are truly happy with, so whether it's male, female, or androgynous don't let other people influence you. Don't worry about not fitting in or passing, YOU need to be happy above all else, so don't go changing because of everyone else. Anyway, I don't know if that helps and I'm just starting myself, but that's what I've decided and I thought I would share. Good luck on whatever you choose

Thank you for your kind words =)
The problem is, is that I pass completely...100%.  I am completely accepted, only my closest friends know I am trans, I have a great job with lots of freedom, have a nice house, a car, a very successful boyfriend... and i'm completely misreable.  I am misreable because I feel like a phony, a fake.  Given the choice, yes, I would have liked to have been born a woman.  Unfortunately, I was not... I was born a man.  That is what I can't get over.  No amount of surgery, no amount of social acceptance, no amount of support will ever make me get over that. 

I don't think that transitioning was a mistake... I think I did the right thing.  I had to know if I wanted to be a woman, and I had to tell my family and friends my feelings.  I am not happy as a woman though... I am not confident, I am scared to leave my house, I have very few friends because I don't allow people to get close to me anymore, I obsess over my body and my appearance, and every second of my life is consumed with transitioning.  I want to have a life again. 

I think part of my problem was that I pass so well.  I passed from day 1, and I made a pretty girl... It was that allure that kept me going.  In my head I'm thinking, wow.. I pass completely and I make a good looking girl, what more could I ask for.  I got swept up in the attention from boys asking me out every week, to people asking me to do photoshoots, to feedback from my YouTube channel.  It all has propelled me forward, but now I have reached a point where none of those things matter to me anymore, and I realize how unhappy I really am.

My goal is to be living as full time male before my birthday (early March).  That gives me a month to think things through, buy some cloths, work on my voice, tell my friends "hey I'm transitioning to a guy, but don't worry, I was a guy all along," and mentally prepare myself.  I hope that I detransition this time... I think it'll be the best choice I ever made.  I am just scared I won't make it.  It seems harder this time around than it was to begin transitioning. 

[ItachiUchiha]

Well hey, nothing ventured nothing gained, right? If you have found out that you are truly happy as a male, then just as you decided to transition the first time, you probably need to do it again. You've found out that you wish you were born a woman, but are truly happy being the male that you were born as because you don't feel comfortable in your female body. In the end, you have gotten to be both sexes (physically) and lived as both, which I think is rewarding in and of itself. I, however, know that I will only be happy living as a female (i know I will always have some boyish things about me, but hey that's to be expected for living as a guy for 19 years) and I mostly just hope that I can pass physically (I don't have to be gorgeous, just look like an average female) because I just want to live a normal female life and don't want to constantly be reminded looking in the mirror that people will always see me as an in-between (transsexual) and not as the female I desire to be. Anyway, I'm happy for you that you have gone through these experiences and have found yourself, and I wish the best of luck in the rest of your journey and hope it leaves you happy

[VannaSiamese]

I, however, know that I will only be happy living as a female (i know I will always have some boyish things about me, but hey that's to be expected for living as a guy for 19 years) and I mostly just hope that I can pass physically.

I once felt this exact same way, which is why I transitioned. It took me 3 years of living as female to realize that this wasn't the case. So yes, I feel I made the right choice an that I did indeed need to transition. The point I'm trying to make is, your mind may change over time, no matter how you feel now, and how much you think that it may not change.