husband's attraction to transgender-pending

[bizel]

hi, i may be in the wrong place, but i'm trying to get my head around my hubby's new interested. a year ago he admitted he was interested in having physical sex only with men. now he's been chatting and meeting a 'woman' (man who dresses like woman who says 'she's's at a crisis over whether to become a full woman). i hope i don't offend with politically incorrect terms, sorry if i do. he said he was very attracted to 'her' and wanted to have sex with 'her' and that she must be gay. i disagreed cos, to me, if she was serious about being a woman, inside she would feel like a woman and was not interested in her body being male, that 'she' wasn't gay, and hoped he would be sensitive enough to not offend 'her'. on a personal level, i wonder if he really wants me and would prefer 'her'. he says it's only physical, that he really loves me and is still attracted to me. i know he enjoyed showing 'her' my sexy knickers that he wears and loved seeing 'her' underwear. i really am confused and wondering if he's only interested in ->-bleeped-<-s, and that's what 'she' really is. and wondering if i really even come into the picture. why can't he control this urge? does anyone out there understand what i'm saying. sorry if i've screwed up your forum by being in the wrong place. bizel.

[Devlyn]

Hi bizel, welcome to Susans! I think you've come to the right place. We specialize in support and helping people figure things out. I'm not married, so I can't offer advice other than saying good communications is key, and it sounds like you are communicating. Someone with better advice should be by soon, hugs, Devlyn

[Jeneva]

You did in fact get the terms right.  If the other person feels that she is a woman internally then she should get feminine pronouns.  Only that person can say for sure if they are trans or a cross dresser, but it sounds like if she is at a crisis that she is some level of trans and just can't decide if the cost (societal and financially) is worth it.  If that is the case then she is certainly warranted.  In that case NO she is not a homosexual.  Your husband may even find that she is unwilling to use the piece of anatomy he is interested in (depends on the individual again).

Communication is key, but the two of you need to decide if you can accept an open marriage or polygamous relationship before anything about her even comes into the picture.  Unless you had both talked about this before marriage, I'd think the two of your need to spend some serious time discussing this (hopefully with a marriage counselor - NOT religiously affiliated).  Until you are both agreed that ANYONE else can be in the picture then who is irrelevant. 

Further it does really sound like after you are both agreed to continue in an open relationship or separate, then he needs to talk to the other person to see if they feel they are trans.  If he is only interested in males and she is trans then it isn't going to work for them anyway.

I wish you the best of luck, but please be sure you are fully committed to the idea of an open relationship before going down that path.  I was actually talking to my wife as I typed then and we both agreed that we couldn't handle an open relationship even though she has been exceptionally supportive of my transition.

[Hermione01]

IMO, does it really matter who your husband is interested in?  I mean, he is being unfaithful. Do you want an open marriage? This is the most important question you have to ask yourself. If you are accepting of this arrangement, was it more acceptable that he had sex with men only? Trying to figure out who this other person is really of no consequence. 

I think I understand your confusion in that if your husband is interested in another woman, then why can't he be satisfied with you?  Could be he just wants variety, he wants to experience and explore, I just hope it's not at the expense of your marriage. 

[spacial]

Again, really warm welcome bizel. It's so good to know you would turn to us when you needed this support.

It sounds to me as if your husband is rather confused about his sexuality and is looking to experiment.

I can't comment on people appearing to be female while still having male parts, any more than I can comment on why someone would be a prostitute. (Assuming that is what your husband is referring to).

What I can say is, from your introduction, this issue is about your husband, is not about transgender as such. What I mean is, the problems are his and yours, not those he is choosing to be inappropriate with.

I really hope you can resolve this matter. I'm sure there is a satisfactory solution. There are many here who are ready to lend an ear, or offer any suggestions and support that they have. That includes the many significant others members, who are the partners, family and friends of those dealing with the various stages and natures of transgender.

[justmeinoz]

Hi Bizel. 
Unless you are in an open or polyamorous relationship, it sounds like infidelity to me.  If you are in a poly or open relationship then I would assume that you can talk openly about things, so it should be possible to work out what the attraction is.   

If he is simply cheating on you, I'd be calling him out on it.   Been there, been done like that.


Karen.