Emotional Help Please

[MaxAloysius]

This is not in any way trans related, but you guys are always so awesome, and I could really use some help.

I've mentioned a few times in past threads a friend of mine who is amazing. He's the most supportive and progressive person in my life, he looks out for me and seems to care deeply for me. We call each other brothers, but we're much closer than even that. My problem is that I care too much about him.

We've flirted with each other a fair bit, in a friendly manner, and I'm afraid that after all of the kindness and support he's shown me through everything, I've fallen in love with him. He has a girlfriend he's moving in with soon though, and who he intends to marry, so us being together was never a possibility.

I'm fine with that, and I'm happy for him and his girlfriend, but this whole experience has left me feeling like ->-bleeped-<-. I can't hear him talk about her without feeling like my heart is breaking, and no matter how much I try and talk myself out of it, I can't seem to make myself like him any less. Does anyone have any tips for getting over him?

It's actually gotten to the point where I'm considering cutting ties with him, simply so that I can put some distance between us. I really don't want to do that because he's my best friend in the world, but being around him right now is doing me a lot more harm than good...

[Felix]

I don't think you should cut ties. If I were you I would back up, get distance, and keep yourself as busy as possible for a bit. You can be busy for a day or a week or whatever, but it can help give perspective and insulation. So your headspace has more other things and less him. I think if you care about him cutting him out of your life suddenly might make you suffer over him more.

Maybe he'll matter to you in the future, and maybe he won't. Making yourself important enough to be okay either way is probably worthwhile.

[Kreuzfidel]

Bane, I'm sorry to hear this, mate.  I think Felix is right.  It's easy to feel so wrapped up in someone else when you have invested little in yourself.  I don't know if you're like me, but I have issues being too attached to people who have shown me considerable kindness because I've never been used to it.  I know you're looking for a short-term solution to ease the hurt and conflict.  Personally, I think backing away a little may help - not cutting him off completely.  But when you're not confronted with him and his gf all the time, it may be easier to shift your thoughts towards doing things to help yourself. Indulge a bit - buy a new CD, DVD, clothes...reward yourself.  This always helped me feel better.

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks for the answers guys.

And you're both right; cutting myself off from him completely is not something I want to do. But I forced separation for a week ('I can't see you, I'm busy, I'm sick' etc) and didn't feel any better at all. We talk to each other every single day normally, and spend hours talking on Skype at least 4-5 days a week, so a whole week without seeing each other is insane for us. He's not pleased with the situation either; he keeps begging me to catch up with him ASAP, which is making my saying no so much harder.

I'm definitely too invested in him; we spend so much time together I feel like he makes up about 90% of my world! I wish I knew what to do; his understanding and care for me help to get me through the day; I never felt this happy before I met him! But at the same time the bad feelings that come with this relationship drop me right back to that dark place that I thought I was finally free of.

He's on a short holiday with his girlfriend now (still texting me constantly every day though), which has given me a little more room to breathe, and I really just wanted to take this chance to work out a way to move on. Why can't there be some kind of miracle cure?

[Natkat]

hmm I had simular experience with a guy I know. hes straight and had plans of getting marrige and so..
in that case I where open about it and told him pretty fast that I where in love with him, but I also knew I couldnt have him.
of corse I where still felling horrible about it, but I liked the fact we could be honest about it.

I dont think theres any special way to get over him other than trying to put your focus somewhere ells, and then just let time do its thing.

[Wolfsnake]

If it was me, and I really trusted this guy, I'd kinda feel like I would need to let him know how I felt before I could move on. Because then, once it was out in the open, we'd both be able to mutually agree and say, "Yeah. That'll never work." Once I know something won't work, logically, it becomes a lot easier for me to accept it, even if it breaks my heart.

The flipside of this is that maybe he has the same feelings for you. And if he's spending literally hours a day with you (by phone, Skype or whatever) rather than with his girlfriend...that kinda says something right there.

I'll give you a little of the personal perspective that is influencing what I say here. I was all set to move in with someone a few months ago. We'd been together six years. I loved him. I still love him, and probably always will. He was avoiding me, though, and frankly, I was avoiding him too. I think we both knew we were now very different people than when we started going out, incompatible people, but we'd been so close for so long it was terrifying to think of breaking up. If I hadn't broken up with him, though, I'd never have known how much happier I'd be with a very close friend of mine who'd been hiding his feelings for me for nearly a year. I'm really glad that friend spoke up.

Again, this is what I think I'd do. I don't know much about you, or him, or your life, or his girlfriend, or anything really. So take free advice for what it's worth.

[MaxAloysius]

If it was me, and I really trusted this guy, I'd kinda feel like I would need to let him know how I felt before I could move on.

He already knows. I've asked him to stop the flirting because I can't deal with it anymore, and he's backed off a fair bit, but he still wants to talk to me every single day, and is constantly hugging me. He's told me he loves me before now (which is not frigging helping!!!!), but he loves his girlfriend more, and he's never going to leave her; of that we're both certain.

And thanks heaps for the advice Wolfsnake and Natkat.

[Morgan.]

It sounds like the sort of stuff he's saying to you obviously isn't helping the situation, and if he's still doing certain things/saying certain things that are flirtatious then that's not fair if he's aware of how you feel.

Just to echo the advice Kreuz and Felix gave already, you don't need to cut ties necessarily but distance yourself. Keeping yourself in the situation when it is causing you emotional trauma isn't very healthy.. I've been in a similar situation before. Until you can distance yourself from the situation and see it for what it is, it could just become a very toxic cycle. Do things for yourself. Take some time away and treat yourself. This could be a benefit for him too; he could have some time to really evaluate how he feels about you and his girlfriend and what he'd really like to do about it.

[Zerro]

Jeez, that's a tough situation to be in. Your friend seems to be incredibly inconsiderate to continue the semi-flirting, knowing how you feel and that he has a girlfriend whom he claims he will never leave. I don't know him well enough, but it sounds like he wants both of you and can't have that so he's trying to get what he can. :/ No me gusta.

I would suggest getting away from him, at least for now. Tell him that you need some time alone and then just go. Get your head together and take care of yourself. If he contacts you, don't respond. If you have an alternate phone number for work or emergencies or whatever that he doesn't know about, use that. Temporarily block him on any messengers you use, too.

It's painful, but separation can help if you sit yourself down and rationalize the situation. Ask yourself, is he a good friend to keep in my life, knowing all this? Is it healthy to talk to him the majority of my time when he's got a girlfriend or other engagements he should be tending to as well?

Trust me, I'm big on keeping good friends in your life, but it sounds like he's not being a good friend to you if he's putting you through the motions like this. It's not...a good sign if you are in so much pain to be away from someone that you have to talk to them all the time, to be honest. It's okay to miss people, it's okay to talk to friends. But if you are in pain to be away from them, and know that you can't have them in the way you want, separation and cutting off contact - even temporarily - can be good.

[Lee]

I was in a really similar spot with a friend of mine, and I think that time, space, and distractions were the biggest things.  I found that the more i had to do, the less I thought about her.  Having other friends around seemed to help too.

[MaxAloysius]

Your friend seems to be incredibly inconsiderate to continue the semi-flirting, knowing how you feel and that he has a girlfriend whom he claims he will never leave.

Yeah, I'm actually starting to get really mad at him about it; the things he's saying are making it so much harder to put distance between us. I ask him to stop, then he says he's sorry and that he won't do it anymore, but he always ends up slowly building back up to it. He can't seem to help himself, and always feels really bad when I point out that he's being cruel.

I'm thinking a temporary cut-all-ties situation might be in order, just so I can clear my head and try to move on. I've been working hard to keep myself busy, and see other people, and I guess it's helping a little. I'm fairly certain though that that's only because he's not actually here right now; the moment I see him on skype or in RL all of my determination just seems to crumble...T.T

[Zerro]

Jeez, he sounds like a complete ass. No offense meant to you. I say block him temporarily and if you need to chat with someone, I will gladly share my skype name with you. No one should have to deal with such selfish b/s.

[Cindy]

Bane,
Please if anything I post is offensive tell me.  Does he see you are a guy, as a gay guy or as a female (sorry). If he wants a relationship with you as a gay guy then the marriage will be a disaster. Many guys are intensely loyal to their guy friends with virtually unbreakable emotional bonds, but they are not of a sexual nature. They have very deep life long friendships that can transcend their relationship with their wife, but it is a different relationship. If he wants a sexual relationship with you as a Gay guy, or regards you as female and wants a relationship, then he really need to consider what an impact this will have on his wife. She is also in this equation and I presume she isn't aware of the problem.

I have several female friends whose male partners spend all day Saturday with their male friends, playing golf, watching sport, drinking. And they get very frustrated that their guy isn't spending that time with them and their children. The guys don't see that. So it may be that sort of relationship between you two, but guys hug each other at funerals and weddings, reluctantly IME.

I'm also worried that you are falling for him. He has a partner. I'm not sure where you are coming from.

Sounds a sad mess
Sorry

Cindy

[MaxAloysius]

It definitely is a sad mess Cindy.

I know that he has a girlfriend, and that's why I really want these feelings to go away, but I can't control them; I didn't choose to like him. He sees me as a gay male, and has decided since meeting me that he's bisexual rather than straight. There's been a fair bit of talk about how he's interested in me, and I know the flirting isn't all just for fun, but neither of us will go there. He has a girlfriend he cares about a lot more deeply than me, and that's final.

And thanks for the offer Zerro. Yeah, I'm finding him to be very selfish when it comes to this particular matter, and after catching up with him again today and having him resume the playful flirting I'm about ready to punch him in the face out of sheer frustration. He's amazing in every other way though, so I'm having a hard time actually expressing to him how horrible he's being to me simply because I don't want to hurt his feelings; he's always been so great with me.

[Cindy]

Dear Bane,

I think there is something important that you just posted. Many people have desires, including sexual desires, once they have a relationship. The important point in a relationship is commitment. We all know that peoples desire for another person may not go away but if you have made a promise to a person that you will have a legal relationship with them. Then that is it. It is a promise, it isn't a joke.
They have made the commitment. That I'll keep my marriage vows until I find someone else to have sex with, is not a commitment. It is a lie. It is a terrible lie and a heartbreaking one for his girlfriend. How would she feel if you phone her up and tell her that her fiancée wants to have sex with you? 

Be honest to your self as well. How truthful and committed to you would he be? He is, in my opinion, a rat.

He is willing to lie to his girlfriend on her magic day.

To be honest I think you should call her and let her know.

Sorry
Cindy

Not a nice guy.

[MaxAloysius]

I should tell his girlfriend that he has flirted with me on occasion? Why would I do something like that when it's very clear that he will never act on that, and has no intention of doing so? It is only proof of his love for and devotion to her, of his 'commitment' as you said.

Now I'm aware that the flirting is not on, and I'm taking steps to make sure it stops, but I think stepping between them and trying to break them up is the worst thing I could possibly do; I would ruin their perfect relationship, as well as our friendship.

[JaykeV]

There was this guy who I fell in love with once, and a part of me still loves him still. Unrequited love, its such a sad feeling. Thing is, he flirted with me as well. It really makes the entire situation confusing. One day I decided to end it. This was a guy who I admired, who I looked up to like a brother and thought of as a very good friend, unsure of how he may of felt for me. It's been almost five years since it ended and from time to time I still regret pushing him away. I regret losing a friend because he didn't feel for me how I felt for him. So honestly you have to know if you can live without him as a friend before doing anything like that, and let me tell you, in the long run, it's usually never worth it to lose a friend because of love.

There is no right way to do things in this situation. Whether you stay or go, either decision will leave you with pain.

Fact is, he may not be able to help is flirting with you. I myself am possibly one of the most flirtatious people on earth, I flirt with people who don't interest me in the least sexually. I don't know why I do it, why I give bedroom eyes to people I'd never actually sleep with, but I just do. Flirting is something that most everyone does outside of relationships, if we didn't, we'd be really ->-bleeped-<-ing miserable, especially us bisexuals who's sex drives are normally much higher, at least going by the little information there is on us.

I had a friend who was in love with me, but had no intentions of returning those feelings, unfortunately I couldn't help that I was still a flirt. That I still wanted to spend time with her and buy her dinner, treat her to a movie and such. Some people are just like that. It doesn't mean he'll ever be unfaithful. Honestly you may just have to find a way past all the flirting because when you build a relationship with flirtatious undertones - usually from repressed sexual tension, or curiosity, that's the way it is going to stay. It's very hard to change the way a friendship functions. The way he flirts with you has probably become a bad habit he can't quit. If he truthfully is sexually attracted to you, it would be even harder if he's an openly flirtatious person.

I'm sorry you got to go through a ->-bleeped-<-ty experience like this. Have you two tried having a strictly serious conversation about it. Explaining everything you have explained to us? I know that he knows, but does he know to what extent of love you feel for him? Perhaps he just doesn't know how to react to it, or how serious the feeling may be. Maybe he's never felt unrequited love. However this may be one of those things that even talking can't fix. It's more like a love the relationship the way it is, or leave it. It's one of the hardest things to change since in a relationship - including friendships, there's more than just one person involved.

[Sam-]

I had a VERY similar situation a couple years back, and I couldn't deal with it anymore and just cut all ties without explaining anything to her -  just wouldn't answer texts/calls etc. She got the point after a bit and stopped trying to contact me. A few months down the road I texted her out of the blue and she responded right away. We begun (gradually, slowly) talking more after that point and we were able to hang out and just be 'normal' friends for a few months. But... after we regained the comfort with each other it was back to how it was before. It's a hard thing to break a connection like that, and that sounds like what you guys have. But I'd suggest cutting out all contact for a while (maybe a month or so) then easing back into the friendship and seeing if it was enough to fix things for you.. Good luck, I know how this feels and it sucks, there's no 'right' answer to it really 

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks heaps for all of the helpful and supportive replies guys. He came over for a movie night tonight and the flirting was almost completely gone; I think he might have finally gotten the message.

Hopefully his backing off will give me the room I need to breathe. I just hope I can put all of this behind me, and that we can still be friends afterwards.

[Zerro]

Good luck, man. I just want to say that it's okay to have a crush/feelings for someone you can't have. Just don't let it drag you down, okay? You deserve better than to let one person mess you up.