Just ended my relationship. Dealing with the guilt? (rant)

[Zerro]

Up until Monday morning, I had a cis guy partner who - despite his lack of understanding in some departments - was supportive of my transition and was even willing to use his vacation time to care for me post top surgery. I dropped him. (potential trigger for anyone who's sensitive to issues relating to sex below)

Why?

Well, there are many reasons, to be perfectly frank.

First, despite the fact that the relationship was barely three months old or so, he was way too attached to me. We had a nine year age gap(I being the younger one) and he got too serious too fast for me. His plans for the future were vastly different from mine. He wanted a big house and for me to live with him and all this...Overwhelming stuff that I could not stomach so early on.

He was possessive and would constantly cling to me in public, even if I was trying to do something. It became infuriating, because he would sulk and try to make me feel guilty if I asked him to lay off for a bit.

He pressured me into PIV sex, not once, but three times. After which I panicked and had to take Plan B twice to soothe my anxiety. I'm still having issues with my body image and other awful ->-bleeped-<- now. And after all of that? He said "Now we're truly one". That's completely fine to say to someone who has just been triggered. /sarcasm

After all that, despite him going "I don't care if you don't want to have sex ever again, I want to be with you" I could not shake the distrust he'd fostered in me.

My feelings for him and my patience wavered and just outright died over a recent outburst. It started when I was pressured into revealing that I did not have as intense feelings for him as he did for me, after which he called me a liar and freaked out on me. Then he told me he felt betrayed because my mother and I were looking into purchasing the house his landlord is selling, because hey, she and I need a place to live too.

He kept me up all night on the phone, the night before MIDTERMS and we argued and I was forced to say I'd try to make the relationship work because I wanted it to end and I needed some damn sleep.

This inconsiderate douche had the gall to expect me to blow off SCHOOL and spend all my time with him and after he tried to guilt trip me on Monday, I gave up. I was done.

It started out okay, the whole relationship thing, but I'm still seething over how much of a mess it became.

I'm in a rough patch, working on getting T and saving for top surgery, on top of trying to graduate from school and find part-time work so I can help my mother move or pay rent in the place we're staying now.

I can understand being hurt because someone doesn't like you the way you like them, but he's been vilifying me and acting passive aggressive since.

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty.

If I didn't have so much work to do, I'd hang out with some of my friends and do fun things, but it's not possible right now.

Can someone offer me advice on how to stop feeling guilty over this? Or even just support? I hate bugging people and going to them for help, but I'm honestly stuck here. :/

[cindianna_jones]

The most important thing to come out of this relationship is you. It sounds that you made the right decisions without investing a major part of your life. As far as guilt goes... You know you did the right thing. What do you feel guilty about? But I know, if you are a caring person, you'll still feel pretty bad for the other person. That's okay. Just focus on your school work. Relationships can suck a lot out of you or build you up. If you've been sucked dry, it may take some time to get over it.

My best to you.

Cindi

[Nathan90]

There's no need to feel guilty man.

From what I read and understand, that guy was way to clingy and attached. Acting like you were his instead of his partner. And if you have told him the PIV makes you uncomfortable, he shouldn't have pushed the idea, especially not a second or third time if you reacted so stressful on it.

It might be sweet and caring in a way. But it sounds more like a seperation anxiety disorder of some sorts he had going on.

It started out fun, it kicked you down, you ended it, good for you.

[MaxAloysius]

Sounds to me like you absolutely made the right decision! There's no reason to feel guilty about this at all.

[schism]

some of this reminds me of my ex husband.... especially the clingy, desperate to know that you feel as intensely as him, pressuring for sex.  and blaming me for our problems, which, when i think on it, i'm still pretty pissed about. 

you need to remember those issues are HIS issues, insecurities that he's pushed onto you.  you are not responsible for the way he feels, even if he claims you are.  it is in no way right to expect a person to feel exactly the same way; relationships don't work on manipulation and a self-percieved notion of what encapsulates reciprocated love.  you can't suffocate love out of someone.  the only feelings i see here are lust, which people often confuse with being in love... and lust comes from a purely selfish, controlling place; the person needs it NOW, they need it to be all-consuming and constant and they need it to be repeatedly affirmed... whereas genuine deep emotion is freeing and secure.

[AbraCadabra]

Well, right now he be physically attached to you BIG TIME, it's why he is so clingy. He has one MAJOR crush on you, the person you are at present, - pre-transition and all.
Your avatar explains some... you are very attractive to any male, or lesbian for that matter!

Once you have top-surgery, grow a beard on T, and other male identifiers that trip of his will be a dead as a dodo. But obviously not right now.

At present you are HIGHLY attractive to him, still essentially in best of female shape - I can feel for him. Control freak or not, he is obviously nuts about you and suffering like hell.

Since you are who you are, do not feel guilty! No regrets!
Yet I can sense I'd have similar issues if I was in his place... I think it is understandable. To me.

You have to break the spell (his), by being VERY firm now, lest you get yourself into most serious danger territory.
This man is obviously crazy about you – and such happens to the best of males.

Now I wish you LOTS of strength dear,
Axélle
PS: above opinion by 'lipstick-lesbian' (self)

[onep1ece7]

some people are just crazy controlling usually due to their own insecurities, I would not feel guilty at all..at the end of the day it is your life and you will decide how you live it and who you live it with...he does not sound like the right guy for you...if I were you I would focus on friends, family and transition and not in that order...good luck

[Ayden]

Sounds like you have no reason to feel guilty at all. If you need help dealing with guilt, read your original post. Or, make out a list of what was good vs. bad. Seems like you made the right choice.

[Andy]

A lot of what you describe is emotional abuse, plain and simple. (Not letting you sleep when you had exams is a classic example.)

You did the right thing. If anyone should feel guilty, it's him, not you. He needs a serious kick in the pants down the path of enlightenment, and life lessons in how to treat people you supposedly love. It's not like that. Yuck. Let go and move on. You will meet someone else so, so much better for you! You deserve it!!

[anibioman]

you did the right thing

[Zerro]

I really appreciate the supportive comments. I think the guilt is coming from the fact that I know how much it sucks to be told the person you're majorly into does not want to reciprocate those feelings. I like to keep my cool, but the pressure became too much and it ended with a lot of anger and bluntness on my part, something I hate doing. But it was necessary. If I had been wishy-washy and "Maybe we can do this", I'd have been lying and making things harder.

I've been feeling less guilty, though, and more indifferent. Guess it's just that I have more important things to do than essentially be someone else's babysitter. I can't control his reactions to things. I tried to be friendly and good about it, only to receive more yelling and accusations, so whatever. I'm not evil, I'm not a liar or a monster. I'm young and have bigger fish to fry. It's my right to say no, I shouldn't be vilified for that.

The only thing I'm actually worried about is the fallout if he chooses to make drama. We're in the same cast(er, drama from a drama group, why am I not surprised), and while I've been on hiatus, I'd rather there not be any fighting when I return from that hiatus.

I can hold my own, I can be strong. But that doesn't mean I enjoy fighting with people or brushing them off. So far I have the support of my friends and family, which is helping a lot. I guess I just didn't foresee the way this would end up.

It's just a shame. He was a cool dude, great cook, funny and all that. I was clear with what I wanted from the start, but he seems to have underlying issues that have him acting absolutely unreasonable. True what they say, though. Older/younger pairings don't seem to last long 'cause they're at different points in life.

Oh well, another lesson learned. If I end up with someone in the future, I need respect and understanding. I appreciate the support, it helps to know that I'm not wrong to have ended it. :)

(On a positive note, I'm going to be starting T soon. That is something excellent to look forward to, in my opinion.)

[AbraCadabra]

Sounding good now, well done, and stick to your guns :-)

Axélle